What’s In My Gym Bag?

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For whatever reason I’ve found myself drawn to the idea of doing this post for a while, and well you gotta follow those instincts sometimes.

I workout on the weekends now. I mean I have for months but they used to be afternoon classes, now they’re morning (kinda, Sunday is 12:45). This basically means that I have the rest of day to mooch around and I don’t wanna do that a sweaty, sweaty mess so as such I have acquired myself a weekend gym bag full of all the essentials.

Which is what will now come below:

Body Wash – Let’s just start with the basics. I am currently all about foaming body washes because they require less product, I don’t have to worry about them lathering properly and they work just fine with just my hands. I used to use a Nivea one, but my current one is a Dove one with argan oil and all that good stuff in it and that has quickly become my favourite. The only issue I have with these is that if for whatever I somehow drop them on the shower floor then the whole canister is fucked if it breaks. This happened to me with one that I had used a grand total of twice. The pain was real. But shout out to a Glamour magazine trial for introducing me to this total game changer of a gym bag staple

Face Wipes – I am a sweater. It’s gross. It literally drips off me sometimes, even in workouts that you don’t think are going to be that bad (this happened to me last night, it’s usually my least sweaty workout of the week, but it was weirdly really hard and hot yesterday and I was doing standing kickbacks watching the sweat fall off my face and drip into a puddle on the floor. All that oversharing to just basically say that following a workout where I still have the rest of the day to live I want to make sure that I don’t have sweat clogging my pores. I do my full morning skincare routine before I leave my house, but then I just clean it again with a face wipe to make sure that the sweat doesn’t do my skin so dirty. I’m currently using Garnier Micellar Oil ones, but to be honest I use any, but I do like these. They might get a repeat buy.

Moisturiser and Sun Screen – I just pop these in there after I’ve finished my full routine before I leave. To compensate for the fact I’ve cleaned my face and also because I’m all about that sun protection.

Deodorant – Duh. Again, I just chuck my day to day one in there. Still using Native (just about finished the Fig and Honey one, which I think I hated all things considered). Still not caring about the fact that in a relatively full changing I do have to rub any excess in to minimise the whiteness under my arms.

Leave-In Conditioner – This is a new addition because I continued to keep doing my hair dirty by just ignoring it for days. I talked about my fave new gym bag essential in this post here.

Body Lotion – Again, I talked about my current one in this post. It’s pretty much coming to an end, so I will replace it but currently I haven’t done that and so I will need to switch it out temporarily. Which I will do with a Frank’s Body one that I have just acquired. Which I have only used once so far and really like because it’s super thick and creamy and to be honest my skin desires that kind of hydration so hard after I’ve showered post-workout.

Protein Shake – So this is in my bag any time I work out because I am still trying to get on that gains train. Which means that obviously it would be in that weekend gym bag of mine.

Tiger Balm – Again this exists in my bag almost all the time because I got weak ass wrists and they hate me. This stuff does work wonders.

And that’s what is in my weekend gym bag.

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Squats

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Why, yes I have named a post after a fitness move. And there is a reason for it.

I’m doing a lot of squatting this year. I mean I do a lot of squatting because it’s a pretty great body weight exercise and also is good when you chuck weights in, it works a shit ton of muscles so I do them in almost every single session that I do during the week.

And then in my boredom I found myself in a YouTube vortex in I watched a video where a bunch of people did 100 squats every day for 30 days and it planted the seed in my head.

That I was going to do it. And well there are months that just have 30 days in them and so I waited until April and then found myself going in. For 3000 squats in a month.

Fitting them in for some reason was harder than I thought it would be and also I decided to make a real smart decision and make them independent from workouts, just because I won’t count them when I’m working out, I’m too focused on other things, like breathing properly. So on some days I did an awful lot of squatting. My legs were never quite recovered and my hip flexors (and then my right knee for a little bit) were always just  a little bit on the wrong side of tight, but I did them. There was a 5 day period where I had to do 110 each day because I missed 50 because I was at Harry Styles and I just missed a train and by the time I got home it was nearly 1am and I couldn’t be bothered. Which meant that for 5 days everything felt that little bit harder.

