Hi, Hey, Hello!
So my trusty new little blue diary occasionally has little notes written in it, just a couple of suggestions on random dates and on one of them, on today March 1st it simply send ‘send someone a love letter’ and well I didn’t have anything scheduled for today and I thought I would use it and do just that, but it’s me so don’t expect a sappy love letter. Expect this
I am good at being alone. I have convinced myself that I am comfortable that way. It is my default. There will be days when I don’t want to talk because I have almost forgotten how. I will retreat into myself and stay there for days. It is not to do with you I can promise. And if it is then you will know about it. I can assure you of that.
My own head is my own worst enemy. It will convince me of things that I know aren’t true. It will consume my every moment and make me hate the things that I know I love. There are parts of me, the dark parts, that will start a battle within me and the dark parts will win. They will win and they will bring along with them dark times. Times where I will lash out, or not say anything at all. Times where the world around me will make me seethe silently and where I will want nothing more than to sit in a dark room on my own, or stand in the middle of a field and just scream. It will not be your fault, even though it may seem like it is. It’s just me losing a battle that I have been fighting for years.
I will not love you in the way they make it seem in the movies. Or any other form of media. Sometimes something as small as me actually making it out of bed to see you might be the biggest gesture of love I make for weeks. Other times I might not even manage that. But know that I want to. I want to give you everything that you deserve, but sometimes that is just not possible.
But you’re patient with me and I love that. Sometimes I almost feel sorry and guilty that this is love life that you have chosen. I know you hate it when I say this but I sometimes feel like you can do better than the person who burrows in blankets and sits in the dark for days. Who works from home to avoid human contact. Who cries at puppies sleeping and sometimes has to avoid sharp objects. Who could live in a bath because it gives the illusion of calm and safety, because ironically it feels like bodies of water are the greatest form of protection there is. Who won’t talk to you for days but needs you in my life. Seems to take more than they give. I am sorry for that. And I thank you for your patience.
I hope that one day, if you are patient for that long, I can be better. Partially for you and also for me. Mainly for me.
But for now, and for a while, I love you for all that you are and all that you let me be and all that you’ve given me.
Find me here: