Hi, Hey, Hello!
Part of 2, again featuring characters that I have already used before, but this is a fresh angle, I’m using it is a writing exercise to kick start my ideas related to this particular project.
‘I love my sister more than anything in this life, I will choose her happiness over mine every time.’
It’s funny because she’s always been there for me. Of course she has, she’s my big sister. In many ways she was this strange second mother figure to me. She was the one I would turn to when I needed advice but felt kind of weird about going to Mom for it because she never had to approach the situation as a mother would, she could just talk without worrying about what I thought of her.
Of all the things that have happened over the past few months, except for the fact that I’m an orphan, our relationship is the thing that has changed most. We both have vivid memories of our parents being there. Part of me honestly never envisaged a world where I wouldn’t have that triangle for a support system. Mom, Dad, Nix. That’s how it was, how I thought it would be for years to come. Between the three of them I could talk to them about any and everything. And now two were gone. And it hurts. I took that life, that solid equilateral triangle, for granted.
And then I feel guilty for feeling like that because every time I get angry that I’m seemingly on my own I remember that Nix is in the same boat as me, except her’s is on rockier water, because she inherited children. She has 3 kids to deal with now and I’ve seen the looks that people give her when she’s out with them. They judge her because apparently that’s all people know how to do. They judge those they think had kids when they were young and immature and didn’t know what a condom was. Nix pretends it doesn’t bother her, but I can see that she wants to scream at everyone who makes a thinly veiled comment about the ‘situation’ that they aren’t her children. But she doesn’t because otherwise she would never stop screaming. That and I think there is a part of her that is still in denial.
She won’t say it out loud. That they’re dead. It’s almost like she can’t. And it’s frustrating to say the least. She keeps working and working and working and pushing herself to uphold the standard of parenting that two people had done for years. And she’s burning herself out. I can see it in her eyes. They are pretty much void of anything. They’re usually the bluest of blues, I have always been a little jealous of them because mine are such a boring brown in comparison, but these days they look grey. Dead. And they are framed by a deep purple. Honestly the bags under her eyes have gotten so bad that they look more like bruises. There are other signs as well, the clothes with the holes and stains on them, the lacklustre hair, she’s losing a lot of weight, she’s falling apart but trying to keep up the illusion that she has it together.
The pseudos haven’t noticed that she’s falling apart because, well they wouldn’t, they are more focused on wreaking havoc then the wellbeing of others. Josh is close to noticing that something isn’t quite right with her, but he’s only ever known her as ‘Mother’ Nix, he doesn’t know that she used to shine so bright and so hard before this happened. I know Mom would take one look at her in the state she is in now, take away her laptop and tuck her in bed with a peppermint tea and the curtains drawn. She would make her rest. Dad would do the same but he would probably throw in an intense game of Scrabble. They would notice and she would listen. She won’t listen to me because I’m her younger sister.
Blake thinks I am too preoccupied with her wellbeing. He snaps at me because apparently she is all I talk about when we hang out. Which isn’t true, I talk about Scott and Lydia and Hayden is doing new cute things all the time that demand to be commented on, so she’s not all I talk about. But I talk about her a lot, I know I do, but that’s because she’s kind of the most important thing there is to me right now, and she probably always will be.
Blake thinks that I should focus on me and what I want for my future but it’s falling on deaf ears because I’ve already done that. I have sent all my college applications off, I didn’t let my change in circumstances affect the choices I made when I was 14. Mom and Dad would have hated that and Nix would too. If Nix found out that I changed my college dreams for her then I never would hear the end of it. So I didn’t. Although Blake doesn’t appear to see it, I’ve put what I want first and now I’ve put it to bed. There’s not much else I can do other than keep my grades up and wait to be either accepted or rejected.
So now I need to focus on Nicola. She’s made the first step, she’s let Josh in which is unexpected to say the least, but there is still a part of me that is waiting for her to kick him out for some tenuous reason. Because she will do that, I know she will. She lets herself get close to happy these days and then takes it away from herself, which is odd, but she thinks she deserves it. She’s a fucking martyr like that. She thinks she is putting the needs of the many ahead of her own, but in actual fact she’s driving me mad. Her needs are just as, if not more, important than those of the rest of us. If she breaks, then the other three are fucked. And so am I because I’ll have to pick up the pieces and try to keep everything going. Which is fine, I’m prepared for that, but I would also like to avoid it if possible. I think that might be the safer option for all involved.
I also think that someone needs to be the one to tell her that she deserves happiness. Blake can keep telling me that it’s a lost cause all he wants, he can keep saying that I shouldn’t worry so much about her when I have my whole life in front of me. Frankly he can shut up. I know I’ll be fine, and probably mostly happy. But I need Nix to be okay, I need Nix to be happy before that can happen. There is no way I can leave for college, because I am leaving and both me and her know it, without knowing that’s she okay and no longer martyring her entire existence for the sake of her brothers and sister.
If anyone I know deserves to be happy then it’s Nix. And she had it once, happiness, she had it. I could see it, she radiated it, it was infectious. It was the reason that I wanted to be around her all the time, to feel how she felt. And she’s lost that. I need her to get it back.
And I need her to get a good night’s sleep.
Find me here: