Letters to Autumn, My Life

Letters to Autumn 27

Dear Autumn,

Anger’s a weird one.

I mean emotions in general are kind weird if you really think about them, but there is something about anger.

I feel like for the most part you can deal with the origin for some other emotions. And they make sense that you would feel them. And I get feeling angry, but like angry that you stubbed your toe. Or angry that your team’s defence is so shit right now (seriously Liverpool, sort it out).

But pure unadultered rage that you don’t really know what to do with and will not pass unless you shout, cry or punch something.

That shit is fucking weird.

It just seems to come out of nowhere and then sits with you.

I bring this up because last week I spend most of the day seething with rage. Like it seeped out of all my pores and most people kept a fair distance from me for that very reason. I just felt a level of anger that I haven’t felt in a very long time, or maybe ever. It was weird.

I mean I know what triggered it, but it something that has happened before multiple times and other than annoying me slightly I am kind of over at this point. But on this day, I just felt uncontrollable anger.

That I could not get rid of.

So it hit me at like 9am and then it just sat with me all day. And I could not get rid of it for the whole work day. I didn’t really talk to anyone unless it was necessary. I took a deep breath every time I had to answer the phone and tried to mask the anger out of my voice. I kept just getting up and moving away from my desk every hour and taking a couple of breaths so that I didn’t actually go insane.

I will be honest, it felt like I kind of broke a little bit.

I sweat it all out later that afternoon after work in the end. I just channelled it all into donkey kicks, squats and ab roll outs. It was 45 minutes when the only thing that I let myself focus on was the fucking burn in my glutes and abs. And it helped. I sweat it all out, got home, hugged my dog and then slept relatively well that night. It did me the world of good.

Turns out this letter was basically another ode to exercise but I got there in a roundabout way.

One I never really want to feel that kind of anger again, but two, it’s good to know that I have a healthy outlet to channel it into now.

Love,

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