Hi, Hey, Hello!
Happy Wednesday folks. So similar to what I did with Alive a few weeks back I decided to give it another go because it was kind of fun the last time and also the pressure of only having 30 minutes to write something down means that I actually buckle down and get shit done.
So basically, I chose this song because this one line from it would not leave me the hell alone and I find that when that happens the best thing to do it just write something down and put it out into the world so it can bother someone else from now on. Oh the song is Lose it All, Backstreet Boys.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it. Probably more time than I should have. I’m pretty sure that put off doing things that I should have been doing. You know like work and stuff. My dad is having a birthday soon and I am in charge of food and all that jazz, but I can’t seem to focus on that.
I’m only focused on this.
This all consuming thought.
Which I know sounds ridiculous because, well I’ve never really mentioned this before. Or, if I have been living my life correctly, even alluded to this being the case.
You know, the whole being in love with you thing.
Which is true. It’s actually pretty much one of the only things I have ever been sure of in my life. That and the fact that I wanted to be lawyer. But one was a choice made just by living, not one made by who I was raised by and my environment.
But I feel like I should tell you now. Yes, for purely selfish reasons, but I need it to be out there in the universe. Maybe that’s why I can never let it go. Because it was built up inside me like a secret. Well, not like a secret, but an actual secret.
I’m not saying this because I want to change your mind or anything. In fact to be honest I am kind of fully expecting you to throw it back in my face and then cut any contact from me. Because I know what I’m doing right now is selfish and unfair.
You’re with them now. And I’m happy for you. Seriously I am. Your happiness is all that has ever mattered to me. And all that ever will matter to me, which is why telling you this has been one of the hardest things I have ever thought about doing. It’s why my dad’s birthday party might go without food and why my emails are just totting up one by one unanswered. Because by telling you this I am fairly certain that I am making you unhappy, even if it’s just for a little while.
But I need you to know.
I love you.
It’s a simple and as difficult as that.
I love you.
And I am not expecting you to do anything with that information. Pretend you never heard, never talk to me again. Do whatever you deem appropriate. I won’t mind. I’ve made my peace with all the worst case scenarios. And I’ll miss you every day should you choose the worst outcome for me but I will still something akin to content about.
Because I know that you have your happiness and that you will continue to have that. They make you happier than I am proving that I ever could. I don’t think that they would pull a stunt like this. A selfish stunt. They have your best intentions at heart. And I think I might do as well. Or maybe not. I guess that is up to you to decide and I like to think that I know you well enough to know which side you fall on.
But it’s fine. Please don’t feel guilty about it. I don’t want that, which I know sounds ridiculous given what I’m doing, but I don’t. There was no way you could have know and I didn’t really want you to. I valued your friendship more than I did you knowing what my feelings are.
So why am I doing this?
Because I need closure. You’re happy and you’ve got what you wanted in life and I am happy for you. But I need this. I don’t know why, but what I do is that when I finally wrote the words down it felt like a weight had been lifted off me. It was a relief. One I didn’t know I would feel would happen, but I guess any secret weighs heavy when you let sit there for long enough. Which I have done.
So now you know.
It’s out there. You know. I know for sure that you know. We’re wherever you chose for us to be. And it’s fine.
I know you’re gonna be happy in the end and that’s beautiful.
I don’t even know what happened here, but I do know that I 7 minutes left. So challenge done!
Parentheses count: 0. See you tomorrow!
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