Hi, Hey, Hello!
I feel like I came back quite heavy somewhat by accident in terms of the content of my posts and I’m kind of not sorry about it to be honest (see yesterday’s post as to why). I’ve mentioned on here before that the line for what I will and won’t talk about on this blog moves all the time and I moved the line in relation to this once (here) and then for whatever reason moved it back to never be crossed again.
But then recently something started to bug me and so the line inched slightly forward and now I’ve either pushed the line so far forward that I can no longer really see it, or just crossed the line and thought fuck it.
So, fuck it.
I’m not really in the habit of weighing myself all that much. There is not a scale in my house, there never really has been. When I was younger and at my Nana’s house for whatever reason she decided to make weighing me into a fun game. I never really understood what the number meant or really paid all that much attention to it when I was younger because I didn’t really think that much of it.
Then my grandparents left the country and so the scales left my life and for some reason that bothered me on some level. Because I just assumed that regularly weighing yourself was something that you had to do and I could no longer do it. Especially when it finally registered with me why you were supposed to pay attention to the number. You know to make sure that you were losing weight or that you were maintaining that ideal weight. Or whatever.
My point is that I no longer had a scale to reflect a number back at me to give me any indication of anything and so I had to do it by sight. I basically started thinking that I could tell whether I was at a ‘good enough’ weight by sight alone.
Here’s the problem with that.
I’m naturally kinda small. I mean I’m 5ft 10, but I am not broad at all. On the rare occasion people hug me they’re kinda horrified by the fact that there just appears to be a lot of bone.
Which for many years was exactly what I wanted. Like I said, I’m tall but I’m also kinda shy and that anxiety thing is no joke, so I wanted to be as small as possible. The only way I could think of to do that was to be as thin as possible. Whilst also not drawing attention to the fact that I was getting thinner to people around me, because that would have caused more problems then I could be bothered to deal with.
So I toed a real thin line and kind of let it all go to shit at weekends and when I was at uni and it was you know all…fine. I am fully aware that it actually really wasn’t, but whatever it’s where I was at. I’m not proud of it, but it was what it was. I lived my life like that. I’m not saying it was happily, but it was what I was doing and I spent a lot of time on my own so who the fuck noticed whether I was happy or not?
Then I decided to join and a gym and honestly I had no idea what I was doing but I just knew that it was something that I probably should be doing and so I was doing it. And the changing rooms at this gym had some scales and for some reason, probably that 8 year old girl in me, I felt compelled to stand on them. I don’t even really know what I was expecting, but I remember being surprised that it was in double digits. It was barely in double digits, but I was surprised by that. I was surprised that I had let it get to that. But that was probably because I was surrounded by a lot more people and they were somehow holding me accountable for something I guess. Plus I wasn’t really actively exercising all that much and therefore it meant that I was gaining weight and was somehow unaware of it.
Anyway, fast forward to just under a year ago now and my anxiety is fucking with me so much that I finally bother to attempt to seek help with it. Which is at a time when I’m finding exercise a sort of release but am keeping it low impact because I’m terrified of so many other things and am not sleeping and I’m still eating because being around people all the time means that they notice if you aren’t eating anymore (gotta be honest, that it a great way to keep things in tact, not ideal, but damn did it force me to regulate my eating habits a bit better) but I’m not really enjoying food all that much. And my mood is just not good for the most part. And everything is very much not okay. And I’m at my GP’s and she asks me to stand on a scale. And in my head I’m like, no I don’t wanna know what it is in case it’s more than it had been the last time I had dared to step on a scale in about October of 2016.
How I thought that was possible I don’t know.
Funnily enough I hadn’t gained weight. I had lost it. Which makes sense given that I was working out more but was not eating any more or less than I had been. But when you can burn 300-600 calories in a workout (with the exception of one which is under 200) then you are going to lose weight. I couldn’t tell you where I’ve lost it from in term of where on my body or anything but I can tell just by looking at myself these days that there needs to be more weight on my body then there currently is.
I’ve known that all year. I knew it before this year started to be honest, but I wasn’t quite willing to address it.
But strength training is really one of my goals this year. I want to get stronger physically and I currently do not feel like I can do that if I continue to lose weight that at this point I just do not have to lose.
Which means that I need to gain weight.
