My Life

Seriously

Hi, Hey, Hello!

I don’t know if it’s psychological or whatever, but every time the year starts to draw to a close I start to feel incredibly and completely drained. Of just everything. Having to b around people exhausts me. Having to be somewhat sociable exhausts me. Getting out of bed exhausts me. Just existing pretty much feels like the most exhausting thing in the world.

I got it a couple of years ago, I went from the stress and constant anxiety of being unemployed to having a job which changed my lazy lie ins to waking up before 8am five days a week. And then I didn’t really have longer than 5 days (including weekends) off from August through to the end of the year. Last year I kind of got it as well. Again, I hardly took any time off all year and certain aspects of my job changed massively and it became more of a responsibility. Oh and there were some other different job related stresses there as well.

But I kinda thought that I had already done this in 2017. I had a really rough time of it from about March through to about July, if not longer. It was exhausting. I was exhausted. I went on holiday this year and it was such a welcome relief it was almost tragic. That holiday was also the first time in 2 years that I took a truly extended amount of time off work. I didn’t come back of that holiday feeling totally 100 but I didn’t feel like I was just going through the motions and getting from point a to b either. And I thought the worst of it was over.

Then last week started and come Tuesday afternoon I felt like I collided straight into a steel wall that I hadn’t seen in front of me. Which was annoying because I thought I might get away with it this year. Because like I said, I’ve done this already this year. It was fucking tiring.

Another reason that I thought that I had gotten away with it is because the thing that I thought would fuck with me massively didn’t a month ago. And then these past few days the whole situation hit me and with it came all the emotions that I thought I had passed through. It felt like being doused with ice cold water.

And now I just kind of feel like I’m hanging about in slightly cold water that I either can’t get out of or just won’t warm up.Which is pretty shit. And has left me feeling at the end of my rope. Or rather I just want to climb into my bed and not get out of it except to eat. And even then I can eat in bed.

The timing of this is always great as well. I mean it’s not like December is known for being quiet or anything. I honestly had to tell someone the other day that I’ll let them know if I can go and be sociable at a later date because currently I’m running on empty and the thought of doing anything remotely social outside of having to be at work is exhausting me to just think about.

It’s my work’s Christmas party today and I mean I see most of these people 5 times a week for 8 hours a day, but I’ve had to mentally prepare myself for it since December started because it’s going to involve me actually having to appear to be okay.

And I mean I am okay. For the most part. I’ve been worst this year and in a strange backwards way that is keeping me going.

Because I’ve been through my version of a personal hell and made my way through it mostly fine and slightly stronger for it this year.

I have a week off soon and it’s the Christmas week so I mean it will come with alllll the food and none of the guilt (I’m joking, I don’t feel guilt about food, ain’t nobody got time for that). So I will have some time to rest and reset to a degree.

But that doesn’t mean that I’m still not a little bit annoyed that it’s happened again.

Am I the only one who always hits a wall in December?

Parentheses count: 1. See you tomorrow!

 

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