Hi, Hey, Hello!
I am not a huge dreamer.
Both in the sleep dream sense and in the dreams/hopes for the future sense.
I don’t even really know why (about the latter).
Maybe because I don’t like to work in things that aren’t solid. Which is actually maybe the dumbest thing that I could actually say in the world because the thing that I want to do kind of exists solely in a realm that is both real but then also is not quite real.
I think ultimately what it boils down to is fear.
I’m kind of scared to dream.
Because dreams can fail and they can disappear and they can become something else. They are intangible. They are an unknown.
There is a very large part of my brain that does not like working in the unknown. It makes me sweaty. It makes me feel light headed and short of breath. It basically makes me just feel a lot of things that are all heading in the way of a panic attack and therefore I try and avoid them as much as possible. That seems like a healthy choice to make for yourself right?
But in some ways it also means that I just spend a lot of time in my comfort zone. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but sometimes it’s kind of limiting.
But it also feels safe.
It comes with almost no risk. And therefore almost no chance of me feeling overwhelmed as hell and running the risk of falling over some kind of ledge. Which I don’t think is a bad thing.
But it’s also not a good thing.
But the overall problem is that I just don’t want to pin any kind of hopes on a dream. Because there is a part of me that isn’t rational enough at this present moment in time to accept that dreams morph and change and become something else as time moves on and the goalposts change. It would feel to much like failure and the fall from that reality is hard and I don’t want to go through it.
I guess ultimately it comes from a place of damage control.
I have been slack with the personal damage control before and it felt really shitty when I fell down and I don’t particularly like the idea of going back there.
But I also know that deep down I have to go back to that almost place. I have to accept that sometimes I will fail and that it’s not actually the end of the world. It just sometimes feels like that. I need to acknowledge that I am for sure stronger than I think I am and if that turns out not to be true then I will find a new level to the strength that I have.
I need to stop being scared and letting my anxiety rule that part of my life, because it’s not really doing me any good and deep down I know that.
So that’s my current aim/goal/plan.
To starting actually dreaming properly in a way that actually means something slightly more legit then what I do currently. Which is to think the thought and then quickly dismiss it.
Parentheses count: 1. See you tomorrow!
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