Creative Writing,  My Writing

Breaking Your Own Heart


People talk about it as if it’s this abstract kind of concept that will happen one day at the hands of someone else. You know like someone will be handed a piece of your heart and then one day, if you’re unlucky, they will take that piece that they might have looked after quite carefully for a while and then they just let it fall onto the floor and have a good old stomp on it.

They present it as this thing that happens in the future and you know you can try and protect your heart and all but eventually someone is going to break it and your going to have pick up the broken pieces that were formed when said person decided to give it a kicking and then you go through the whole process again.

But what if it doesn’t happen at the hands of another?

Because at least then you don’t have to see the person who felt like it would be a fun little game to mess with your feelings. You can just sort of push them to the back of your mind and make them a footnote to your story. Yeah, they will always be a person who broke your heart but at least they aren’t around anymore.

What do you do when the person who breaks your heart the most is yourself?

When you have to wake up each and every single day and live with yourself. When you have to look at yourself in the mirror, even if it is by accident, every single day and know what you’ve done. To yourself. When you have to sit there every day and try to live your life and know that there is a part of you that is different. That is broken. That has been shattered to a point that you aren’t sure will ever be able to be healed. That feels like it can never be be glued back together day by day, second by second by yourself. By those closest to you.

It feels never ending.

It feels like there are glimpses of hope within yourself and then you take that away. It’s like for every step you take forward you then take a giant jump back. It’s a constant uphill battle that always feels like it is under construction and so no progress is ever being made. It’s a hard long slog and it never seems like it is going to get easier.

Everyone always says that it gets easier. That some day you wake up and realise that actually it doesn’t hurt so much anymore. Like you have finally let go of that part of yourself that was being crushed by someone else and you are healing. You have removed the power that that person had over you. Everyone says it gets easier, but they never seem to prepare you for the fact that it can come at your own hands.

Maybe they are all lucky enough to never have broken their hearts broken at their own hands. Maybe they don’t even think that it is a possibility so they don’t see why it’s a scenario that needs to be prepared for. Maybe they haven’t figured out how exactly you are supposed to deal with it and so they don’t give you any advice because it would all be based on speculation and that kind of advice might be the worse kind ever. Maybe you’ll never know.

Maybe one day it won’t hurt so much and feel so raw. Maybe it will heal someday. Maybe it won’t and it will keep breaking over and over again.

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