Break Time

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This was originally going to happen in a couple of weeks but given the way that I’ve been feeling when it comes to putting together posts and the fact that for the most part I will literally do anything but click on the ‘write’ button, and the fact that this week I’ve only posted once and even that was late, I’m gonna call it now.

I’m taking a little break.

For the rest of the month. At least

Currently whenever I get hit with the urge to write it’s for The Thing and so I focus on that but then feel a little guilty because I am neglecting to write anything for the following day on here. And no one has the time for that kind of guilt. Especially because if you really think about there is nothing to be guilty for. And also sometimes what I really want more than anything is to just lie on the sofa and binge watch something (this Friday it was The Bold Type, which took the first episode for me to get into but once I was there I was hooked and now I’ve run out of episodes.

Also I have a lot of work to do on The Thing, like flesh out the characters and truly get the plot down because it’s mostly there but I still don’t really know where I want it go fully, I just have a vague idea and somewhere to go with it but I need to make it concrete and put it into my favourite things, which is words. I need to find my ass a pen and a notebook and get all the trail amount of information that likes to just sort of fly about in my head and see if I can get it to work in the way that I want it to. And if I don’t have to worry about writing up blog posts then I can get all this stuff done.

This time off from here will also allow me to bank up some posts again because I’ve let the queue run all the way dry (if that wasn’t completely obvious) when I was doing quite well and getting shit all the way done. Then I took some time off to just re-do certain aspects of the blog and with all that momentum I just sort of hit a wall. Which is whatever. And where we are at.

There is no content in my head to put on the page for this blog. At the moment. I mean there probably should be come Easter which is currently when I plan on coming back. Although I am still on holiday (in London, but not at work because I need some time off to recover from my holiday which is the previous week) for that week so it may be the second week of April. I don’t know I’m gonna play that by ear. Because I might also use that week to get some real solid writing done for The Thing because I am also planning on doing Camp Nano so that I can get this thing to at least 50,000 words by May. Maybe more, but I’m not gonna aim that damn high. And having a solid week to get some real groundwork done might actually be a better use of my time.

Like I said, I’m going to play it by ear.

What I am going to do though is go through the archives. I found a lot of old posts that I completely forgot about when I was having a little re-do. Which isn’t all that surprising because there are nearly 800 on here now (yeah, I deleted a bunch of posts and that really changed the number of posts that were on here) and once they are up after a couple of weeks I do kind of forget about them. So I’m going to go through all of my archives and share a couple each day. And actually use Tweetdeck so that I can get them organised and then forget about them again.

It’s a different level of organisation.

Overall I think that it will just make me feel less stretched out. Which is something that I currently need. I just need to swing the balance back into something that might actually be considered balance because right now it really is not.

Something’s gotta give and in this instance it’s the blog because that is the thing that I am currently feeling the least creative for.

So, that’s where we’re at with this now. I’m off for the next couple of weeks. I’ve got some planning and writing to do. Amsterdam to travel to and birthday for a brother to celebrate.

Parentheses count: 3. See you at some point in April!

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2018 Reading Challenge, Book 11 – Eat, Pray, Love

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Surprise, surprise, I am coming at you with another book review today…it feels like it’s bene a while since did one of these, but I don’t think it is and the real reason that it feels like it’s been so long is because I feel like I’ve been reading this book for forever.

It wasn’t really all that long though, slightly longer than usual? Yes. But not actually all that long. I started it on 22/02 and finished it yesterday. I also found myself not reading so much on my commute home, sometimes it was because I was on a busy train and was sat on a luggage rack without the foresight to take my bag off my back before I jumped on up there and sometimes it was because it just wasn’t engaging me in any way.

That pretty much sums up my relationship with this book as a whole. I went through phases where I was super stoked to read it and it was really engaging with me and I wanted to know where it was going to lead in her own journey. And then I went through phases where I just didn’t care.

I can pinpoint at what point I found myself ceasing to give a shit. It was anytime she talked about religion and then it came and went whilst she was in India. And also sometimes in Bali. Now I kind of knew that that talk about faith and religion and spirituality was a given when it came to a book with ‘pray’ in the title and that was one of the reasons to be honest why I had put off reading it for so long. I just wasn’t going to be very open to the reading of someone finding a new and deep rooted presence of faith in their life and that would totally change the way that I approached the book.

