Dear Future Me,
The very notion of writing a letter to a version of me that doesn’t even exist yet and yet is also constantly coming into existence seems kind of odd to me.
Like should I age the future me that I am writing to right now? Am I 30? 25? 24? The problem with that, or maybe this is just me, is that I then have these flashbacks of being a kid and writing down all the amazing things that I wanted to have achieved by the time I was 25 and well I’m near to that age and surprise I have achieved next to nothing on that delightfully optimistic young me’s list excepting maybe graduating uni.
I definitely not all that optimistic anymore and if young me had known that getting to a stage where I could actually graduate uni with a decent grade would almost break me I bet it wouldn’t have been on the list.
Maybe (definitely) the difference between the young me who compiled a list of things 25 year old me will have achieved by that age and the 23 year old me who is currently writing this ambiguous letter to an unaged version of me is that current me has a concept of time and the limitations that surrounds me.
I am also very aware that I am my own worst enemy whereas younger me had a (not so real) enemy called S (obviously not her full name, nor am I talking about myself in a different person) and that took up so much of my time that I couldn’t fully second guess everything else, I was too busy trying to figure out why someone who called me her friend was also snapping rulers against my shins and punching me in the boob.
Young me talking about an age that I am now only just over a year away from didn’t know all the shit that would hit her in between being 8 and then. She didn’t have a clue. Why would she? I barely know what happened and I lived it. And that fact is the thing that seems to trip me and has done every time I’ve gone to tackle this particular prompt. I don’t have a fucking clue as to what is going to happen to me and how that is going to affect everything else. And also if I start writing down all my hopes and dreams for future me am I nlt then, as me in the present day getting on some level of inception on a Monday afternoon, the responsible for at least attempting to try them? Is that the point of this exercise? Is it supposed to act as some sort of self fulfilling prophecy? Is it supposed to be a more accurate, readdressing of an exercise that we are all guilty of playing when our age is in single digits? One that we can play better because we have a better understanding of our strengths and weaknesses. We know what our actual limitations are and what are the ones that we put on ourselves are. We know what we are capable of. To a degree, because that is always throwing curveballs at us as well. We can set goals for ourselves that we can actually attain? Ones that we know deep down we can start right now and then actually look at the list we wrote not that many years ago and think ‘yeah I actually did that thing I said I would’.
If that’s the case then here are a few things I have to say to you, future me:
- Fuck, I hope you’re happy. Like actually mostly happy. None of this bullshit that you’ve been good at pulling where you look fine and act mostly fine but are about one someone saying something remotely nice to you away from completely falling apart. I hope yo be stopped that.
- I hope you did the thing, You know the thing I’m talking about. I hope you shut the voice in your head that I am hearing a lot of right now the fuck up and that you got the thing done.
- I hope you don’t fall back out of love with yourself. It took so long to get to that point and having to go through all that again just doesn’t sound like something that I would want to do all over again.
- I hope you get better at getting out of your own way and just getting on with things. There are many other things that fall under that umbrella and thinking that you have got them all under control would be ridiculous, but I hope you have the important ones done.
- I hope that putting all these things down in this letter and just thinking it all out and putting out into the universe means something. Words have always done that for me, so let’s see if this works…
Find me here: