Meditate

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Now as I have mentioned many times before one my goals for this year is to get into a proper habit when it comes to meditation.  And therefore I decided to make an active decision and just dedicate 10 minutes of every day to meditating. That’s all Headspace asks of you. And also in May my subscription to Headspace was due for renewal and I didn’t elect to cancel it meaning that I had to make that 50 odd quid I spent on it worth it.

And so I made it my mission for May to meditate every day.

And I did it.

I have also only meditated once in the month of June so far, so the balance isn’t quite there yet.

And here is the thing that doing it everyday for a month taught me.

I should really do it more regularly.

I did it before I went to bed as a way to unwind from the day and try to get myself into the habit of sleeping. And to do that I did the ‘Sleep’ pack because that felt like it might work a little bit in the unwinding process. To be honest the main reason that I did it at night is because I just do not currently have it in me to change my morning routine in order to start my day with it. Also it forces me to take 10 minutes out at the end of the day to focus on myself and in doing so I switch off and then from then I find that sleep just kind of fell over me and I started to sleep really well.

There were elements of this pack that I loved. Then the last 10 days involved the introduction of visualisation, and well I noticed my focus wavered a lot more in those last 10 days. I used to get so caught up in my thoughts during those 10 days sometimes that I actually forgot that I was supposed to be focusing on something until the guidance came back through into my headphones. So that is currently something that I am now aware that I need to work on, whilst also not getting too in my head about it because then I run into a host of issues. It’s a fine line.

I think also because I wasn’t necessarily a huge fan of the visualisation element of this that doing it kind of didn’t feel like I was forming a habit but more that it was becoming a chore and that is never a good thing, which I think is why I haven’t really done it since this month started.

It’s now been 16 days though (I did it on the 1st) and so I have actually noticed the difference between last month and this month just in my overall headspace and only one thing has really changed.

The lack of mediation.

This goal is finally starting to feel like it might actually become a habit by the end of the year, which is exactly what I wanted doing it every day for 31 days to do. I knew that if I didn’t make a conscious effort to do it every day for a period of time then I was just never going to get it done and so I have and I have felt the difference in the way that I feel when I do it regularly and when I don’t. It kind of feels like exercise and my attitude towards that to be honest, and we all know where the exercise one has ended up now. (My legs are so dead as I write this, I thought they were fine but then they felt heavy during my workout and even thought that flushed some stuff out and I got re-stretch them in the cool down I could feel the tightness as I moisturised them. I kind of hate it, kind of love it. Kinda curious to know how the workout that I will be doing when this goes up will feel because it was weights that did me this dirty and it’s weights that I’m doing today…will be interesting.)

Anyway, that’s where I’m at with this one.

I meditated every day for the month of May and finally understood the hype regarding it and how it does actually pay to just take 10 minutes out of the day to focus and check in with your body and see what’s going on and to be a bit more present. It really affected my mood and my quality of sleep, and I need to find out whether that was the case because I was doing a pack that was geared towards sleep or because just taking that time before I tried to go to sleep was the thing working small wonders.

I will find out and report back shortly.

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Love Me or Leave Me

At this point I don’t even know what to expect anymore.

That either the 2 colours that I do have will disappear or that I’ll wake up one day and everything will be in bright technicolour.

So far neither of these two things has happened and well now I don’t know what to do.

He doesn’t want me. That much is obvious.  At this point I would be insane to think that there is a future for us.

I’ve done a lot of research.

Mistakes can happen.

I think.

The evidence is inconclusive about it.

I guess it might be hard to understand the way the world works the way that it does. There doesn’t appear to be any reason to it. Why would there be. That would mean that this stuff makes sense. And it doesn’t.

Nothing about this makes any sense.

It never really has.

It didn’t make much sense when I was told about it in the most basic of terms and it doesn’t make much sense now that I supposedly living in it. In fact it makes less sense now. There are less explanations provided to me now that it is happening to me.

I’m supposed to just figure it all out now. On my own it would appear.

My mother won’t help me in this plight and I think that’s causing some tension in her marriage, to my father. Who is actually more receptive to the idea that his little girl has managed to ‘luck’ out and find her ‘one’, but still isn’t much help. He just hasn’t completely shut me out and I consider that a win. But there’s tension there now because they don’t know how to ‘deal’ with me. They haven’t known for almost half my life now. The thread between them gets thinner each year and I wonder if we can even get divorced. Is that a thing that we can do?

Can we just say ‘fuck you’ to the universe like that?