I approached it in this instance with an open mind and yeah, sometimes the talk about faith just sort of caused my mind to drift away (to check my emails or Twitter) and then it would take a little while to get back into it. I was there mostly when it was in Italy. When she was just travelling around and learning Italian and eating. Getting to see different areas of Italy through her eyes made me super jealous because I just want to travel around Italy and eat. Do all the eating. So it was when she found herself in India that I found myself starting to drift.

And that’s just a personal thing for me. I just can’t make that kind of connection, there is a part of me that kind of wishes that I could, but it’s just not something that I can take comfort in. Religion that is. And so there were large portions of it where I just couldn’t connect. And that’s nothing against Gilbert, that’s all me. I just don’t…care…that seems like a harsh word but I can’t think of a better word for it. I mean I did care. I cared enough to finish the book. I was interested to see how Gilbert found her way out of the dark time of her life.

I found myself invested even in times that I wasn’t all that connected to what she was going through. Gilbert has a great writing style and she makes you want to read her story. And I liked that aspect of it. I love a good writing style, we all know that. And I did like moving through her story as she went from one of the lowest points in her life to reaching a place of balance and equilibrium again. It felt like you were going through it, Gilbert does a great job of taking through her story and by the time it comes to the end you feel like you know the sense of peace that she is at.

While I’m talking about the ending. I hated it. And the reason that I hated it makes no actual sense to be perfectly honest with you. I hated it because it just ended. It just closed a chapter. It, ya know, closed the chapter of her life on the road finding herself and you were left with the assumption that she is now living her life quite happily between 4 countries with Felipe. Which is fine, but the ending seemed so unfinished because it was her life and she’s still living it and so there has to be an end point and obviously there is going to be no full stop this is the end moment. But it honestly just trailed off and that left some part of me unsatisfied.

Look, I read this book so that I could one understand the references to it whenever they come up (which is obviously quite rare) but also because it felt like it was a book that I should read for some inexplicable reason. Do I regret reading it? No. It was fine. It was a mostly enjoyable experience. The issues that I had with it were my own and are probably not something that other people would find. It made me want to go to Italy all the more (and made me slightly sad that for reasons I couldn’t go this weekend) and it did make me want to visit Bali. I did feel a residual sense of peace when I was in the Bali segment of the book. I did also like the significance of the way that it was formatted with the 109 beads.

I was overall a bit meh about this book, but somehow would still also recommend it.

3/5 stars

Parentheses count: 1. See you tomorrow!


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One Year

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Over the past year I’ve spoken about my hair quite a bit because I decided to start giving a shit about it and my first haircut in 4/5 years at the beginning of March last year. And well we’re coming up to a year since then and my hair continues to make me feel some kind of way and that kind of way is now going to make it’s way into a post.

Firstly, it currently needs another trim so the ends of it are just being problematic because they are super broken and damaged and are kind of doing occasionally dodgy things to my hair. Look it’s nothing major, but over the past year I’ve gotten used to having healthy hair and so I notice shit like this acutely now. The problem is going to my hairdresser is a damn trek and I can’t be bothered (which is not actually the same issue that I had the last time, but yeah, it’s a new kind of problem).

Secondly I kind of forgot that what I had done to my hair is on some level considered a ‘big chop’. It kind of felt like not a lot of hair was cut off when it happened and I was so tired of dry, easily matted mess of hair that I also wasn’t all that attached to it so I didn’t really register that it was being cut off. But hair was down the middle of the back by the time I got it cut and then when that was over it fell just above my nipple. I had like 5/6 inches cut off.

In the past year it’s now at the base of my bra strap. Wet. Dry it remains around my shoulders. It has been around my shoulders the whole year. The wet length has changed. The dry one has not.

And there is a part of me that is finding it frustrating.

The reason that I didn’t get it cut for so long is because I wanted long hair and I knew cutting it would make it go out and highlight just how real shrinkage is. And I didn’t want that. But I also knew that if I wanted to get length with healthy hair then I kind of needed a reset. So that’s what I did.

