I fell into a bad habit over the summer months, actually just the majority of the year so far, where I just had a lot dead time.
By that I just mean that I spend a lot time doing not an awful lot. And on the one hand sometimes that is needed. Sometimes you just gotta fall into a YouTube black hole and watch all the Seth Meyers videos you can find or become mildly obsessed with Whitney Simmons or Patricia Bright videos. But I got into the habit of doing that almost every single night after I got in for the day. I have between 2-3 hours from coming home and the time that I disappear into my room and switch off from screens for the day and those me-time hours have for the most part been spent like that. Which is super unproductive and kind of left me feeling a little bit shit.
It became this whole cycle of things and recently it’s really hit me just how much time I’m wasting. I spend 8 hours at work every day (and we’re not gonna go into that one) and then I spend 45 minutes after that working out (I’ve just realised that I currently do not do any hour long classes, in fact on my current schedule I only do one. Huh, interesting, they used to be mostly hour long classes. Tangent over) and then I have the hour commute home where sometimes I read, sometimes I do my brain training exercise for the day or I just stare into space for 30 minutes. And then I settle down for doing hours of mindless internet-ing.
I did a whole letter on this back in April and not much has really changed, rather sadly. I could say that I tried to change it, and in bursts I did, but I really didn’t and I know I didn’t. I just let it happen and now I’m having a moment about it all. I’m just wasting all this time doing nothing. I just think about all the things that I want to be doing but am not doing and I think I am trying to convince myself that it is because I’m tired or something. And to some degree I am, but I’m almost tired and I still get some shit done so that’s bullshit, plus those post-workout endorphins are real and by the time I get home I am really not all that tired, in fact I’m feeling kind of motivated by that point and I’m just letting all that energy channel into nothing.
The main reason that I want to become better organised and am slowly, but surely, making progress to that goal is because I want to dedicate more time to things that I love. I have made the effort to carve out an hour or so (turns out it’s less right now) 5 days a week and I’m better for it. My anxiety can still sky rocket like you would not believe in the middle of the day out of nowhere and I feel like I will always have to maintain the ability to bring myself off the brink of a panic attack in a work toiler, but I have that outlet now. An outlet that I make time and effort for. And I need to make a bigger effort to do other things. I need to literally write it down and hold myself accountable for it. It can be whatever the hell I want it to. Half an hour, 45 minutes, even 15 minutes. Just actively spending time on it, no matter how small will get me somewhere other than clicking on video after video of randomness.
Although I will always binge watch all the Closer Looks of the week, because that’s like educational, right?
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