Can I also just say that I had no way of measuring whether this actually did anything, other than make some things a little bit tighter than normal. I have no idea what I looked like before in comparison to after. I don’t know if that as dumb or not.

I do know that come May 1st when I switched personal challenges for myself I found myself feeling weirdly at a loss when I didn’t find that I had to snatch a quick 10 squats in the middle of the day. It was weird. But apparently it takes 21 days to form a habit or something and I guess after 30 days I had formed a habit of sorts.

 

It was a habit that I have now broken because it broke me.

I didn’t really think about it at first, but then when I stopped doing it and just went back to my normal training weeks everything settled back to relative normality and it felt sooo good. Oh lord did I carry a lot of tension in my upper legs.

For some reason though when I finished doing this challenge I kind of fucked with the idea of doing it for every month with 30 days in. We are in a month with 30 days and I am not doing it. Partly because I forgot on the 1st. And then when I remembered I had already done a weights session and my legs felt so heavy. Then on the 2nd I went out and on the 3rd I had the full rest day that my body craved. And so it’s not happening. And to be honest, it probably won’t happen again.

I will tell you what the exercise was useful for. It helped me get better range of motion in squats. If I’m just using my bodyweight then I can almost go ass to grass now and it doesn’t feel like the worst. When they’re weighted the range of motion comes and goes especially when I’m front racked.

But seriously, never again.

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Representation

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This post is probably not gonna go in the direction that you think it will mainly because this whole topic is a clusterfuck and I am not about to try and unpick that tangled mess that it is in its entitreity. Or really at all. This is just a thing that is very personal to me and it relates to that lovely little category at the top of this post.

Fitness.

So let me set the scene.

All the way back in November 2016 I was looking for something that was going to be a bit more hardcore then just stretching (I was such a yoga and pilates girl once I phased spinning out of my life) and I decided to do something that was literally called Body by Frame.

I showed up to the class and when it started I discovered that the instructor kinda looked like me.

I had been kind of low key working out for about 8 months at that point and honestly I hardly ever saw anyone who wasn’t white anywhere. But whatever you kind of just get used that anyway, so to be honest as usual I didn’t really think all that much of it.

So it was confusing to me that I was surprised by this development as it always is when I’m confronted by someone who looks like me in a place where I’m just to being the exception and not the rule.

Anyway her class that night kicked my ass and also finally gave me the shake up that I needed. It was pure cardio. It made me move my body in a way that up until that point it hadn’t really done before. It created my love/hate relationship with squats. It planted the seed that is now this monster of a flower (but I love it).

The way her classes challenged me changed the game for me and I finally got the hype around exercise and how it can make you feel really good. I basically just really loved her and found myself drawn to classes which I saw she was teaching. It meant that I tried new things just because I knew that she would deliver a great class.

It may seem like a small thing, but it turns out that it was the thing that I needed because here I am. It became an accidental motivation for me to keep at it

It’s not that I needed to see someone who looked like me in order to keep exercising because at this point I’m used to there not being, but it turned out to be the thing that pushed me out of my comfort zone. And that in turn allowed me to push myself out of my comfort zone in other areas and it means that for the most part when it comes to exercise there aren’t a lot of things that I am not afraid to try at least once (unless it involves a treadmill and then I am all the way out).

It was just one of those things that some part of my brain needed to happen just so that it didn’t feel like it was a completely pointless battle for me (the use of the word battle there is maybe a tad aggressive…)

So yeah, that’s what’s to blame for all of this…

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Summer Plans

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So I reached this weird limbo point if that much wasn’t obvious as I tidy up some loose book review ends and before I embark on my next blog project which shall all be revealed on Thursday. And as such my posts are a tad more random than usual.