And now I’m just frustrated (like I literally just mentioned). The problem is that I am not necessarily all that patient. When it comes to my hair. Or maybe I am but the main problem is that I’m bored with my hair.

It does very little.

I can wear it down and I can tie it up. Those are pretty  much my only options. I can put it in a bun, I can put it in space buns. I can kind of ponytail it, but I have to treat that as if I’m wearing it down and I always reach this danger point where once product has gone for curl definition I kind of can’t touch it until it’s mostly dry. Touching it tends to make it frizzy, so pulling it into a ponytail is a risky game. Oh, I did bunchies once whilst I was in Greece because it had dried all the way and we had just got back from somewhere and I was hot and needed to get it up but it was too big to make a decent looking ponytail and so I split it.

And currently the weather is so fucking grim and windy that the idea of actually putting effort into it sounds super unappealing. And so it currently just lives it’s live in a bun of some description because it’s just easier and I’m gonna level with you my hair is too thick for me to be bothered to want to contend with it to get it into some kind of braid. My arms get tired, my shoulders are too tight, I’m not very good at it and it never really looks all that good anyway because my hair is so damn thick it all just looks clunky.

So it does very little. It also doesn’t move. Seriously, once it’s dried when it’s down it cannot be moved. Which is annoying I can’t lie. It’s also boring. There is no flexibility and it means that I’m bored. I straightened it before Christmas and it felt kind of wild. It moved. It did what I wanted. I could do more than one thing with it. Some styles were finally possible and they sat right with no frizz. It also didn’t require being soaked through each day. It shook things up and then also made me feel so much more in love with my curls when they came back (all be it a tad heat damaged…).

But the novelty of getting the curls back wore off real quick and now I’m just bored. I’m bored of having shoulder length hair and I’m jealous of my hair when it’s wet. Because when it’s wet it’s everything that I want it to be and more. But that lasts for all of five minutes and then it’s anybody’s guess as to what is gonna happen.

And I know that the key to growing out curly hair can basically be summed up by the word patience. Which is actually something that I have. In most areas of my life.

But apparently it is wearing thin when it comes to this particular aspect of my life. I went a little bit down memory lane earlier this week and I found a bunch of pictures of when I had long hair. By the time I had it cut last year it was super long. It was unhealthy as hell, but it was long. That took 4 years to get to. So in theory it is possible that it can happen again. I don’t know what it’s actually going to look like should I ever get it to that length again with healthy hair, but I do know that it is possible.

But it’s the kind of long game that apparently I don’t currently want to take part in. Or I want to make it a super long game and cut all my hair off and then just start all over again.

I’ve reached that point with it all. I reach that point once or twice a year. I’m probably not gonna do it.

What I am going to do it get another hair cut next month and then keep on growing it out.

And I’m probably going to keep low key complaining about the fact that it’s still do damn short and shrinkage feels the need to mess with me. And also hate the fact that I once heard ‘it grows out before it grows down’ because apparently that shit is accurate.

Real accurate.

Parentheses count: 3. See you tomorrow!

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The Spring Reading List

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Okay, so spring is in theory acoming what with the days slowly getting longer and the fact that it supposedly will begin on 20th March. I’m just getting this set up a teeny bit prematurely, but hey ho.

I am coming at you with another break down of my reading list that I am looking to get read over the next couple of months, it turns out that I quite enjoy creating mini versions of my list mainly because it eliminates an element of so much choice. This is going to be a bit of a non-fiction heavy couple of months just because I feel like I don’t read enough of it in general and so to compensate that I am just going to read a lot of it all at once.

I am currently on 11 out of 65 and similar to the last time I did this where I reckon it should stand at about 6/7 in the period of time, I am tacking on an extra few books because I go on holiday at the end of this month and then it’s Easter and then I have the rest of that week off so I should be able to get a fair amount of reading done in that time, especially because I am going to Amsterdam via train which is about 5 hours of travel time. I read books in roughly that amount of time over the course of a work week in 30 minute bursts, the potential there is high. But whatever. I’m aiming to get 10 books read in the next two months.