Are we are allowed to move on?

Does that affect things in any way?

Do the colours go away?

Do they stick around and the universe just kind of accepts that the two people that it thought were perfect for each other are just ignoring that? Just living their lives happily with other people? Can we do that?

Are we allowed to?

I need to know because at this point I think I am going to need a back up plan because mine doesn’t want me.

I’ve tried to be patient but it’s been years now and we have done pretty well at avoiding each other. I need to put him out of mind now. It’s been too long and he doesn’t want me.

I’ve made my peace with that and now I just want to move on from him now. But I can’t.

Because there are still two colours in my life. And they aren’t going anywhere. Which feels like a twisted joke. The universe is playing a joke on me and I don’t want to be the punchline anymore.

I want to be able to live freely. To fall in love with someone that wants to love me too. I want to experience things with them for the first time with them and learn what the colour purple is with them.

I’m not expecting much from him anymore. Or from anything anymore.

The colours won’t come and the colours won’t go. I’m just stuck here.

Not loved and not left.

Just here.

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Knackered

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So posting on here has been kind of sporadic because…well…there isn’t really a specific reason.

I’m just kind of tired again at the moment and my energy levels are kind of just waning meaning that the pull of Netflix kind of feels a bit too much and the battle that I have with myself tends to mean that Netflix wins.

I’ve hit a wall.

I hit them every now and then and I kind of saw this one coming. I knew it was coming some time last month when I realised that I was basically just relying on book reviews and was getting low key annoyed at myself for not being able to read quicker.

I mean I kind of hoped that I was going to avoid it though because I had a plan for this month, which is more than I usually do when it comes to me hitting a wall. I thought it meant that I was safe.

I was kind of wrong.

It turns out that even though I had the plan, I also didn’t really have the plan.

As this post probably evidences.

I had pockets of posts planned. They were the ones that I based this whole month on. And so I’ve had to kind of build the month around them. And it was maybe not the smartest of ideas.

I mean it’s fine, I have kind of found my groove again, mainly because I have hit the pocket of posts that I based this plan over. So I’m feeling less like I’m tail spinning and that I am finally swinging the balance back into my favour.

Nothing is really going to change in regards to the fact that I am tired because well I’m just always tired. I mean I’m sleeping like 6 hours a night minimal which is better than I have in the past, but yeah. Just tired. I think it’s something to do with the fact that the humidity right now is intense and there is just something about summer that makes you feel lethargic or some shit.

So yeah, here’s a filler post for the day and tomorrow it will be better. I have an idea and everything.

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Jealousy

It’s a weird feeling.

Jealousy.

I feel like in this particular situation I am supposed to be. That’s what everyone around me is suggesting I should feel.

Like somehow that person with him right now is ‘encroaching on my territory’ and therefore I have to get defensive like some kind of lioness.

Which seems like it might take a lot of energy. Which then in turn feels like I should feel bad for not wanting to expend that energy on something as trivial as jealousy.

Don’t get me wrong, I have felt pangs of it before. Back in the early days where I questioned what the hell he was doing choosing me when clearly there was a long line of girls gagging to get a chance with him. To have their one night of passion to add him to their list of conquests. I got the appeal.

I get the appeal.

I still get it.

I guess just after all this time it kind of wears off on you. Not in a bad way or anything. Just in a way.

It’s probably cockiness at this point.

I’ve heard people joke that I took him in his prime and now it’s just rude of me to get rid of him and throw back out into the wild. They are also the same people who tell me that I should be jealous whenever someone twirls their hair around their fingers and giggles at everything he says like he’s telling them something that they might be quizzed on later.

They send a lot of mixed messages.

Not that I listen to any of them anymore.

They would have me feeling jealous all the time if they got their way.

Which, like I said, feels like a pointless waste of energy.

It didn’t always. It used to feel like wasting on that energy on something as petty and unnecessary as jealousy was time well spent.

But like I said, I’ve got cocky at this point.

I can spend that energy on just enjoying myself and living my damn life. I’m out with our friends, enjoying my time with them. I can leave them to needlessly worry about things that don’t need to be worried about.

The ones that really know us take the same approach as me. They pay it no mind. The attention he gets. It still follows him almost wherever he goes, so it’s total bullshit that I poached him in his prime. He’s still got ‘it’, whatever it is. It’s still there.

And I guess I’m supposed to feel jealousy at this turn of events. He’s trying to get me a drink and so many others are trying to see if they can schmooze one out of him too. They can’t. They won’t.

