There is no reason for my silence last week other than the fact that I forgot until Saturday night and then could think of nothing remotely worthy of actually posting without seeming like something that I have previously done where I just talk in circles and somehow make it to 500 words. Anyway, I did a creative thing this week and this is the product.
‘Because I knew you, I have been changed for good’
The thing about getting to know someone is that you get to know them. In the eye of it all you don’t ever think that there will be a time when you don’t know them. You catalogue all the little things that they say, no matter how seemingly insignificant. You do that because in the heat of it all it’s the little things that you remember that make all the difference. It’s worth storing away all the useless information that you acquire for their eyes to light up a little when you remember that little thing that they said once in passing.
Then one day, for whatever reason, you stop talking to that person and they leave your life. But the heaps of useless information you know about them doesn’t go anywhere. Not for a while at least. Suddenly you wake up one day and wonder why it just feels off. Then it hits you that it’s their birthday, or a former anniversary or a day where they just needed you to be there because things were a bit shitty. They probably have someone else for that now.
Or another day you see something in that particular shade of red that they loved and almost buy it, just for the light in their eyes when you hand it to them later. But there won’t be a later. Or at least there is unlikely to be. Then the numb feeling that was always present in the early days returns and you don’t quite know what to do with yourself. It happens less frequently over time, but it happens on occasion nonetheless.
For some reason it hits you particularly hard when you watch something that you only really watched because they did. You find yourself invested in these characters that you never thought you would care about, but you can’t bring yourself to stop watching because, well, you do care. The ever constant reminder of their absence be damned.
What’s the worse though is when you see them out again doing their own thing. Ordering the same drink that you still remember them declaring the greatest thing they had ever tasted. Or adding another pair of jeans to their already extensive collection (that you’re positive can only have increased in size). Or you see them in that slightly over-sized jumper that they only wore when they needed to feel safe with their sweater paws clutched around a phone, a mug or something solid to ground them. And you want to give them a hug and hold them while they burrow into the jumper and inhale that scent that’s always just smelled a little bit like home…
Sometimes you see them with someone else. Someone who also makes their eyes crinkle when they smile or who causes that high blush on their cheeks and makes them hide slightly behind their hands. And you see them happy and wonder why you stopped being able to make them feel that. And you wonder whether that new person knows all the stupid little things that make them laugh, smile, hide or sad and you how they use all the information. Are they better or worse then you were. And even though a part of you hurts to think about it, you hope that this person is better because you still think they deserve the world, or a version of it at least.
Then you wake up the day after and feel off for a little bit because even the numb feeling never really goes away 100%, it’s stronger now that you’ve seen them happy with someone.
When you know all the seemingly inconsequential ins and outs of a person you will most likely know them for good. You’ve been changed a little bit and once they are no longer in your life you can’t figure out if it’s for the better or not.
‘Because I knew you, I have been changed for good.’
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