In terms of my first one of these I read 8 out of the 9 books, because when it came to me making a decision about whether to read Eat, Pray, Love or Now I Rise I had the epiphany that I want to finish that series straight through and so I’m going to wait for Bright We Burn before I make a start on that one. It turns out I did care.

1) Everyday Sexism – Laura Bates

It’s time that I read this. I have been being to do so for so many weeks, months, years and have just never gotten around to do it. But it’s in my possession and it’s about damn time.

2) Girl Up – Laura Bates

Same goes for this. I’ve read the first page or so and it’s not fucking about. Which is just what I need right now.

3) The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck – Sarah Knight

This was a book that I was looking for in Waterstones, almost gave up and then turned around to see it on a display. It was also this book that made me think that this was going to be a period of time that I was going to read mostly non-fiction books.

4) The Princess Diarist – Carrie Fisher

And now, I am going to complete all the Carrie Fisher books that I have on my list. I almost don’t want to do it, but the time has come. I loved Wishful Drinking and let’s be real I am never going to be truly ready to read it so I might as well just get down to it.

5) The Good Immigrant –  Nikesh Shukla

It’s also time that I read this book. I almost picked it up back in January but didn’t. That’s now changing. It’s time.

6) The Uncommon Type – Tom Hanks

They aren’t all going to be non-fiction on this list because I’ve gotta break it up with some fiction, mainly because the fiction on my list far outweighs the non-fiction. And also I’m curious to see what Tom Hanks has to offer as a writer.

7) The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood

This book is currently staring me straight in the face on my desk. Also season 2 of this show is imminent and I have yet to watch season 1 because I am waiting to read the book before I watch it. This might be an Amsterdam read, but then again it might be a tad too intense for that. We’ll see how it goes.

8)  Call Me By Your Name – André Aciman

I am so excited to read this book. I keep hearing nothing but great things about it and so it’s one that I am most hyped to read.

9) Modern Romance – Aziz Ansari

Okay, so I put this is on my list before the allegations against him came to light and then I had a real think as to whether or not I would still read it. And then when I was reading the responses to it there was an article that mentioned this book in context to his actions and how they somehow didn’t quite match up and so I didn’t take it off the list, because I think on some level this would be interesting to read with the context.

10) the princess saves herself in this one – amanda lovelace

Time to get my first poetry collection of the year read.

And those are my next 10 books, which should take my total to 21 by the end of April, I don’t know whether means I am on track or not but I do know that it means I am inching closer to halfway.

Parentheses count: 1. See you tomorrow!

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Check In 1

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These are coming bi-monthly. At the beginning of the month. At the end of every two months. I should remember that right? (No, I will remember that). That will make it 5 in this year and then a round up.

And without further ado here is the first check in

1) Learn how to fuck with eyeshadow

I’ve worn make up so little these past couple of months because I just did not really leave the house and it was just for my birthday that I put it on and as such I spent that day truly living my best. I also do not currently own any eyeshadows or appropriate brushes and I’m cutting down on my spending so that will be a goal that I might attempt later i the year.

2) Learn how to do a full pull up

I’ve not even gotten myself into a situation where I have even attempted to do this yet. I walk past these pull up bars in the park on the way to work every morning and think about how I will maybe use something with that kind of set up and then just haven’t even tried. I’m trying to work on my chest and upper body strength before I go in. I don’t even know why that is to be honest, but I just don’t feel ready to tackle this one yet.

3) Be able to a full push up

My half push up things are fine. If I’m on my knees and on the right day I can get down real low. I’ve not really gotten any further with the full one. Mainly because there is something a little bit niggly in my right wrist which makes bearing weight on it a bit hit and miss. Which is nice and useful for most body weight movements. It means that my balance is being tested slightly more because I try and avoid putting my hands down for some moves now and also means that I don’t do high planks and my knees are better at scraping the floor in mountain climbers. It also means that I avoid push ups currently. Like I said, it’s hit and miss, sometimes my wrist is fine, sometimes it’s not. I have to play it by ear.

4) Read 70 books

I’m 11 in. Soon to start the 12th. I’m making progress with this. I’m currently a little ahead of schedule, but only by a book. This is plodding along.

5) Lift heavier

I’ve come the realisation that this one is kind of vague and so I’m breaking it down a little. I’m aiming to reach a TUT squat weight of 20kg, arms/chest to 10/12kg and then everything else to roughly 15kg by July. And then I will reassess then if I have managed to do it. I went up in my squat weight last Sunday to 15kg on a whim, but my arms/chest didn’t feel quite up for the challenge of 10kg and I was right they struggled with their usual 8 and the rest of it I just felt like I was going to compromise massively on form so I just stuck with 10kg which seemed like the right choice. I am making steps. The 15kg felt kinda good, I was surprised at how much I had missed it and also by how much I enjoyed it.

6) Eat more fruit and veg

This remains hit and miss. Some weeks I’m really good and on it and hit 5 a day and then some weeks I don’t. I really need to work to make it a more conscious effort.

7) Cook More

This is going nowhere right now.

8) Finish the damn book

I aimed to get to 10,000 words on The Thing this week. That’s where I’m at with that 10,000 words. No real character building, only a vague plot, no coherence with the way that I am writing it, but the words seem to be there and I do know what I want the arc to be. It’s something.

9) Write for half an hour a day

This is not happening. I mean I am writing for half an hour or more when I’m writing for this blog, but externally of that I am not that disciplined with that yet.

10) Get better organised

We all know the answer to this right?

11) Get my Peak score to 800

On February 6th this happened. I knew it was coming because suddenly the number stopped hanging in the 770/780’s and was at 794. And so I plodded along to get to my goal of 800. It felt like such a great achievement after it alluding me for so long. So now the goal is 900.

12) Meditate more

Again, not really happening right now. It’s just not a habit that I appear to have any desire to cultivate for some annoying reason. Ironically I think I am in my own head too much and can’t switch off, nor can I accept that that is just a thing that happens, but the key is to let those thoughts pass and then bring it back. As I’m writing this I am in the midst of reading Eat, Pray, Love and she has just got to India, which is the Pray, part and she is talking about meditation and how she struggles with it and I feel kind of the same way.

13) Save, save, save

I’m made a huge reduction in the amount of unnecessary spending I am doing, so this is kind of fine right now. It’s where I want it to be to be honest. I’ve allowed myself a couple of things (like my Apple Watch and a new pair of trainers) but for the most part I am getting better at saying no.

14) Put more effort into blogging

This seems to be doing alright. I mean I did just sort of reinvent this blog a bit these past couple of weeks (and this is the last mention) and I feel a new sense of excitement about it which is always good. I’m also getting better at sharing my posts more frequently. This feels good.

15) The Masters

Okay, so this is still an idea. But I now also have another thing that I may want to do. I’m aware that I am being quite vague about this but currently it’s still just a seed in my head that I may or may not water…

Parentheses count: 3. See you tomorrow!

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Glossier Update

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Now as we all know I became a full on Glossier convert during the last quarter of 2017. I remain one. Then in mid-January they launched a new product.


The second it went live on the UK website it went straight into my basket, along with a new Boy Brow because I was running out (and so I also got free delivery, go me) and then two days later it was in my hand.

It promises results within 4 weeks and well I have had since the 20th January and therefore we are have reached that 4 week mark (well, it’s actually closer to 6)  so naturally I am going to talk about it and whether I think it is working for my skin.

First of all I use this at night, You can use it at any time of the day as long as you use it only once so I picked end of day, just because I think it has a bit more of a chance to truly put some work in while I sleep.

Within the first week or so I noticed that my face broke out. There were whiteheads galore and they really helpfully all collected in the same place so patches of my face were just spot only zones. I think that was mainly just my skin adapting to it though as once they had all cleared up my breakouts sort of settled back down to normal. The thing that I’ve noticed about all my spots in my time using them is that they seemed to scab over and reach that really juicy state where they are ripe for the picking a lot quicker. Which I guess is a good thing for the life span of the spot on my face, but is a bad thing when you’re prone to spot picking like I am. It’s the spot picking problem that is causing all of the hyperpigmentation issues (for the most part) on my face that I am trying to get rid of. So it gives and it takes there.

