What does “a fresh start” mean to you?
In a nutshell I think it is bullshit. You can’t just wake up one day and think ‘yes, this will be the day where nothing that I have done in the past will affect the way that I live my life from this point forwards.’
You just can’t.
It’s insane to think that there is some button that you can push or a switch that you can flick that is going to make everything different. Just like magic. Somehow you are reborn a new person with a new outlook and nothing is going to bring you down.
Is that a thing that people think can happen?
A thing that people buy into.
They honestly wake up one day and think ‘yes this will be a fresh start, it will all be fine’. They seem to have total faith in the fact that maybe when they wake up one day that they won’t remember that horrible thing that broke their heart a matter of hours ago. That they won’t remember every time they have had their heart broken. That they won’t remember every person who has ever screwed them over and how they let them do that. That they won’t remember every decision they ever made that had a negative impact on their life and had ripple effects on everything around them and still comes up in waves at the most unexpected of times. That they won’t remember when times got really hard and every ounce of strength has to be mustered from somewhere just to get through each second of the day.
Or rather, they will remember that. They always remember those times. The good times. The times where things were all going their way and it felt like you were on top of the world. They are always going to remember those times because somehow they get to be carried over to the ‘fresh start’. They probably won’t inform anything in the long run because the good times don’t necessarily help you all that much in the long run, in fact in some ways they are probably going to mock you when shit hits the fan. They are the things that should really be shed if you want a fresh start if you want to get really technical about it all.
You can probably always find good times, you can collect them like some people collect stamps. File them away for when they are needed most. But trying to pretend all the bad stuff didn’t happen seems crazy to me. That knowledge is always going to be useful, I don’t know why, even in theory, you would want to just attempt to erase that from your memory and pretend it never happened. Who is that helping?
No one is the answer to that.
A fresh start helps no-one. Not really anyway.
It creates a false sense of something and it’s dangerous. It just feels dangerous.
And I hate it as an idea. A kind of visceral hate that I can’t quite explain.
But fuck I need to buy into it right now. I need to wake up tomorrow and not have everything feel like this. I need to wake up tomorrow and feel like I can actually do something with my life again. I need to wake up tomorrow and believe that my past mistakes aren’t going to affect me now. I need to wake up tomorrow and start again.
Just start it all again.
And do it better.
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