Changed for the Better?

Hi, Hey, Hello!

I got home the other night from the gym and whilst I was still slightly sticky with sweat and dressed in my leggings and sports bra, with my well worn (not too well worn) trainers on I realised something I ordered on a Sunday had arrived (this was on a Tuesday night).

I opened it excitedly and realised that I had two parents watching me wondering what the hell had got me so excited.

The package was from Free Soul. It was primarily bought for protein powder (vegan obviously, I’m serious about trying new ones beyond my reliable Neat Nutrition) but there was some other stuff in there as well. Other health stuff. Think Wake and Sleepy teas and Vitamins. And a steel shaker, which was also a pull when I chose to buy a bundle and not just the protein powder because it’s so slick that I fell a little bit in love with it.

Anyway, I opened the package (removed the free t-shirt) and then started brandishing my new long handled pink scoop with joy and when asked what was in it I replied ‘just protein powder and stuff’ and my mum said ‘that’s why you’re so excited, what’s happened to you?’ I didn’t say anything and just studied the contents of the vitamins in there to see if it would mess with what I already take and also because sarcasm would be the only way that I would respond.

But it got me thinking about change.

And how people accept or don’t accept change I guess.

It’s not the first time she’s made a comment like that this year as I delved into a quinoa, feta and avocado salad, only in that case she tacked on ‘although you did it a whole thing of chocolate fingers last night so I know my daughter is still here somewhere’ and I let that slide too. Because I don’t know how to respond to it.

It seems counter productive to something.

I don’t know to what, but on some level it just does.

It feels like I’m being held to a version of myself that was ultimately not necessarily 100% dealing with things very well and who had a really bad sweet tooth.

Yes, I ate a whole packet of chocolate fingers, but I felt like shit afterwards and kind of wished I hadn’t and eating the quinoa salad after some solid cardio felt good. I’ve been making small changes to my diet here and there and when I was on that low sugar thing it changed the way that my body reacted to it. I no longer have it in me to eat a whole back of to share M&Ms or a pack of chocolate digestives. I had a huge stack of pancakes yesterday and the sugar rush was real, it honestly almost made me feel sick (but worth it) and I felt kind of off for a little bit and then crashed in a way that I’ve kind of forgotten could actually happen to a person. And I’m not mad about it.

I’ve recently had to almost force, that’s a strong word, but it kind of goes against a large part of my mindset, myself to eat a bit more because with my increased level of exercise it meant that I was in a calorie deficit which I cannot afford to be in because I have no weight to lose on me. And I kind of also want to build muscle, and with that comes more food. And so basically I think about when I’m gonna eat next a lot right now. And it’s making a difference. It’s making me think more about the food that I am actually eating and the way that it’s gonna either fuel my workout or is gonna fuel me afterwards.

And a part of that is to do with protein powder. I currently work out 4 times a week (because that fifth one is a weight session and my wrists are taking it turn to be a bitch) and within half an hour I’ve necked a protein shake. So yeah, I’m gonna get excited when I’ve found a new one to try because I drink the thing so damn much and well it’s nice for it to be somewhat decent tasting.

And I’m not going to apologise for making the kind of changes in my life where I start to give a shit about protein powder. And I’m going to go back to the low sugar thing. And I’m going to get into a proper foam rolling routine because my legs are so heavy all the damn time these days. And I’m going to finally get back into Pilates because seriously I dropped into a crouch and the release in my hips was insane, plus I love me the stretch part at the end of each class and that’s kind of what Pilates is (also, it’s really not, that shit hurts and the burn is real).

And yeah I’m going to keep on changing. Because what the fuck is wrong with that? Me now is waayyyyyyy happier than I was 18 months ago even though my anxiety has also never been worse. It’s a balancing act. But whatever, it is what it is.

Parentheses count: 4. See you tomorrow!


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One Comment

  • Sophie

    Thanks for reading! I think on some level I could feel myself changing and growing and hearing it kind of made me take stock of the ways in which I had done etc. I had heard it from a few other people in a different context so it just sent me on a bit of a thinking spiral when it came from someone who’s been there

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