My Life

The Fear

Hi, Hey, Hello!

(Can we ignore the title of this please, I kind of had nothing going for me and this was the working title that became the real title because I couldn’t be bothered to change it because it was arguably never going to get better than this one)

As I mentioned earlier this week I had a birthday. Kind of a big one, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Which I am kind of not, but then I had a weird moment where I started thinking about things and then I started thinking about what I have and haven’t done by now. Because 25 feels like an age when you’re supposed to have shit done by. Or at least it does when you’re younger and being 25 sounds like a distant distant number in the future and then all of a sudden it hits you and it’s like shit.

I don’t have my shit together.

Well, I kind of do, but I also really don’t.

I guess it’s all relative and the problem that I’ve had over the past few weeks, well actually since the year started, is that I’ve started comparing myself to other people around my age who seem to be doing waayyyy better than me.

Which is bullshit and I really need to level with you I hate myself for doing it because I know it proves almost nothing. Less than nothing.

But right now, I’m in that shitty headspace that I kind of always get into whenever I reach a somewhat milestone-esque birthday. 16. 18. 21. And now 25.

It’s just very easy to fall into that trap especially with social media these days. A lot of these people are around my age, maybe a little older, or younger, which is ya know worse.

And completely pointless.

But right now I am focusing on the negatives as opposed to the positives because they are just easier to focus on.

It’s dumb, but they are.

So here I am slowly trying to pull myself out of it and focus on the positives:

1) I have a degree. A good one. I got a 2.1. From a good university. It broke me a little bit. But I did it.

2) I moved away from home. It served mostly to prove to me that I am a Londoner through and through but it was 3 years (well 9 months each year) and I did it. I learned how to perfect like 5 meals that are still in my arsenal now.

3) I have a job. And have had one for nearly 2 and a half years now. It’s taught me a lot about myself. I’ve felt myself getting more confident over the course of past few years and that hasn’t gone unnoticed by the people that I work with

4) I can make a latte. Or a flat white. It’s maybe debatable as to what the definition of it really is. It involves frothy milk. It’s not very latte art heavy, but it’s decent. That may sound really menial but there it is.

5) This blog. It’s over 800 posts deep now and it was started on a whim because it was for a society at uni. I didn’t have to continue it, heck there wasn’t even really that much focus on it at the time, but it felt like something that might be important to me one day and it turns out to the case because here we are.

There are others as well, small things that all slowly amount to something in my life but don’t need to list here. That and this was either going to be 5 or 10 because that’s the kind of person that I am.

There are positives to things and even though I definitely do not have my shit together at 25 the way that I honestly thought would when I was younger, that’s okay.

I have enough of it together to actually be okay with it and there are places that I need to work on and I am very aware of that but, like, that’s my thing. I’m just having a wobble right now and my anxiety is super high. And I’m a pessimist at the best of times so as you can imagine it’s really fun. I feel like it’s part of what makes January a little bit shit is that there is something about feeling like you have to start a new year reassessing shit and that reassessing makes you realise some things.

Or it does for me anyway.

Anyway (again), the title of this post was dramatic. I most definitely do not have my shit together, or mostly don’t. But I have it way more together than I give myself credit for. And I end my ramblings.

Parentheses count: 3. See you tomorrow!


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