Hi, Hey, Hello!
Today is R’s birthday, although we celebrated it yesterday with alcohol, karaoke and food.
Anyway, this is not about that.
It’s about me.
I hate celebrating anything. Literally anything related to me can just kind of crawl up into a corner and I will then quite happily forget about it. I don’t want anything to do with them.
It’s a little to do with the fact that I hate being under any kind of spotlight but honestly for the most part, it just all sends my anxiety up the damn wall.
It starts to feel like there is all this pressure on things when in actual fact there is not. And rationally I know this, but my anxiety is just like nah you won’t be able to enjoy this properly because you’re gonna feel low key a little bit shitty the entire time and it’s not going to live up to your expectations.
And usually it doesn’t. My graduation felt a little bit shit. My 21st birthday felt a little bit shit. My 18th felt a bit shit. I don’t remember my 16th. Finding out I got into uni felt anti climatic and then finishing each year did as well. All those big moments just felt a little bit shit because there was all this expectation for them and my brain liked to trick me into thinking that they didn’t live up to them.
Looking back though, uni excluded, they did. They were what I needed them to be at the time. And there is nothing wrong with that. Yes there were people around me who were having big hooplas for things but that was never going to work with me. I don’t like that shit.
This year I turned 25 and I had no plans. And it ended up being a great day for me. I ate pizza and cookie dough, I got last minute tickets to go and see Wicked. I got a Monday off work and got to spend time with R. It was what I wanted and needed it to be, and there were people who assumed that I would have some party or something, but I am so much more boring than that.
Keeping it chill and low key is my preferred option for anything always. One because for the most part my anxiety prefers it but also because it doesn’t put me solely as the focus. I have had to learn a lot of ways to deal with my anxiety to try and make it less all consuming and it’s been a lot of trail and error but I think I am slowly getting it down to something that I can manage more or less. It hasn’t taken over in a long while which I am considering a victory of sorts. And one of the ways to keep it in check is to keep it low key.
To trick it into thinking that something isn’t a special occasion and then just let it live its life quietly in the background. It works. And to be honest that is all I care about.
Parentheses count: 0. See you tomorrow!
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