Hating you seems counter productive.
It’s not your fault. It’s ridiculous that I have to keep reminding my of that fact.
It’s not your fault.
And I am not a martyr.
It feels like it sometimes. In my more selfish moments. It feels like I’ve just put my whole life on hold for them. For you.
Every time I feel sleep dragging me towards it and then I get pulled away by a screaming child or a complaint of a nightmare I hate you and feel like I’m sacrificing a part of myself on your behalf. I feel like these kids, my siblings, are leeching any life force that I might have within me somewhere and using it to fuel something I probably won’t get to see because one of them is going to take too much.
And it’s funny because I can almost hear you telling me that I don’t have to do this. That I worked so hard for so long and I shouldn’t have to put myself through this. I get the feeling that you would be lying through the skin of your teeth but you’d say it because that’s the kind of people that you are.
You want what’s best for all your kids. All of us and I guess that means me even though I’ve technically not been a ‘kid’ for over a decade now. And yeah, looking after the others probably isn’t what’s best for me. I definitely don’t think it’s best for them, but it’s what the 5 of us have right now and I need to remember that it’s not your fault that this is the way that our lives are and that I am not a martyr.
They are my mantras now.
But enough about me, I should talk about the things that the kids have done since you’ve been gone. It’s been a year now and a lot has happened.
There is some writing happening, some people actually want me to write for them even though everything is more skittish and frantic in my brain than ever. There’s a guy. Yeah really, a guy. He’s great. He’s tolerant. Which might not be the first thing that some people say about their relationships, but there you go. It’s what you need when you spring this kind of thing on another person out of nowhere. Tolerance. God knows it hasn’t been easy, but it’s been something. Something that I can’t quite imagine living without at this stage now. It’s been hard for sure, but when has anything ever really been easy?
Amelia. Mia. Total superstar. Obviously you already know that given that she was already one when you left, but she’s gotten into Harvard since then, and even though I know you saw that one coming it’s still a massive thing. She’s trying to play it cool but I can tell she is both equal parts excited and terrified about the prospect. Mainly I think she’s freaking out about the fact that she is going to have to contend with seasons for the first time ever. The prospect of snow is throwing her more than the thought of moving all the way to Massachusetts and almost starting anew. She’s on the way to making valedictorian, because apparently you breed those, so she’s started thinking about the speech and that’s instilling a new kind of fear in her. Things are all go for her at the moment and it’s thrilling to watch it happen for her, even if everything is tainted in sadness.
Scott and Lydia really banded together after everything happened. They almost became inseparable and pretty much have stayed that way. It causes some bother at the school, the fact that they still kick up a fuss when they have to go to their separate classes. I’m kind of dreading the time when they have to go separate schools because I don’t think they’ll be ready for that when the time comes. Although having said that they always have a way of surprising me, I’m sure it was the same with you. Lydia has really thrown herself into the dancing thing, she wants to be on Dancing With the Stars. Scott has decided that sports is his thing. Soccer, basketball, baseball, track. The only one that he won’t play is football, which I think I am grateful for because I don’t know if I could do that. They’re doing well though. They’re doing well now. They had this tendency to run off and hide from me at first, but that has eased off now thankfully. And well I can’t be too mad at them for it because ultimately their horrifying antics led us all to Josh.
Hayden, as can be expected, is the one where there has been the most change. He’s walking and talking and sleeping through the night. He’s eating solid food and has a thing for roast potatoes. His laugh is one of my favourite sounds in the world and apparently he doesn’t like my hair when it’s blonde. He looks like you Dad, more and more every day now. It’s weird. But I figure if he somehow ends up being more like Dad then anything else, even without you being here then it wouldn’t be the worst thing. In fact it would be pretty great.
We miss you, that’s a given, but we are making do. Trying to make do anyway. Over the past year it has gotten a bit easier. I imagine it will continue to get easier the longer we have, which is frankly a scary thought but I guess that’s life.
We love you and we miss you.
Find me here: