Hi, Hey, Hello!
I am fully aware that we are now 11 days into the new year and therefore it might seem like this post is coming a bit late. But it is coming at this time because it has basically taken me all week (my year started on the 4th, what can I say?) to try and figure out exactly how to put what I am thinking in a really jumbled and messy fashion into something that would be considered coherent. Into words.
I kinda hinted at it in my first post of the year, but I don’t really buy into the whole ‘new year, new me’ thing. Like if you’re gonna make a change, just make it. Don’t wait until a certain passing of time to try and make the change (and then inevitably say it will happen on some day that isn’t the first day of the year, when you’re potentially feeling fragile), just do it. Be proactive about it.
However, (and no there is no ‘new me’ old me is just fine, could do with a few changes, but like generally fine) there is a part of me this year that has bought into the importance of this particular flicking over from 11:59 to 00:00. I need the psychological importance of there being a 6 at the end of the date instead of a 5 now. I need to buy into that. I need that fresh start right now, because I need the last year to be definitively behind me.
2015 was hard.
It was mentally exhausting.
I spent half of it unemployed and apparently unemployable. So that was fun. And hard. It kind of made it seem like the blood, sweat and, yeah occasionally, actual tears that I had spent for the past 7 years was kind of pointless and if I was just gonna sit around to silence then I might as well have not bothered at all.
Yeah it got bad. Spending days on your own feeling useless for months on end is hard. And there isn’t enough Ben and Jerry’s in the world to drown that kind of sorrow.
And then I got a job and it was great. Until that delightful thing called anxiety decided that it was gonna make itself know again. I had it under control for a year. A whole year, and while there were other problems there to replace it, that particular problem was gone. And that was blissful. Until it wasn’t.
Cue burnout. And a new found appreciation for the fact that I work surrounded by coffee. And music actually. And then also laughter. And the odd late lunch equipped with cocktails. And writing. And I’m done with the ‘ands’ now.
But in all seriousness the second I finished work last year for Christmas (and up until last week) it became odd to see me out of bed before noon (because I am nocturnal and also not on Christmas day). I had to switch off and just not be on. So I slept. I did other things too, I mean not a lot else and they mainly involved the consumption of chocolate but I wasn’t just sleeping all the time (it went from 5/6 hours to nearly 10 some nights. Can you imagine? 10 hours sleep. Incredible.).
But that cycle I was in almost felt never ending and there was always a part of me that was like ‘it’s gonna turn again. Don’t get comfy because the last time you did that the turn caught you right off guard and made everything worse again’.
And (sorry, I lied) then the clock went from 11:59pm 31/12/15 to 00:00 01/01/16 and it felt like the change between seconds was actually lightyears away for me. Which needed. Fuck, did I need it.
I mean I am still me, I don’t even know who I am without a certain level of stress existing in my life so I’m not walking around thinking that I left that all behind in a different year. But I am going into this year/have gone into this year with a different perspective. One that basically boils down to calming the fuck down.
Yes, I am going to make mistakes, yes I am going to occasionally forget things (8/10 times they are minor things, I am gonna allow myself the panic for the other 2/10), yes I am going to get flustered when the phone rings for the first time when I’m work because that thing is loud and I never expect it to start ringing. Yes, sometimes I am going to be useless because I just don’t know the answer. Yet. Yes, things aren’t always going to go my way and yeah I’m probably (definitely) still gonna have days where it all gets too much. But that’s okay.
That’s the thing I need to remember for this year. It’s okay. And (again, sorry) well if it isn’t for whatever reason then the world is probably unlikely to implode around me. and I’ll get through it. Always have, probably always will.
And (this is the last one, I promise) sometimes I just gonna have to make like Elsa and let it the fuck go.
Parentheses count: 9. See you tomorrow!
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