This weird limbo point also means that I required some inspiration from somewhere because I can’t just keep breaking glass for emergency tag post. That would annoy me for some reason, there are only so many I can do. And so once I had eliminated that from my arsenal I turned to writing prompts, more specifically I turned to the SITs Girls.

And they gave me this:

What are your plans for summer?

Now I have already been on holiday this year in the ‘Spring’ and I’m maybe due to go somewhere more UK based in October and so therefore there are no ‘summer holiday’ plans. In fact I have a whole load of no plans except a wedding.

So my summer is looking pretty uneventful as it were.

So what are my plans?

Bascially GAINZ

Okay, I kind of hate myself for that whole sentence on some level, but those are honestly my plans.

My barre class updated recently and I am just not feeling it. I’ve kinda been feeling like that since the beginning of the year when I had to switch my barre and lift class around due to scheduling. By Thursday my legs are kind of already burned out and they don’t really want to then be burned out even further and I feel like I am just not getting the best of it and I’m basically just running the risk of hurting myself or something. And we don’t want that.

And then when I was doing my now usual Sunday Lift class, which I actually don’t hate being on a Sunday as much as I thought I would, I came to the sudden realisation that my chest/bicep weight has not gone up since like October time. Don’t get me wrong, I have tried to push it up to 10kg, but when it comes to bicep curls my arms just die and cannot get through it. They can still barely manage 7.5kg by the end.

And I think it’s because for the most part I only do things that specifically train them once a week while I get everything else almost every time I work out. I mean I am sculpting my arms in some way when I box and there are arm tracks with some light weights in both barre and rebounding, but it’s not quite the same.

And well I’m kind of liking the slight tone and definition that my arms are slowly getting and I want to see more of it. And I also want to actually be able to make it through the whole chest and arms section with 10kg and not feel like my arms are going to fall off and realise in horror that there is still like 15 minutes left of the class and I don’t quite know if I have it in me.

The plan therefore is to switch up my current routine and up the number of weights sessions I do in a week from 1 to 2. Currently that means dropping Thursday and doing Friday because I also noticed that it’s my barbell strength that is shitty. If I have a kettlebell then I am actually fine. I think I’ve got to 12kg with a kettlebell no problem, but with an even distribution of weight on a long metal pole? I caps at being competent at 7.5kg.

It’s a weakness that I am looking to resolve or maybe not resolve but at least work on. Because it’s never going to get anywhere if I just ignore it and keep coasting where I am. Also if I work on getting my arms to lift a bit heavier it might also help me when it come to those pull and push up that I so desperately want to work on.

Basically my plans for the summer are pretty simple. They weirdly revolve around fitness because apparently I am that person now. I mean, I am not really making any huge differences, but I’m hoping this one switch for the next few months will make some kind of change to something. Maybe I’ll find out that the change is all mental and in fact I am actually capable of lifting heavier I just don’t think I am.

Time will tell.

And I’m giving it the summer to let me know.

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Body Talk 2.0

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I feel like I came back quite heavy somewhat by accident in terms of the content of my posts and I’m kind of not sorry about it to be honest (see yesterday’s post as to why). I’ve mentioned on here before that the line for what I will and won’t talk about on this blog moves all the time and I moved the line in relation to this once (here) and then for whatever reason moved it back to never be crossed again.

But then recently something started to bug me and so the line inched slightly forward and now I’ve either pushed the line so far forward that I can no longer really see it, or just crossed the line and thought fuck it.

So, fuck it.

I’m not really in the habit of weighing myself all that much. There is not a scale in my house, there never really has been. When I was younger and at my Nana’s house for whatever reason she decided to make weighing me into a fun game. I never really understood what the number meant or really paid all that much attention to it when I was younger because I didn’t really think that much of it.

