Letters to Autumn, My Life

Letters to Autumn: The 2016 Edition 10

Dear Autumn,

Alarms appear to be elusive to me.

More specifically the alarm that I have set for 5 days a week.

I honestly cannot tell you for how many days, weeks, months I have woken up before my alarm. Sometimes, like this morning, it is a mere few minutes which although annoying is fine. 20 minutes here or there is doable.

However most of the time it’s upwards of an hour. I turn over and for some reason my eyes just slip open and then they blink to be fully awake and then I notice the level of light in my room and I know deep down in my soul that it is not going to be one of those time where it is a mere 15/20 minutes before my alarm decides to start blaring away at the silence.

It’s this annoying amount of time that while it is totally feasible to fall back into something of a deep sleep I won’t be able to because there is a part of me that is so paranoid that I am just going to conk back out again and then completely miss my alarm and be late for work and all that jazz. So I just sort of lie there with my eyes gently closed and just let the minutes tick away in a restless want-to-sleep-but-can’t fashion. Then without fail, just as I am actually about to drift the hell off again and fall the hell back asleep the alarm starts to ring and I spend about 30 seconds calculating just how much sleep I have actually had that night. It’s usually never more than 6.

And then I repeat the process Sunday night to Thursday night. And as the week goes on the time between my alarm and me actually waking up seems to increase. I have woken up at 5am once before after falling asleep at 1 and just could not go back to sleep and then I had to help pack an office up. That kind of task on any given day, especially a Friday, is taxing enough. Doing it on 4 hours sleep felt like a mountain climb to which there was no summit.

Then you take the alarm away and I still wake up at roughly the same time as I do during the week (aka 7:40), sometimes I even wake up at 9:30 in a mild panic that I’m late for work, but given that it’s the weekend I then just sort of roll over, bury my face in my duvet and fall back asleep for what I hope will be one more hour but then ends up being 2-3. I’d care more about spending most of my weekend mornings in bed if they weren’t the only thing keeping me sane during my sleepless week nights and if I wasn’t also more in my element getting shit done later in the day.

Any other alarm I seem to hit just fine. I set an alarm for 9 on Saturday slept straight through to it (and also have a dad who left it to the last possible moment before he woke me up so that I could make a train back to London, which coincided bang on with my alarm). I had to wake up at 6:30 twice last week, was dragged out of sleep by Night Owl. I set any kind of alarm at weekends or whenever else I need one, I have a night of uninterrupted sleep.

But that weekday morning 7:40am one seems to be one that I evade each and every single day without fail.

Love,

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