Demotivated

Hi, Hey, Hello!

I am writing this while currently still lying in bed at gone noon on a Saturday having woken up 40 minutes ago because a pulled muscle situation in my right arm meant that I could turn off my alarm for a much needed rest day so as to avoid making things worse. As it was I made this decision on Friday, but come the end of the day the pain that was really getting on my nerves when I had woken up and while I was sleeping had pretty much faded away. However better to be safe than sorry.

Oh, I’m also in the middle of a long weekend so I am allowing myself all the indulgences possible, and if waking up at 11:20 and getting a sweet 9 and a half hours sleep is what my entire being needed then so be it.

This also comes at the end of a week where I have been so unproductive it almost hurts. I am honestly slightly annoyed at myself with how unproductive I have been. I sat in the downstairs cafe of Waterstones Piccadilly last week and felt super pumped and creative and I intended on carrying that through when  I got home and surprise surprise. I did not. I then told myself that I was going to get some shit done on Sunday. I didn’t really, I mean I did a little and it’s something that I am excited to continue with but for the most part it was not all that productive, or at least not as productive as I would have liked.

Then came when I came home from work/working out. I would pop something on Netflix just to pass the time while I ate my dinner and then before I knew it I was watching multiple episodes of something and then it was time for me to be thinking about going to bed (side note, Godless is bloody fantastic and I strongly recommend that everybody watches it, it moved so slowly and quietly that it just slowly drew you into it and then BAM it was over).

This is now about the fifth time that I have attempted to write this post and it’s kind of only coming about because I didn’t want to get out of bed just yet and also because it’s the Saturday before the day it is supposed to post.

The problem is that over the past few weeks I have been feeling kind of demotivated. Partly because I am still getting into the swing of things at work and trying to manage my time better there because I have ended up with way more responsibility and in some ways more pressure and I am me so that’s all going really well (this also comes at a time where I’m beating myself up about something that I’ve already resolved…) and so I’m kind of mentally drained by the end of the day and all I want to do is just switch off and binge watch something. Which is a dangerous habit to get into and was the one that I was in before the new year turned around.

And I know on some level that the only way that I am going to turn that around is by actually doing the thing, but doing the thing is proving harder than I anticipated and I dunno, for some reason I am beating myself up things again because up until this week I had been really good at getting content written and done way before I had it scheduled to post but I came to the realisation the other day that most of my scheduled posts have now posted and I’m currently back to scrambling for posts and getting them written at the last minute and that in itself is demotivating for me because it just seems to serve as a reminder of the past me that I am trying to leave behind.

I think my main issue is that I am my own worse enemy and I will nitpick at almost everything that I do and see the bad in it because I am just so good at doing that. It’s one of the habits that I am trying to break and I need to remind myself that it isn’t going to happen overnight and I am insane to think that it might. So while I can rationally see that this little break might be what I need and not all is lost because honestly when I actually go to write something it comes pretty quickly to me (case in point, this post was started and completed in about 30 minutes give or take) the irrational part of me just laments over how it could have gotten done earlier and then I would have had more time to dedicate to other things. It’s borderline a nightmare.

Because while I am feeling kinda demotivated in an overall sense, which is mostly just due to the fact that I am tired and a little bit stressed, there is also quite a significant part of me that is feeling quite motivated and excited about things that I have brewing in my brain.

What I need to do is start getting a bit more discipline into things, which is one of my goals for the year I know, but we’re nearing the end of the month and I’ve done nothing really to even attempt to put most of them into motion yet, but that’s a different thing entirely. So I should really start doing that. I also need to do a bit of thinking about blog posts again because come Wednesday I got nothing…this is where the fun begins.

I am basically the embodiment of that January feeling that everyone seems to have right now, but I can already sense a change is coming within me so let’s see where that goes.

Parentheses count: 3. See you tomorrow!

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Sophie

Sophie, twenty-something, avid reader, writer, really good at watching whole seasons of TV shows in one weekend and using 10 words where 5 will do, overzealous user of the ellipsis and parentheses, starts too many sentences with ‘and’ and ‘so’, living in a continual state of Wanderlust.

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