He’ll get a gin and tonic and a vodka martini and extract himself from the surprisingly large group of people that flutter their eyelashes at him and make his way back over to our group. To me. He’ll hand me my martini as he sits back down in the seat he just vacated and his arm will settle around the back of my chair and I’ll lean into the warmth of his side and that will be it. We’ll just exist comfortably around each other until eventually we’ll silently agree that it’s time to go and we’ll fall into bed together.

It’s almost mundane in its routine.

But it’s better than jealousy.

 

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It’s The Colours

In a way there is a part of me that should have seen it coming.

The signs were all there. Have been for pretty much the entire time that I have known her. Which at this point is just over 2 decades. And for most of them she’s been partially in love with someone else. It’s not her fault.

It’s the colours.

She got them young. Latched onto them. Even when the person who was supposed to be making her world brighter very much didn’t. That’s not her fault. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not her fault.

She didn’t know any better. None of us did really. It wasn’t even something that had been mentioned to us when it happened to her. She had to figure it out on her own. There was only so much her dad was willing to tell her and her mum shut down completely and avoided confronting the problem at all.

So it stuck to it. She pinned her hopes on him and eventually he came around. Once it became ‘cool’ for his friends to start talking about their soulmates and once one of his finally seemed to be on the colours train he finally let himself accept what she had known for years.

They were fated for each other.

There was a part of me that wanted to hate her for letting him into her life after he had spent so many years almost destroying it. But then that part of me gets over it relatively quickly when I remember that this is the way it is supposed to be.

She was always supposed to end up with him. He was always her future. Her way into getting everything that we all want in this world.

Colour.

I was starting to accept that mine would just never get here. That I was destined to live my life in black and white, and while it sucked, I also accepted that it was just going to be the way it was for me. They had died young, they lived on the other side of the world, or just in another country and I don’t travel. The stars weren’t going to align for me and I was fine with that.

I was fine with always being the bridesmaid. With being the one who got to hear all about what the colour orange looks like and how it is somehow different for everyone. I wouldn’t know.

Or at least I didn’t know.

What green was. Or blue.

I could imagine because when it’s something that you don’t have and then suddenly you do it’s pretty much all you can talk about. It’s all my friends talk about. I’ve heard about from them all. It’s helped me build an image as to what the world actually looks like even though it had yet to fully reveal it full technicolour glory to me.

It’s doing it now.

It’s not allowing for time or for anything as normal as the grieving process.

It’s just happening now. We’re both ignoring the elephant in the room.

I want to know how she feels about it all but can’t ask her because then I would be acknowledging it. I want to talk to her about the cool new things that I am discovering because I can finally see parts of the world in colour for the first time in 30 years. But I can’t.

I can’t talk to anyone about it because if I do they’ll start to ask who it is. Who did I finally bump into that meant that the colours arrived into my life. And I can’t tell them the truth.

I can’t tell them that it’s our friend.

My best friend.

The one who just lost her whole life and is still trying to put herself back together.

I can’t tell them that I waited all this time only to find out that it would finally come to me in one of the worst ways.

I thought this whole thing was supposed to be one of the greatest things that happened to you. To finally to be able to see in colour and discover that with the person that you universe told you was yours.

But it’s not.

I’m alone.

And apparently someone’s second chance.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.

And the one person that I want to talk to about this with I can’t because she’s the cause and acknowledging it would throw our world out of balance.

I want to give her time, to do what she has to do. But I also want to talk to someone about it.

She’s the only person who would understand. Who would be excited for me. Except she can’t be. Because it’s her. And I’m now a reminder of what she’s lost and can never have again.

This is supposed to be great. It’s billed as great. Everyone talks about how great it is.

Right now, on my own, trying to figure out what the hell to call the colour of the sky right now because I don’t actually have a name for it, it feels anything but great.

Someone is trying to get out of a writing rut right now and get myself back in the zone, so the next few of these might have this kind of vibe. It’s to do with The Thing.

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Hard Times

It scratches at my skin at this point.

This itch.

This one that I can’t quite get to.

Everything just feels a little bit displaced.

The colours of the world seem more muted. Dusty pinks and dull oranges. Nothing really stands out to me anymore.

The world might as well be in black and white right now for all that I can really feel and see of it.

Something just isn’t right anymore.

I could lie and say that I don’t know what the problem is, but I do.

I could feel it creeping in and threatening to take over my whole life for a while now.

