Starting this letter seems to be the hardest thing to do. I was warned that it would be. Actually undoing all the damage that I have done to myself and actually focus on the good things. And stay focused on the good things. None of this stuff where I say one good thing and then immediately refute it by saying 10 negative things
So, where do I start then?
I am resilient. I mean I have kind of learned that I have to be because this whole situation sort of requires it and I have only learned that I am resilient because of this. It’s hard not to learn it when every day it feels like you’ve hit rock bottom and then have to pick yourself back up to start all over again the next day. I’ve learned this fact about myself because it’s been necessary because I am the person who did this and put myself in a situation in which I need to be nothing but resilient. If I’m not then effectively I will die. That can’t count can it…no I should make it count. This exercise doesn’t work if I don’t make it count.
Something that is solely positive though?
I am pretty smart I guess. I mean I am also dumb enough to get myself into this mess in the first place, but there are parts of me that must be smart to a degree. Maybe not in the common sense department because I am also the kind of person who excels in science and all that stuff and knew exactly what damage I was doing to myself but just kept on plowing through with it. So I’m pretty smart but also pretty dumb. I’m only supposed to be focusing on one, but I can’t ignore the other even though I should.
I am almost back at my original weight. Which I guess some will take as a positive, but I don’t. Well I do because it means that people will stop staring so aggressively at all my protruding bones and then look away quickly when they notice that I notice their eyes fixed on me. It also means that I fit back in my clothes pre-all this. People get emotional when they notice that, I feel a bit sick every time I have to pull a little harder on my jeans to get them over my hips. But it’s a good thing, apparently. I should focus on the good thing and not the fact that my thighs now jiggle slightly when I walk now and I hate it.
What else? There has to be something else that I actually like about myself and could be deemed a positive.
I mean I love a lot of other things that aren’t to do with me. Like other people and material stuff and things. But when it comes to myself? I feel like I am running out.
I liked my hair. I’ve kind of ruined that with the whole not eating properly and I don’t really know if I will ever get it back even if I do continue to get ‘better’. It was shiny though and long and thick. It was good. And I ruined it…even if I try to focus on the good I can’t ignore the fact that I messed myself up. And I ruined my great hair. That wasn’t remotely positive, I am fairly certain that even if it was a positive thing you can’t really love something that doesn’t technically exist anymore can you?
I should think of something positive, something I like…
Oh, I like my height. In fact it might be the only thing that I have ever liked and never stopped liking even when everything got really bad. I like the fact that it was the first thing that people would notice about me before they noticed that they could effectively see my entire skeleton. I like that people were jealous of it. They probably still are jealous if it I guess but I don’t notice that anymore because they are still always staring at my bones. I guess that’s fine though, as I keep getting bigger then I will stop the stares and people will notice the height again.
I feel like there should be more. Are there people out there that can do this easily? Am I that broken that I can’t think of that many things to love about myself? All I can list is the hair I no longer have and the height that is mainly genetic.
No, wait. The resilience thing. That’s important. I am that.
I can fight this and win. I can get the great hair back and not feel sick every time I have suck in my stomach just a tad to get the button done up on my jeans and buy my old dress size in clothes. I can do this.
I can win. That’s a positive.
I have enough belief in myself to know that I can win.
Find me here: