Dear Past Me


Well I think it’s about time to let go of a few things. Or a lot of things.

Calling it forgiveness seems like a bit of a step to make because it’s not necessarily forgiveness. For some reason I have feeling that that particular step will never come, but peace has been made with that and now we just need to let them go.

That fire that you started in the garden and blamed on your sister meaning that she got grounded for some ridiculously long amount of time while you carried on living your life without any consequences which was the beginning of the end of your relationship with her. Time to let that go. You can’t go back in time and take the blame and saying anything now all these years later is just self serving at this point and you’ve already done enough of that.

That test you cheated on when you were 11 and then went a got a mark that completely elevated everything in your academic career when you really weren’t at that level at all. Time to let that go. You screwed yourself over and kind of ruined your own life academically speaking and the worst part is that you never even had to do it in the first place. No one ever really has to cheat, but you knew that you would have been fine without already knowing all the answers. But again, you can’t go back in time and change it, so it’s time to let that one go too.

That relationship that for some reason you deemed yours to get involved in and then watched crash and burn to the ground and cost yourself several of your closest friends. Time to let that go. Time to stop dwelling on that whole shitstorm of a situation. Time to stop thinking about how you shouldn’t have even started it because you caused a whole bunch of people a lot of unhappiness. Time to stop thinking about the fact that your general boredom at the time basically left you alone in life because you burnt all of those bridges and no amount of work is going to help rebuild them.

That job that you intentionally did terribly in because you were curious to see how long it would take before they decided that it was time to let you go. That weird social experiment that you took upon yourself for yourself just cos. Time to let that go. Time to stop thinking about the fact that it brought out all the worst traits in you, or rather more accurately amplified the ones that were always pretty near to the surface in you. Time to accept the fact that you have harmed yourself professionally just like you did academically because ultimately you’re an idiot because you can’t go back and change it. No matter how much you wish you could.

It’s probably time to turn over a new leaf and stop doing all these thinly veiled self destructive things. It’s probably time to put yourself in a position where you don’t have to compile a list every now and again to be symbolic of you letting things go. To stop being such a shitty person. To stop alienating yourself from everyone and leaving yourself alone in the world. To stop putting yourself in a position where you spend most of your time wishing that you had a magic clock that turned back time so that you could right all your wrongs and stop making bad decisions.

It’s time to stop.

Main sign off

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Sophie, twenty-something, avid reader, writer, really good at watching whole seasons of TV shows in one weekend and using 10 words where 5 will do, overzealous user of the ellipsis and parentheses, starts too many sentences with ‘and’ and ‘so’, living in a continual state of Wanderlust.

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