Love Me or Leave Me

At this point I don’t even know what to expect anymore.

That either the 2 colours that I do have will disappear or that I’ll wake up one day and everything will be in bright technicolour.

So far neither of these two things has happened and well now I don’t know what to do.

He doesn’t want me. That much is obvious.  At this point I would be insane to think that there is a future for us.

I’ve done a lot of research.

Mistakes can happen.

I think.

The evidence is inconclusive about it.

I guess it might be hard to understand the way the world works the way that it does. There doesn’t appear to be any reason to it. Why would there be. That would mean that this stuff makes sense. And it doesn’t.

Nothing about this makes any sense.

It never really has.

It didn’t make much sense when I was told about it in the most basic of terms and it doesn’t make much sense now that I supposedly living in it. In fact it makes less sense now. There are less explanations provided to me now that it is happening to me.

I’m supposed to just figure it all out now. On my own it would appear.

My mother won’t help me in this plight and I think that’s causing some tension in her marriage, to my father. Who is actually more receptive to the idea that his little girl has managed to ‘luck’ out and find her ‘one’, but still isn’t much help. He just hasn’t completely shut me out and I consider that a win. But there’s tension there now because they don’t know how to ‘deal’ with me. They haven’t known for almost half my life now. The thread between them gets thinner each year and I wonder if we can even get divorced. Is that a thing that we can do?

Can we just say ‘fuck you’ to the universe like that?

Are we are allowed to move on?

Does that affect things in any way?

Do the colours go away?

Do they stick around and the universe just kind of accepts that the two people that it thought were perfect for each other are just ignoring that? Just living their lives happily with other people? Can we do that?

Are we allowed to?

I need to know because at this point I think I am going to need a back up plan because mine doesn’t want me.

I’ve tried to be patient but it’s been years now and we have done pretty well at avoiding each other. I need to put him out of mind now. It’s been too long and he doesn’t want me.

I’ve made my peace with that and now I just want to move on from him now. But I can’t.

Because there are still two colours in my life. And they aren’t going anywhere. Which feels like a twisted joke. The universe is playing a joke on me and I don’t want to be the punchline anymore.

I want to be able to live freely. To fall in love with someone that wants to love me too. I want to experience things with them for the first time with them and learn what the colour purple is with them.

I’m not expecting much from him anymore. Or from anything anymore.

The colours won’t come and the colours won’t go. I’m just stuck here.

Not loved and not left.

Just here.

Main sign off


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Published by

Sophie

Sophie, twenty-something, avid reader, writer, really good at watching whole seasons of TV shows in one weekend and using 10 words where 5 will do, overzealous user of the ellipsis and parentheses, starts too many sentences with ‘and’ and ‘so’, living in a continual state of Wanderlust.

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