Also I learnt that you really need to heed the warnings when it comes to sunscreen application. I already do put sunscreen on on the daily, but it’s just one my face that I am super on top of. I sweep this over my face and also down my neck and in the first few days that I neglected to apply sunscreen to my neck the skin got suupppeerrrr sensitive. Nothing too major, because it’s winter right now and I live in a scarf that protects it from any potential sun exposure, but enough for it to be very uncomfortable. It only took a couple of days of application for that to go away, so yeah. Sunscreen is important.

The thing that I have noticed in a big way is that my skin is super soft. The cleanser had already gone some of the way of making my skin feel super soft and this just seemed to increase that immensely. Honestly my skin is so soft and smooth.

I kind of made the mistake of not taking any proper progress photos when it comes to this. I am super critical of my skin and super aware of just how many little scars there are and am not convinced that they are actually going anywhere. But when I am not being hypercritical my skin has actually cleared up a bit. Also whilst I’ve been using this I have noticed that my Vitamin E oil has just been absorbed all the way in. And so is my moisturiser so yes, this does help make other products work better. The oil problem hasn’t been that bad for a while and it has now settled down again but there was a week about 2/3 weeks ago where my skin just went to being a straight up oil slick, so I definitely felt like my skin need to adjust to using acids for the first time, but once it did it’s all been moving smoothly.

This is £19 which isn’t super cheap, but also is an investment that is sure for sure worth I feel, it has improved the overall appearance of my skin. However, I do have a slight issue with the length of time it lasts for. I got a new cleanser in November last year and I think started using it at the beginning of December, I’ve only just bought a new one and I’ve still got at least a week left in my current one meaning that it has about a 3 month shelf life. My Priming Moisturiser Rich was bought around the same time and I’ve still got a couple of weeks left with it, I’ve got a couple of months left with the Priming Moisturiser before I need a replacement. I’ve been using this for 6 weeks and am already 3/4 the way through. It kind of only amounts to a month difference I think between the products, but I only use it once a day like the two moisturisers so I was slightly surprised by how quickly I was moving through it. But it’s a small gripe for what is otherwise a damn great product.

It’s been a very much welcomed addition to my skincare routine and there is a part of me that is still itching to try one of the serums and see what they might add to my routine as well. I’m waiting until I get closer to finishing my Vitamin E oil before I make a more considered decision about which one I’m going to try, but I imagine in a few months time there will be another one these updates…

Parentheses count: 3. See you tomorrow!

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Right, I’ve alluded to this a few times. Last year was hard for me. Mentally. It was damn draining. My anxiety sent me out of damn control. Again.

It’s been that bad before. Way back in my second year of uni I kind of hit a massive wall. I felt awful. I felt alone. I felt tired all the time. I kind of didn’t understand the point of doing anything. I very nearly dropped out of uni and just live in my bed never to leave. I kind of didn’t really do anything about it at the time, I pulled myself to the end of the year and then just had the summer before I went back for my third year.

But I was even more alone then in my third year. I didn’t live with anyone that I knew, I could honestly go for days without really talking to anyone. I was not in the headspace to have that much time to myself in my own head. But I did. And I drove myself a little bit mad.

To the point that I would find myself without fail on a Thursday for weeks on end just taking myself to the on campus nurse/doctor. Funnily enough there was never actually anything really wrong with me. I mean I did have a really stiff neck at one point but that probably because I was holding so much damn tension in my shoulders. But otherwise there was nothing wrong with me. I spent a lot of time spiralling semi out of control. On my own.

It was kind of hellish to be honest.

At some point it was suggested that maybe I had some form of anxiety, but nothing ever really came of it and whilst I was trying yoga and mediation and trying to keep myself busy to distract myself from my own thoughts it just sort of stopped being a problem.

Don’t get me wrong I didn’t stop spending so much time by myself or anything, but I guess I finally had something to strive to and that something was I realised that I was going to have work my ass off in order to get a 2.1. I could not leave uni without getting a 2.1 Seriously.

And then I don’t even really know what happened post that. I think once I was finished with uni I was so damn tired that I don’t think I had it in me to be anxious in regards to every single thing. I didn’t even have it in me to be anxious about the fact that I couldn’t seem to get a job.

And then I got a job. And I spent a lot of time in the bathroom crying because the anxiety came back. Then I settled into it and didn’t feel so shitty all the time. Then the job changed and the crying started again. Then I settled again and it was fine.

And then last year started and I have not been quite okay for about a year now. I go through phases where I’m coasting ya know? But for the most part there is always this weird feeling curling in the pit of my stomach that feels like it’s going to burst into a full blown panic attack. It hasn’t quite done that yet, but it got real close a couple of weeks ago where I full on cried twice in the same of an hour and had that weird kind of crying tension headache for the rest of the day.

Anyway cycling back to my point, because there is one, because I noticed a moment of progress this week that I was a little bit apprehensive about.

So, when my anxiety gets really bad it manifests itself primarily in me focusing on my health. I did it in 2012/13. And I did it again last year. Because on the back of a stressful day at the beginning of the week I went to a boxing class with the hope of getting it out of my system and during the warm up I noticed my heart skip a beat. Now I’ve done a lot of reading about this since, that’s a thing that happens as your heart starts to speed up to accommodate the increase of oxygen that your body needs as you exercise. In the most basic of senses. And the rational part of my brain could accept that. Knew that it happened to me before. Knew that my recovery time was good. And is better than it’s ever been. I knew all that. But my brain decided that it didn’t want to be rational and so it gave me something to focus on.

And when you focus on it then it becomes a problem. And my obsession and hyper sensitivity with it became a problem. And I managed to have this whole problem whilst still going into work and being around people for 8 hours a day. One person knew I wasn’t quite right. One.

I thought the reason that it got so bad the first time was because I was just left alone to my own devices and thoughts 24/7, but no. It got bad when I was surrounded by people, but no one knew. Bar the one person I told because they knew that I wasn’t okay and it felt good to just say it out loud. Not the whole thing, just the fact that I was having a bad time of it anxiety wise.

So anyway, I was obsessed with this and spent most of time focusing on it. I stuck to low impact exercises only because it didn’t get my heart rate up and that was more manageable. I went to see my GP. Twice. The first one was shit and told me that it might help with I dealt with my skin problems and my minor acne problem. The second one actually took me seriously. And sent me down the route of therapy.

And I did that. And it mostly worked.

What also worked was the fact that I literally forced myself to get back into more hardcore exercises, aka cardio. Which had honestly become my nemesis. And it was fine. That remains fine. I mostly do flat out cardio twice a week now and there are cardio elements to my other 3 workouts in the week. My heart rate goes up. I don’t worry about it anymore.

Which brings me to the point. Finally.

My Apple Watch tells me what my heart rate is. I spent hours driving myself mad with my fingers against the pulse in my neck. The number was never accurate because I was so worried about it and that skewed the reading. Then I started trying to do it whilst I was working out and then straight after. Then I tried to figure out when it went back to resting. I told you I drove myself mad. And I tried to force myself to stop doing that as much as possible.

If I ever found myself reaching to do it I would have to distract myself and do something else. Like walk around the office, or get some water, or just go to the toilet for no real reason. And eventually I stopped doing it. That element of my anxiety went away. It thankfully wasn’t replaced by anything.

But I was still wary of anything that would draw my attention to it because I am not really in the correct headspace to not let it overtake my life again. It’s been 5 days now and to be honest I’ve not even really thought about. I mean I have, but more because I was just curious to know what my resting heart rate was and the way it peaked during exercise. And well, that feels kind of wild.

I am not exaggerating when I say that for a couple of months last year it kind of consumed my life. And I stopped thinking about because I forced myself to. I had to change the habit. And I did for the most part. And apparently have done so. I’m not saying that it’s for good or anything because I’ve said that before and then last year happened so that was bullshit. But it feels like it’s done enough for now.

And for that reason, I am kind of proud of myself. I am proud that. I am proud that I have stopped letting that part of my anxiety rule my life because that shit was getting exhausting.

I’m proud of that. And I feel like I need to celebrate the small victories because it does still have a hold over a large part of my life. For example trains stopping for a slightly prolonged period of time still gets my heart racing my mind providing a lot of bad scenarios which I guess is the next area of this mammoth beast to tackle…

Parentheses count: 0. See you tomorrow!

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