Then my grandparents left the country and so the scales left my life and for some reason that bothered me on some level. Because I just assumed that regularly weighing yourself was something that you had to do and I could no longer do it. Especially when it finally registered with me why you were supposed to pay attention to the number. You know to make sure that you were losing weight or that you were maintaining that ideal weight. Or whatever.

My point is that I no longer had a scale to reflect a number back at me to give me any indication of anything and so I had to do it by sight. I basically started thinking that I could tell whether I was at a ‘good enough’ weight by sight alone.

Here’s the problem with that.

I’m naturally kinda small. I mean I’m 5ft 10, but I am not broad at all. On the rare occasion people hug me they’re kinda horrified by the fact that there just appears to be a lot of bone.

Which for many years was exactly what I wanted. Like I said, I’m tall but I’m also kinda shy and that anxiety thing is no joke, so I wanted to be as small as possible. The only way I could think of to do that was to be as thin as possible. Whilst also not drawing attention to the fact that I was getting thinner to people around me, because that would have caused more problems then I could be bothered to deal with.

So I toed a real thin line and kind of let it all go to shit at weekends and when I was at uni and it was you know all…fine. I am fully aware that it actually really wasn’t, but whatever it’s where I was at. I’m not proud of it, but it was what it was. I lived my life like that. I’m not saying it was happily, but it was what I was doing and I spent a lot of time on my own so who the fuck noticed whether I was happy or not?

Then I decided to join and a gym and honestly I had no idea what I was doing but I just knew that it was something that I probably should be doing and so I was doing it. And the changing rooms at this gym had some scales and for some reason, probably that 8 year old girl in me, I felt compelled to stand on them. I don’t even really know what I was expecting, but I remember being surprised that it was in double digits. It was barely in double digits, but I was surprised by that. I was surprised that I had let it get to that. But that was probably because I was surrounded by a lot more people and they were somehow holding me accountable for something I guess. Plus I wasn’t really actively exercising all that much and therefore it meant that I was gaining weight and was somehow unaware of it.

Anyway, fast forward to just under a year ago now and my anxiety is fucking with me so much that I finally bother to attempt to seek help with it. Which is at a time when I’m finding exercise a sort of release but am keeping it low impact because I’m terrified of so many other things and am not sleeping and I’m still eating because being around people all the time means that they notice if you aren’t eating anymore (gotta be honest, that it a great way to keep things in tact, not ideal, but damn did it force me to regulate my eating habits a bit better) but I’m not really enjoying food all that much. And my mood is just not good for the most part. And everything is very much not okay. And I’m at my GP’s and she asks me to stand on a scale. And in my head I’m like, no I don’t wanna know what it is in case it’s more than it had been the last time I had dared to step on a scale in about October of 2016.

How I thought that was possible I don’t know.

Funnily enough I hadn’t gained weight. I had lost it. Which makes sense given that I was working out more but was not eating any more or less than I had been. But when you can burn 300-600 calories in a workout (with the exception of one which is under 200) then you are going to lose weight. I couldn’t tell you where I’ve lost it from in term of where on my body or anything but I can tell just by looking at myself these days that there needs to be more weight on my body then there currently is.

I’ve known that all year. I knew it before this year started to be honest, but I wasn’t quite willing to address it.

But strength training is really one of my goals this year. I want to get stronger physically and I currently do not feel like I can do that if I continue to lose weight that at this point I just do not have to lose.

Which means that I need to gain weight.

Which is where things get kind of tricky. In that I kind of don’t know who to do it. I haven’t sat down and truly thought it through. I made a start with the groundwork a few weeks ago, but then I got kind of scared of actually implementing anything and so therefore I didn’t. Yet.

But I have had a few conversations about this with a couple of people to try and get some ideas about ways to do it without actually dropping sessions, especially cardio ones.

And now we finally get around to what it was that sparked this whole post.

