Hi, Hey, Hello!
It’s Wednesday, so happy middle of the work week to you! It is also therefore day 3 of Writing 101 and today’s prompt is ‘one word inspiration’ (in the case the title hadn’t already given that away).
The words were as follows: Regret, Uncertainty, Treasure, Home, Love, Secret.
The struggle to pick only one was actually a lot harder than I anticipated and even now I think I’ve combined two together. Basically I got hit with the idea for this when I was updating my planner and looking at what is due this month on Saturday afternoon (because yup that is still happening and yet I was also procrastinating because I really should have been thinking about ready to go out) and the idea was (is) this:
In hindsight I probably should have brought Liz along with me. For no other reason than I think that she might prevent me from screaming at somebody right now.
It was all going fine until I remembered that it wasn’t just lunch with my parents that I was going out for. Which I did realise when I was about 30 seconds out of the door and I know Liz would be more than willing to have come out and endure this ordeal with me, but that almost didn’t seem fair to her.
I have gone through every scenario for this in my head and have done since it was proposed almost a month ago and in all of these scenarios, taking her with me to this came out as a bad idea. Probably because in my head I continued to paint Liz as this odd child like version of her that needs to be protected against the great big bad at all costs.
But now here I am sitting here realising that I am wasting several of the few hours that I could actually spend with her here, wishing she was here and counting down the seconds until I can get back home to her. And this entire encounter could probably do with her being around because she wouldn’t be taking this shit. Heck, if she was here they wouldn’t even be saying this shit about her.
Treating her like she is some kind of scum who is a temporary feature in my life. Yet she has stuck around throughout everything. She’s the one that gives up sleep to pick me up from airports at strange hours of the day, takes my phone calls no matter what the time is, makes sure that I’m sleeping properly regardless of how hypocritical that makes her. She’s the perfect listener and thinker. And in this case she would be the perfect distraction.
She would distract me from the fact that Alyssa hasn’t stopped bitching about everything wrong with her life and how it was my fault that she stopped talking to me until she realised that I might actually have a chance at being something. She would distract me from the fact that Leanne hasn’t stopped glaring at me since she sat down over an hour ago. She would distract me from the fact that both of them have continually attempted to rub their ‘perfect’ lives in my face because they have husbands and children and a regular routine while I still float around without roots and a flaky girl.
I’m finding that nigh on impossible to ignore actually, the idea that Liz is just gonna up and leave one day because that’s what all people who are around me for too long should do. Or will do.
And it’s not that I need her to reassure me that she won’t do that, but there is a part of me that needs her to reassure me that she’s still gonna be there when I get home. Every time I get home. Because they do have point. She’s not the flaky one though. I am.
I am wasting an afternoon of the 3 days I have back at home here as opposed to with her. I am nowhere near as good at answering her rare calls as she is mine, I get in moods where I get to restless to listen to her all the time. I don’t check in on her as much I should I know she doesn’t need me to but I also know that she doesn’t sleep a properly all the time. I know her work consumes her too but I forget to tell her slow down and take it easy, she never does that with me. Ever.
She is consistently there.
Except for now where she isn’t. And not because I don’t want her to be but because i’m too scared for her to be. I’m scared because she has never known my family outside of my parents and they are tolerant. They aren’t great, but they are tolerant and they are getting better. More accepting, less scathing. And they are infinitely better then my sisters. And I’m scared that if she saw that, she saw truly what would potentially be in her life then she would leave. She’ll finally reach the point where whatever feelings she has for me won’t be enough anymore.
So I’m selfishly keeping her away from this all. And hating myself for it. One because I’m in this on my own and she is great person to have in her corner and two because even after all this time there is still a part of me that thinks that Liz is going to wake up one day and stop this. And right now, sat here in this barrage of hate and negativity for some reason that is the prevailing feeling I have. That’s she’s going to leave. And if she were here like I know we both she were that this feeling would be so far removed from this occasion because it would be obvious.
We’re in this for the long haul. With each other.
But as it were, because I am an idiot we aren’t. And I need to go home.
If it wasn’t obvious this is part of the Snapshot canon told in a slightly disjointed fashion because that is the way the mind works sometimes, there’s a second part/companion piece (that actually was conceived before this one) coming on Sunday in a form that is more familiar than this first person Ryan POV. Oh and I went with the word ‘regret’ with a little bit of ‘home’ thrown in (and I guess it could be seen as ‘love’ as well, so I did a truly terribly job at sticking to a one word inspiration…)
Parentheses count: 5. See you tomorrow!
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