The shadow always seems to get bigger with each passing day at this rate, which is kind of unnerving to be honest. Because I didn’t really think that was actually possible anymore. I thought that they had reached their capacity. But apparently not.
There are just new things that they find to be proud of, even when what has actually happened if really not all that impressive in the grand scheme of things. They did well on a test. Or they got into another uni. I got into 5. All 5. Including THE two, which I only applied to because I felt this intense sense of pressure about it from them. Not that they knew it. I felt like I had to prove myself to them because otherwise what would be the point. They wouldn’t notice me otherwise if I didn’t shout about myself loud enough.
Not that they did when I got into them all anyway.
And not to be rude but I got into better unis than him anyway. Way better. You know like THE two. The one that everyone always seems to talk about at all times because they are the ultimate measure of success at the end of it all. But with him.
Every time that they declare that we need to have toast because another conditional offer came through or that we need to go and have a dinner and celebrate all the success I find myself wanting to just crawl into a corner and hide away from it all. I don’t need to celebrate that success it hasn’t happened yet. Or may never happen. I know him. Better than they do.
I know that he doesn’t even want to go beyond secondary school education but feels like he has to because of the pressure. I know that he wants to focus on other things. Feed the creative aspect of his interests. Just take a breath. Maybe finally recover from that football injury that he got nearly 10 years ago and has never really been able to get over because there is always someone needing him to complete their team because he’s just ‘the best’. I know that he can’t tell them that because if he does then they will either ignore him entirely or just stop talking to him. They really are either or.
They had one kid and loved her just fine. Then they had another and decided they couldn’t quite share the love between the two of them and so didn’t try. They focused all their time and energy on one of them and encouraged them to do everything that there heart desired and then when they found the thing that they enjoyed the most they encouraged that they stick with it. And they did. And they did everything they were supposed to do and even then they still knew that the attention was conditional.
It’s always conditional. It seems to work in the exact opposite to everything that you hear. And that’s the world that we grew up in. His shadow grows in size and overshadows me more and more each day but that means that I get to live just fine. I got to go the uni that I wanted and I get to do the job that I want and I get to basically be whoever the hell I want, which is mainly be his soundboard these days. I don’t mind all that much anymore.
It’s the least I can do.
Find me here: