Letters to Autumn, My Life

Letters to Autumn 20

Dear Autumn,

In the depths of my anxiety ridden life earlier this year I tried all sorts of things to try and get my head back in the game. They all had varying degrees of success, and in the end the thing that helped me best was sitting down and getting together a coherent plan to help me deal with all these irritating thoughts that kept plaguing my mind and driving me mad.

The one that had the most success, at the time, was meditation. I’d kind of found that focusing in on my breathing during yoga helped me somewhat when I did for an hour a week but or some reason I kept it limited to that, because I had attempted meditation before when something similar happened 3/4 years ago and I found that I just could not shut my brain off. And even though the app I was using said that it was fine to let other thoughts in I found myself focusing so much on the fact that I was thinking when I was supposed to be just letting thoughts go that I stayed very much in my own head and the whole thing proved very fruitless.

However this time I was coming at it with the fact that I was managing to for, the most part, really focus in my breathing and the practice for an hour and week and it was helping a little to quiet the noise in my head and so I gave it another try.

And it helped me so much. Not enough to help me deal with the problem completely, but enough that I felt calm enough to be able to fall asleep which was pretty much all I had as being awake was exhausting me because my brain would not shut off and I was easily stressed out to the point of panic attacks at almost all points.

Then when I started to get better for whatever reason I fell out of the habit of taking 10 minutes out of my day to just breathe and focus in on myself and calm the hell down. And I really don’t know why.

I mean I have now created a good enough plan for myself for my day to day life that I have my anxiety mostly under control and when it’s not I can get it back under control relatively easily now. And they don’t involve meditation.

But I feel like they should.

For whatever reason I’ve dropped exercises that really focus in on the breathe in this current version of my exercise plan and although there is something kind of meditative about the other exercise that I do as I focus in on reps and proper form, it’s kind of not the same as doing something that is solely focused on it.

I found it so helpful and it did really help to calm my nerves and leave me feeling centred in a way that I do get post-workout, but not in the same way.

So starting from next month, when I feel like I am going to need to really focus on trying to stay calm in amidst attempting the insanity that is NaNo, I am going to introduce the daily practice back into my life. Don’t ask me why I’m not just starting from now, for some reason I feel like I need the significance of it being a fresh start and a fresh month…

Love,

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