Guilt is a strange thing right?
I have the week off work this week, which makes this my 3rd week off this year and officially the most amount of holiday I’ve ever taken in my two years (well just over) at my job. I actually managed to use up my allocated 25 days of holiday this year, admittedly I didn’t take an extended period of time off until August, meaning that I went two years exactly without taking longer than Christmas off (the anniversary of me starting work happened whilst I was in Greece), but I actually managed to reach my holiday allocation for the year. And it felt weird and I almost felt a bit guilty about it when I just disappeared for two weeks, for reasons that I honestly cannot understand. (Also let’s ignore that I do still have 9 days left of holiday that I probably won’t use this year and so they will carry over to next year…again).
I mean I am entitled to take time off work. And to be honest my job has evolved into something that it wasn’t when I started two years ago. Which is a good thing otherwise I would be bored out of my damn mind as I had almost nothing to do some days. But it also comes with a lot more responsibility and with that a lot more stress. And well, I don’t deal with stress very well. Or rather I didn’t deal with it very well. Because with the stress came increased levels of anxiety and look, I don’t need any more of that than I already have just going about my day to day life.
But there is a part of me that for some reason feels bad when I’m not there. I mean I get over it pretty quickly because I also make a point of disconnecting from it otherwise the whole holiday thing just becomes kind of pointless. If I’m gonna stress about work I might as well just be at work.
But then there are other places in my life where I feel weirdly guilty for not doing something or not being something that I feel like I should be able to. Like if I just do not feel in the mood to go out or whatever I feel guilty. Or if I just stop posting here. Or if I don’t pick up a book for a little while. Or when I don’t write anything for a while. I seem to be really good at causing guilt for myself.
And I’m trying to stop doing that so much. Feeling this unnecessary guilt because it’s kind of doing me no good. I have slowly started to realise this year that I cannot keep sitting on my mental health and act like it’s not a problem. And I’ve started with a couple of other things and so now the natural progression is to move away from feeling so bloody guilty all the time.
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