It scratches at my skin at this point.
This one that I can’t quite get to.
Everything just feels a little bit displaced.
The colours of the world seem more muted. Dusty pinks and dull oranges. Nothing really stands out to me anymore.
The world might as well be in black and white right now for all that I can really feel and see of it.
Something just isn’t right anymore.
I could lie and say that I don’t know what the problem is, but I do.
I could feel it creeping in and threatening to take over my whole life for a while now.
Just hovering on the periphery waiting for the perfect moment to strike. If I really paid attention to it and allowed myself to acknowledge it then I probably could have avoided it happening.
But I didn’t.
I buried my head in the sand and just kind of let it make its slow approach into clouding over my life.
It’s always slow.
Until it’s not.
Until it’s just dark clouds that hang low and heavy over everything. That colour everything in something that feels slightly dirty. A dingy sepia tone that feels kind of comforting for a while and then feels exactly like it is.
It’s an episode.
I guess for some reason I was due one of those.
I was due one of those weeks where the pit of my stomach feels like it’s constantly tying and untying itself in knots. Where my vision gets kind of spotty and I start to feel lightheaded. It gets kind of hard to breathe sometimes. Like something is pushing down onto my chest. Or holding my ribcage in a vice grip. My hands get clammy and there always seems to be sweat just trickling down the groove of my spine. I get used to locking myself in the toilet and just trying not to cry. Or at the very least trying to make it look like I haven’t been crying.
I’ve learned a lot of tricks for that one.
I try to keep my hands to myself so that no-one else will notice that they are always slightly damp. Or notice that the skin around the nails has been completely torn to shreds.
I have my processes these days. The ones that have become a home away from home which is kind of sad the longer that I think about it and the longer this particular episode lasts. But is also kind of comforting to know that I have.
It makes the knowledge that the weather is going to take a turn a little easier.
I have my methods. I have the order in which I go through them all. Sometimes the order works and I can get through it quickly. Sometimes it doesn’t work and it feels like the dullness will never lift from the world.
I think I know the reason for this particular episode. Stemming from loneliness. The kind that will soon be over once I get home. Not the building that I will return to but the people that inhabit it.
The ones who make everything a bit more bearable again.
I can’t wait to get back so this itch can finally be scratched…
Find me here: