Say No To This

Hi, Hey, Hello!

Somehow it went completely past me that we are past the halfway point of the month. It happened on Friday, so maybe that’s why it kind of passed me by, I was just writing. Anyway back to today, where there was only one lyric that stood out to be because I FEEL IT IN MY SOUL DEEPLY…

‘I hadn’t slept in a week, I was weak, I was awake’

There comes a point where you don’t even feel tired anymore. Or maybe that’s just me. I’ve reached that point. It’s a point where I can feel the exhaustion has settled deep into my bones and I can feel my thoughts chugging along in my brain at a pace that suggests the thought train is about to break down. And probably never start back up again.

Or maybe it will. Maybe if the train breaks down I will stop fucking thinking. All. The. Time. I will stop worrying if I left the hairdryer on even though I gagillion checked the plug and had even put the damn hairdryer back where it belongs. I will stop thinking and over analysing that one conversation I had 12 years ago when I was young and ignorant. And the one that I had two weeks ago where I was definitely in the right but was beaten into a corner where I had to concede defeat and then was ultimately made to seem weak and spineless. I knew they’re talking about me behind my back and I know I should have stood my ground. I will stop vividly creating scenarios in my head that have no way of possibly happening in reality and I will also stop over planning that too.

I’d just not be on anymore. And at this point, where every breath I take feels like I am running a marathon and every time I blink my eyes feel like they are being gently stabbed by a thousand needles, I would take just not being on anymore. Surely if I  am so exhausted that I can’t form a proper thought then I can’t possibly stay awake anymore. It’s like a control, alt, delete thing? Force restart.Just drop off into some kind of sleep until my brain switches itself back on and decides I need to pee or eat or something.

The irony of the fact that I am currently over thinking about thinking is not lost on me, don’t worry.

This whole exhaustion thing has made me hyper aware of everything. The light hitting the edges of leaves and the grass and other pieces of nature around me when honestly I would rather the light just took a permanent holiday from my life. The sound of cars shifting gears and moving their handbrakes on and off at traffic lights, and no I am not joking. I wish I was, but that is a thing I notice these days. I notice the way people can go from being a-okay to being super pissed off in the blink of an eye through what seems like nothing at all. I witness people’s mood changes. I notice stupid shit like that these days, others are legit too involved in themselves to notice that. They just live a self absorbed life and get on with it. I don’t even really care about these people, they are almost always strangers, but I am so not with it anymore that apparently I am going to notice the moods of those around me. Like I’m just walking around reading auras or something.

I notice the little things, but have stopped doing the big things. Because exhaustion apparently makes me want to do that. The clear big one is that I am no longer sleeping. I’m also existing on take-out, and living in this city is handy because I have yet to return to the same place twice and have therefore not received any judgemental looks from delivery people. Except for pizza, somehow the same person always ends up delivering my pizza, they’ve noticed that I’m eating a lot of pizza these days. More than usual that is. I’ve stopped doing laundry so I’m buying new underwear on a weekly basis. I consider exercise actually moving from my sofa to my bed to ‘sleep’. I’ve run marathons before and now ten steps is my limit.

I’ve pretty much fallen apart without actually falling apart. Which I have also done in my lifetime, so I know that this isn’t that. This is something else entirely. It’s bone tired exhaustion. It’s a feeling that means that I can’t do anything anymore. It’s being proud of not mentioning how tired I am to those around me at any point. It’s actually making a dent on all the things I have been meaning to watch but not actually retaining anything because that’s not a thing my brain knows how to do anymore. Don’t tell me what happened in House of Cards because even though it will tell you that I am up to date I don’t remember anything beyond the first two episodes. It’s keeping a journal of all my thoughts only to realise that nothing I am actually thinking is relevant or useful to anything. I am honestly thinking for thinking’s sake.

I am thinking just for the sake of keeping myself awake. I am thinking that I have built up a fear falling asleep now, it’s been that long since it last happened. Like I’m scared I’m going to miss something. What that something is I do not know, but I imagine I will find out that it happened once I’ve woken up. Or maybe I’m scared that I will pull a Sleeping Beauty and just fall into a deep, deep sleep from which I won’t awaken from for hundreds of years, and I won’t be woken by my knight in shining armour. I’ll probably somehow be woken up by a Nokia ringtone that won’t ever die.

I’m thinking that I wrote this just to pass the time. Well I don’t think that, I’m past the point of thinking things anymore, I know that I did that. I passed about an hour doing this which has pushed me one hour closer to sunrise, which means that soon I will throw on a hoodie and make my way to my spot in the park after I grab a very large, very strong coffee from a 24 hour cafe on my way. Yes I have a spot now, and no I don’t remember the last time I asked for that coffee. I just walk in and by the time I get to the counter to pay for it it’s there.

That’s the kind of life I lead.

I’m a mess. A sleepy, sleepy mess. Who has a sun to go and watch rise.

Main sign off


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Sophie

Sophie, twenty-something, avid reader, writer, really good at watching whole seasons of TV shows in one weekend and using 10 words where 5 will do, overzealous user of the ellipsis and parentheses, starts too many sentences with ‘and’ and ‘so’, living in a continual state of Wanderlust.

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