Which is where things get kind of tricky. In that I kind of don’t know who to do it. I haven’t sat down and truly thought it through. I made a start with the groundwork a few weeks ago, but then I got kind of scared of actually implementing anything and so therefore I didn’t. Yet.
But I have had a few conversations about this with a couple of people to try and get some ideas about ways to do it without actually dropping sessions, especially cardio ones.
And now we finally get around to what it was that sparked this whole post.
I was having this conversation with someone and then later someone else came up to me because they had overheard me while I was lamenting the fact that I do in all seriousness need to gain some weight (seriously when person 1 found out what I actually weighed they were damn that’s low, it’s 59kg if you want to know) and immediately decided to start telling me that I was being foolish and I couldn’t possibly want to gain weight when I was already so thin. This came from a person who I have heard talk many a time about the fact that they want to lose weight.
Don’t get me wrong. I am aware that I am thin. I am aware that what I physically look like is considered the ‘ideal’ and therefore I guess I’m lucky in that respect.
But that doesn’t mean that everything is hunky dory with me. Because it’s not.
My relationship with my weight is complicated as hell and kind of always has been and the fact that I’m even looking at it and being like, ‘yeah you need to gain weight’ is a huge step on this hike up a mammoth mountain for me. The fact that I could look at the weight that reflected back at me in May last year and be like ‘shit that is not good‘ (also, let’s ignore that we are now in April (although I wrote this in March) and I’ve only just truly acknowledged this fact for real over the past month or so…) is a big deal for me.
It may seem ridiculous to some people to be trying to go the other way and gain weight instead of losing it, but it’s what I honestly need to do for myself. And I also could not fathom why this person felt the need to comment anyway. I wasn’t having a conversation with them anyway. I have never injected into their conversations about how they want to lose weight. I am very much a you do you person. And then leave me to do me.
Because that’s all this is for. Me. I finally feel somewhat confident in my skin but I know that there is still room for me to feel better. And right now to do that it requires me to no longer be borderline underweight.
I’m breaking it down into small, manageable chunks but the overall aim is to get to 70kg or something. However for now I’m just aiming for 65kg. Which is where the problem kind of kicks in.
I’ve made some small changes to my diet, but honestly I eat a lot of food already. Or at least it feels like I do. And I try to make all the food I eat as useful as possible. And it is for the most part, but then I do things like burn 550 calories in 45 minutes on a Wednesday and I’m never gonna make that up with food.
In talking about this with someone we both established that my breakfast could do with being a little bit more. It’s currently toast and peanut butter which is an improvement from the granola that it was before the new year. But it should probably be more. The problem is breakfast and I have never really been very friendly to one another, the only reason I started eating it when I started working was because going from 8:30pm to 1pm the following day with no food stopped being possible and I found myself constantly snacking on junk. I needed the meal in the middle. And I’ve treated that meal as such ever since. Just something to get me through until lunch. Even on weekends, I just eat a protein bar before I work out and then go in on all the food post work out. And I’m probably not going to change that because workouts are the first thing I do on weekends, but on weekdays they aren’t. They’re the last thing I do and so breakfast has gotta change.
I should probably also change my snack game up a bit and finally nail down the lunch thing. I dunno, I feel like I need to get out of the habit of just aimlessly grazing from lunch onwards (there is some focus to it and I do try to keep them as healthy as possible) and then stopping dead at like 9. Or maybe not. I really currently do not know what the hell my approach to this is going to be. That’s partially what I am spending this week really trying to figure out.
I’m not expecting it to exactly be easy either because I am very aware that mentally I am going to find this kind of rough. Even just saying it feels hard. The thought of doing it is even worse. But it’s necessary.
And anyway this is the final piece of the puzzle anyway. I always knew this piece of it was coming and I’ve put it off for well over a year now. I just need to do it in a way that means I don’t become low key obsessed with food in a different way. So there will be tracking, no restrictions, nothing completely crazy. I’m not eliminating anything from my life that hasn’t already been cut (like, I hardly eat dairy, but I’m not subbing alternative milk into my daily flat whites and I’m not giving up ice cream, or cheese on pizza). In theory there shouldn’t be a huge amount of change. I should just be able to make small changes that means that gradually I can stop being clinically underweight and be an actual normal weight that I feel even more comfortable in.
And there’s my slight rant and intentions when it comes to my weight and where I am at in a general sense with it all. I both need and want to gain weight. And my current goal with it all is 65kg.
Parentheses count: 4. See you tomorrow!
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