Letters to Autumn: The 2016 Edition 13

Dear Autumn,

The other day someone told me that I seemed to be a super good mood, which in itself was a weird comment to make because it came out of nowhere and was also the end of the day, so it kind of made no sense but I digress.

Anyway the point is, that it’s not exactly an inaccurate thing to notice. Generally speaking my mood has improved over the last few weeks and that is for the sole reason that at some point in those weeks a weight (that I kind of knew was there, but sort of just ignored for the worse…) has been lifted clean off my shoulders.

And with my insanely high, and borderline life crippingly, anxiety has drastically reduced. I no longer feel like I am on the brink of a panic attack about 5 times a day. Or feel like crying at the drop of a hat. It kind of felt a bit like I was a whole new person, which in itself is an elating feeling because the last time I felt that shit about absolutely everything was like 3 years ago now and I promised myself that I wouldn’t go back to that. And then to realise one day that I had somehow ended up right back there was in itself stressful as hell. So it was all just this dark bottomless pit of total shit that slowly bled it’s way into about 85% of my life. And it sucked.

And then the darkness just sort of slowly cleared up and everything just sort of felt better. But in my nature I am massively pessimistic person who just sort of got used to the feeling and so I was inherently suspicious of what was happening. I was kept basically just thinking, ‘well what goes up must come down’, but that hasn’t happened yet. And don’t get me wrong, I still think it must come down but I’m not weirdly wishing for it to anymore, which I realised is what I was doing before. I’m sort of just going to let it keep on going the way that it is and not be skeptical of it.

Because a world where I don’t have actual panic attacks in the middle of Shoreditch can’t be all that bad really can it?

Love,

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