My Life


Hi, Hey, Hello!

I have tried to write this post like 3 times and each and every single time I have gotten like halfway through it and then just highlighted and deleted it.

Because I don’t even really know what I’m trying to say about it.

What I do know is that for some reason when this letter presented itself to me this word would not leave me alone. It’s like I thought it and the any other word that begins with B just went away. It’s like there were no others.

I guess I could try and trace it when I got hit by this idea.

I was in my boxing class and I threw a punch and I noticed actual muscle definition. And then in that same class I finally found myself actually jumping out in my burpees (I have a dodgy knee, jumping out in a burpee makes me nervous, it still does, I don’t always do it). I also then held a high plank for like a whole minute. And only felt like crying for the last 15 seconds.

And I started to realise that I need to get better at appreciating the little things.  And the little victories that my body can now do.

It can do cardio twice a week and it is hard don’t get me wrong, but it’s doable and I feel mostly really good about it as opposed to like I want to crawl into a corner and not deal with anything. It actually enjoys cardio these days where like a year ago I tried to avoid cardio like the damn plague.

It can lift now. And it can lift heavier than it used to be able to. I had a weird irrational fear when it came to weights but I conquered that and actually kind of really love it.

I both equally love and hate muscle soreness. Because it’s hella annoying for it to hurt whenever you go to sit down (especially when you work at a desk) and whenever you have to push yourself to stand up, but it also feels kinda good to know that your muscles are working properly and that there might be some kind of change going on in it.

I kinda like finding new weakness that I have and then working to make them stronger (I’m looking at you front racked squats and at a certain time of the month lunges). I kind of hate the fact that my shoulders insist on being tight as fuck and sometimes my hip flexors just do not know when to quit. My lower abs are always gonna be a tricky thing for me to target because my lower back just loves that hyper extension and also my legs are super long and therefore super difficult to control. At the moment. I’m working on it.

Everything is just basically a work in progress these days. And I didn’t even imagine that I would be that person but over the course of the past 18 months specifically I have been.

It’s become my safe place.

The place where I can just channel my emotions and energy of the day and let it go into endorphins. Where I can push myself and just when I think I can’t cope anymore I prove myself wrong and get through the reps. Where I actually quite like the burn sometimes and the huge heaves of oxygen that I have to take in order to get myself prepped for the next part. Where water is literally like elixir (and I pretty much only drink water and coffee on a day to day basis, mostly water).

I’ve come to really love those 45 minutes (for the most part now as I have ditched the only hour long class that I do for the time being) where I just push myself and shake off the energy of the working day. It really proves just how much the mind can play with you because it always thinks that the body doesn’t have it in you, but then the body always proves the mind wrong and there is something really rewarding about that.

Something rewarding about shutting that voice out and proving it wrong.

Something rewarding about looking at the situation of your life and realising that the anxiety that borderline ruined your life for a lot of last year, while not gone completely, is not sitting there at the base of your throat threatening to tear you apart every single minute of every single day anymore.

To look at things and know that just a few months ago you would have fallen apart but now it is easy to just take things in your stride and keep going. It’s never really all that deep. And finally being able to accept that is freeing.

And exercise has a lot to do with that. Pushing myself to what I think are my limits and then exceeding them has helped a lot with that. It’s helped me rationalise a lot more. It’s helped me remember that I am a lot stronger than I think I am in a better way than I have ever done so before and in a way that is actually proving itself to have long term benefits.

And the aesthetics part is just a bonus.

I finally feel truly comfortable in my skin and like I am looking at it in a rational way. I can appreciate it in all it’s ups and downs and I’ve talked about this a little bit before but that’s always been hard for me.

But it’s getting easier almost everyday.

And I’m feeling stronger everyday.

Which I’m loving.

Maybe that’s why this word wouldn’t leave me. A part of my brain wanted me to appreciate that.

(Also tiny update on the summer plans thing, last night I had to live and suffer through my decision to choose the shoulder track over the ab track because even though the shoulder one is a killer I hate the ab one and well…it’s the road to a sexy back…)

Parentheses count: 6. See you tomorrow!

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