Just hovering on the periphery waiting for the perfect moment to strike. If I really paid attention to it and allowed myself to acknowledge it then I probably could have avoided it happening.

But I didn’t.

I buried my head in the sand and just kind of let it make its slow approach into clouding over my life.

It’s always slow.

Until it’s not.

Until it’s just dark clouds that hang low and heavy over everything. That colour everything in something that feels slightly dirty. A dingy sepia tone that feels kind of comforting for a while and then feels exactly like it is.

Depressing.

It’s an episode.

I guess for some reason I was due one of those.

I was due one of those weeks where the pit of my stomach feels like it’s constantly tying and untying itself in knots. Where my vision gets kind of spotty and I start to feel lightheaded. It gets kind of hard to breathe sometimes. Like something is pushing down onto my chest. Or holding my ribcage in a vice grip.  My hands get clammy and there always seems to be sweat just trickling down the groove of my spine. I get used to locking myself in the toilet and just trying not to cry. Or at the very least trying to make it look like I haven’t been crying.

I’ve learned a lot of tricks for that one.

I try to keep my hands to myself so that no-one else will notice that they are always slightly damp. Or notice that the skin around the nails has been completely torn to shreds.

I have my processes these days. The ones that have become a home away from home which is kind of sad the longer that I think about it and the longer this particular episode lasts. But is also kind of comforting to know that I have.

It makes the knowledge that the weather is going to take a turn a little easier.

I have my methods. I have the order in which I go through them all. Sometimes the order works and I can get through it quickly. Sometimes it doesn’t work and it feels like the dullness will never lift from the world.

I think I know the reason for this particular episode. Stemming from loneliness. The kind that will soon be over once I get home. Not the building that I will return to but the people that inhabit it.

The ones who make everything a bit more bearable again.

I can’t wait to get back so this itch can finally be scratched…

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Glossier 3.0

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I swear at some point I will maybe not talk about Glossier but they are pretty much are my skincare routine now. Bar two products, it is my skin care routine.

And soon it will probably be the only brand that I use for my skincare. I just really love it. Which seems like a cliche thing because some of the stuff is so overly hyped, but rightfully so.

My skin has cleared up so much since using it. And it is also really soft and super hydrated these days. That hyperpigmentation issue is slowly settling down again. My breakouts seem to be mostly hormonal now, which I am not mad about.

It’s working.

I love the routine that I have down for it. It’s simple and effective and going through the process each morning and night is a process for me. It gets me into the day and settles me to get ready for bed.

I mean I also use other Glossier products as well. I swear by Boy Brow because it does real great, natural, things to my eyebrows which is essential. I really like the stretch concealer because it adds an extra layer of coverage to my under eyes which these days is really required, seriously I never don’t look tired. I’m not a huge fan of the tint because it makes my face look hella shiny after like 10 minutes which is not something that I need in life.

I swear by the sunscreen because I really love the fact that it’s clear and doesn’t at any point make me look ashy. Although the shelf life in the summer is a lot shorter. It currently only lasts a month, but it was lasting me 2 months prior to that.

I also just got the Lash Slick in my life. I’ve only used it once and so far I’m unsure of it. I currently am a bit iffy of the wand and also it didn’t quite do what I wanted to my lashes, however that might just be because I am so very attached to my Urban Decay one because it just does the damn thing with my lashes.

I still haven’t taken the leap with the serum yet but I do now know which one I want, so when my current Vitamin E one runs out I will take the jump, or I might just use them both. I’m undecided about that one yet, but it’s coming. I know it is.

Also, my face is due a new face mask and well, they have them. I mean I have a free face mask to claim from Lush first which I am kind of really looking forward to getting because my face has missed Prince of Darkness and also it hasn’t been properly exfoliated in a while so that will be a nice treat for it.

I’ve also been contemplating using the perfume as well. I have had a lot of samples of it because you get them whenever you make a purchase pretty much (or you can choose it, and I usually always do because I don’t need a sample of a cleanser I already use) and I really do like it. There’s something about it that does it for me but similarly to my attachment to my mascara my attachment to my current perfume is pretty intense. I have used it every day for like 4/5 years and the thought of saying goodbye to it is kind of scary, in a really non-important way.

I’m due to make a new order this week anyway because my day moisturiser is pretty much on its last legs and so I need to order more. And we’ll just see what else ends up in my basket and on its way to me…

Basically I’m still a sucker for Glossier and I can’t see it changing any time soon.

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