Letters to Autumn, My Life

Letters to Autumn 24

Dear Autumn,

Confidence is a strange beast.

In that, sometimes I think I have it. And then sometimes I think I don’t. Most of the time I think I don’t.

Because most of the time I don’t.

It’s not something I have really possessed all that much.

I don’t even really know why.

It’s probably to do with the anxiety.

The anxiety fucks with me a lot to be honest.

I have moments where I’m like ‘fuck yeah, I can crush this’ but then that is quickly taken over by crippling self doubt and so that brief moment quickly passes and nothing really comes of it. And then I just repeat the cycle.

And then on the other hand, when I really think about it, my confidence is not as shit as it used to be. There are things that I do now without even thinking about anymore that if I actually do sit and think about it I would never have even thought about doing 2 years ago. Heck, there are some things that I wouldn’t have thought about doing at the beginning of this year that I do now.

So maybe I need to start giving myself a bit more credit.

It’s not massive amounts, but it’s enough. And I should really appreciate that, because it’s taken me so long to get to this point and I need to stop being so hard on myself. Because that’s probably part of the problem as well as to why I feel like I lack confidence in some other places.

I had a whole conversation with someone about this a few weeks ago and it’s apparently been playing on my mind since. Not in a big way, but clearly enough that I felt the need to bumble about it a bit today. Which hilariously isn’t a conversation I would have even entertained ever having before, but at the time I realised that it didn’t sound horrifying and so I went with it.

I just need to start giving myself a little more credit about things. I’m almost scared of doing that, which is a confidence thing. And oh look, here’s the cycle again.

Must do work on it.

I wore a pair of leggings that that had the word ‘confident’ on one of the legs and when I was wearing them I felt that way. And I want to feel like in other areas of my life. Not just when I’m clad in activewear about to get a serious sweat on…

Love,

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