Hi, Hey, Hello!
Happy Wednesday! Half way through the week already somehow. I feel like I say whaaattttt? in relation to time a lot right now but as we are hurtling ever closer to the end of the year I feel like it is super relevant because seriously did this year just not start?
Right today’s prompt was weirdly difficult for me. I write from quotes a lot and yet when I saw the title for today I was stumped. I had a lot of ideas, but none of them seemed to stick with me and then one did out of the blue (literally as I started typing this it came to me, because before this I had written down only two other potential quotes to bounce off of and surprise surprise one of them was from Hamilton…). So my quote is from a Years and Years song, Desire.
‘I wanna see what you’re willing to lose’
I don’t know if it’s possible to give anymore of myself to this…thing. To this life. To this choice that I made what feels like decades ago. It feels like it was a different lifetime. But it isn’t. It was this one. It was three years ago.Three years ago I made a seemingly life changing decision that I thought would change everything for the better. And if did for a while. For a while everything was gold and glitter, rainbows and unicorns. It was everything that I wanted and more. It was perfect.
Until it wasn’t.
Until it morphed into this. Where waking up with the sun and falling asleep just before it came back up again became the norm. Where I forget whether or not I have eaten at least two meals a day. Where my phone is constantly buzzing and none of it is ever from people that I consider a friend or family member. Because they have been almost completely pushed to one side. I’ve missed birthdays, weddings, christenings, general celebrations, my life.
Knocks on my door scare me. I physically jump at them now. Nothing seems to be safe for me anymore. Being out in crowds is overwhelming but being inside feels stifling and lonely. No one is there to talk to because by the time I realise that I need someone I also remember that they have already been pushed away. By me.
It’s a cycle. One that I’m scared to break. Because at least if I have this one thing then I have something. Without it I don’t know who I am anymore. Which is a terrifying state of affairs to find yourself in as it turns out.
But I either keep like this or I lose.
Parentheses count: 1. See you tomorrow!
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