I woke up this morning and realised that I didn’t hate you anymore. I woke up totally indifferent to you. It was weird. It felt like a sense of euphoria had washed over me and I was truly happy for the first time in nearly a decade.
I honestly never thought that I would be able to feel that way again. To wake up and not have you be my first thought, to go to bed and not have you be my last thought and to not crop up in my thoughts multiple times a day while I am just trying to live my damn life. I didn’t think that your hold on me would ever cease. I haven’t seen you in nearly 10 years and yet you were still this continued presence in my life.
But not anymore.
It feels so great to be able to say that out loud.
I don’t care about you anymore.
I won’t do something anymore and have your voice in my head telling me that I shouldn’t. I won’t second guess everything that I do out from some weird fear that you are going to judge me for it. I won’t value an opinion that you had of a me that has evolved in every way imaginable since you left. I won’t worry anymore about all the decisions that I make just in case for some reason they aren’t what you wanted.
I can carry on with my life.
That’s what the last 10 years or so have felt like. They have felt like I was frozen in a period of time that I didn’t want to be stuck in and I didn’t know how make any progression. I just passed through the days in haze. A haze that was tainted by you. The memory of you. The mere thought of you. It was all you, you, you, you. I was scared for it to be anything but you and so I stayed there. I gave you an extra 10 years of my life that you didn’t deserve. That you didn’t ask for and didn’t even know about. I gave you all this power and rendered myself useless. I kept on giving you more power when I should have cut you off.
And I’ve finally found the strength somewhere to do just that. The possibilities that I have opened up to myself overnight are endless. Truly endless. Even just being able to choose a different coffee order today is almost overwhelming to me as a prospect. I have choice. I have options. I have chances to try something new. I can finally start living again. I can maybe even cry at this prospect without feeling like I am letting you down anymore.
It’s going to be fun trying to figure out this new life. This life in which you don’t inform all of my decisions as you did for 15 years in total. This life where I don’t dread the cycle of remembering you because there is nothing to remember anymore. To know that I don’t care about you at all anymore because even when I was hating you it meant that I still cared enough about you to feel that passionately at all. It’s a fine line and I’ve finally cleared it completely.
So I guess that means I’ve forgiven you. Or more accurately I have made my peace with it. I have let that part of me go now. I’ve not so much as forgiven you as I have stopped wasting my time and energy and life on you.
Whether this is forgiveness or not I don’t know, the most important part for me is that I woke up this morning and realised that I didn’t hate you anymore.
I woke up free.
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