I was having this conversation with someone and then later someone else came up to me because they had overheard me while I was lamenting the fact that I do in all seriousness need to gain some weight (seriously when person 1 found out what I actually weighed they were damn that’s low, it’s 59kg if you want to know) and immediately decided to start telling me that I was being foolish and I couldn’t possibly want to gain weight when I was already so thin. This came from a person who I have heard talk many a time about the fact that they want to lose weight.

Don’t get me wrong. I am aware that I am thin. I am aware that what I physically look like is considered the ‘ideal’ and therefore I guess I’m lucky in that respect.

But that doesn’t mean that everything is hunky dory with me. Because it’s not.

My relationship with my weight is complicated as hell and kind of always has been and the fact that I’m even looking at it and being like, ‘yeah you need to gain weight’ is a huge step on this hike up a mammoth mountain for me. The fact that I could look at the weight that reflected back at me in May last year and be like ‘shit that is not good‘ (also, let’s ignore that we are now in April (although I wrote this in March) and I’ve only just truly acknowledged this fact for real over the past month or so…) is a big deal for me.

It may seem ridiculous to some people to be trying to go the other way and gain weight instead of losing it, but it’s what I honestly need to do for myself. And I also could not fathom why this person felt the need to comment anyway. I wasn’t having a conversation with them anyway. I have never injected into their conversations about how they want to lose weight. I am very much a you do you person. And then leave me to do me.

Because that’s all this is for. Me. I finally feel somewhat confident in my skin but I know that there is still room for me to feel better. And right now to do that it requires me to no longer be borderline underweight.

I’m breaking it down into small, manageable chunks but the overall aim is to get to 70kg or something. However for now I’m just aiming for 65kg. Which is where the problem kind of kicks in.

Diet.

I’ve made some small changes to my diet, but honestly I eat a lot of food already. Or at least it feels like I do. And I try to make all the food I eat as useful as possible. And it is for the most part, but then I do things like burn 550 calories in 45 minutes on a Wednesday and I’m never gonna make that up with food.

In talking about this with someone we both established that my breakfast could do with being a little bit more. It’s currently toast and peanut butter which is an improvement from the granola that it was before the new year. But it should probably be more. The problem is breakfast and I have never really been very friendly to one another, the only reason I started eating it when I started working was because going from 8:30pm to 1pm the following day with no food stopped being possible and I found myself constantly snacking on junk. I needed the meal in the middle. And I’ve treated that meal as such ever since. Just something to get me through until lunch. Even on weekends, I just eat a protein bar before I work out and then go in on all the food post work out. And I’m probably not going to change that because workouts are the first thing I do on weekends, but on weekdays they aren’t. They’re the last thing I do and so breakfast has gotta change.

I should probably also change my snack game up a bit and finally nail down the lunch thing. I dunno, I feel like I need to get out of the habit of just aimlessly grazing from lunch onwards (there is some focus to it and I do try to keep them as healthy as possible) and then stopping dead at like 9. Or maybe not. I really currently do not know what the hell my approach to this is going to be. That’s partially what I am spending this week really trying to figure out.

I’m not expecting it to exactly be easy either because I am very aware that mentally I am going to find this kind of rough. Even just saying it feels hard. The thought of doing it is  even worse. But it’s necessary.

And anyway this is the final piece of the puzzle anyway. I always knew this piece of it was coming and I’ve put it off for well over a year now. I just need to do it in a way that means I don’t become low key obsessed with food in a different way. So there will be tracking, no restrictions, nothing completely crazy. I’m not eliminating anything from my life that hasn’t already been cut (like, I hardly eat dairy, but I’m not subbing alternative milk into my daily flat whites and I’m not giving up ice cream, or cheese on pizza). In theory there shouldn’t be a huge amount of change. I should just be able to make small changes that means that gradually I can stop being clinically underweight and be an actual normal weight that I feel even more comfortable in.

And there’s my slight rant and intentions when it comes to my weight and where I am at in a general sense with it all. I both need and want to gain weight. And my current goal with it all is 65kg.

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Comparison

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I’m talking about fitness stuff again, it got its own category this year for a reason.

Anyway, this year I decided that I was going to try and focus wayyyy more on quality of movement then getting more reps in. I will not really compromise on where I get my workout in one because it’s working and two because it makes me work way harder when I have to focus on that 45 minutes (or an hour) and won’t get distracted, so shoutout to Frame for that.

But back to the point, quality over quantity is where I’m at right now. There is no point in doing a shit ton of squats if I’m not doing them properly and if I try to do a lot of reps I just let form go out of the window and that makes it pointless. I have long ass legs, it takes a while for me to get into a proper squat and then push back up, I can’t do that quickly. And so I’ve stopped doing that. And it has made a difference. Same goes for my lunges, I mean come through two 90 degree angles in my legs and glute engagement on the way back up. All this means that in a class environment where people are keeping up with the instructor and I’m doing one squat/lunge for everyone else’s two it makes it really easy to get in my own head and start comparing myself to everyone around me and how I must not be working hard enough.

Except that’s bullshit. I’m 5ft 10 and like I said I’ve got long legs (37 inches) they do not move as quickly as everyone else who are all what would be considered a relatively average height for a woman, and so the best I can do is what works best for me and moving slowly but properly is what works best for me. And it’s something that I am slowly trying to become more content with, moving at my own pace while everyone around me seems to be going a lot quicker.

But I’m not there yet and there is something in my head that is always looking around at the other people in the class wondering what they are doing (and in some cases wondering if they are feeling as much of a burn as I am, I went to barre on Thursday night and for the first time in the year that I have been doing barre my legs reached a shaky point where I almost physically could not hold it up behind me and pulse. The shake was real. As was the burn. I was not alone. Thankfully) and then comparing what I am doing to them.

But I am getting better at ignoring that voice in my head that is basically telling me that I’m shit and that I should quit will I’m so clearly behind. The realisation of this truly became apparent a few weeks back when I was finally getting my ass to a Lift class because my body felt like it was finally up for it again.

And in said class there was a pregnant woman. Who was lifting wayyyyy heavier than me. And there was a part of my brain that was like, ‘well why are you even trying?’ but for the most part I cold shut it up and just be like, ‘well that’s where she’s at with this, and this is where you’re at.’ I had weight trained properly once (maybe twice, I can’t actually remember) this year at that point. I had also not done it for a while over Christmas and all that. I was effectively starting from square one again (I mean not quite, because my weights stayed the same as they were prior to my little break and they felt fine (I talked about here) and overall I knew that I had to be kind to myself.

The revelation that I could actively stop myself from comparing myself to others in that moment felt monumental. I had really shitty mental health year last year where I spent more time beating myself up about almost everything then I did giving myself credit for the things that I managed to deal with quite well. And there is still remnants of that in existence in my brain but because it adapted to everything else to the point where it has now become second nature it’s now apparently decided that it wants to turn on me in other ways.

And well, it hadn’t turned on me when it came to exercise and body image yet (well it had, but again I’ve already been there and done that, I guess with exercise entering the equation I’ve changed the game) and so it is slowly starting to do that.

But here’s the great thing about exercise for me. It’s my time to just fully disconnect and sweat it out. And feel really fucking good about it. I work out for me and all the rest of it is just a bonus (like the muscles, hello baby biceps and abs) and it’s really freeing to go into it with that attitude and to not worry so much about what other people are doing. This is about them. It’s about me.

So it’s really freeing to know that that element of comparison is slowly leaving my life and I’m becoming much more comfortable and confident with who I am as a person.

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The Diet

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This way lies fitness chat of sorts.

This week I decided to track what I ate during the day for the whole week just to get an idea of it all. Not because I was looking to start counting calories or because I was looking to get restrictive and super controlled with my eating, but mainly just out of curiosity.

I have learnt one thing so far that for some reason I didn’t really ever take note of. My eating habits are really damn repetitive. With the exception of dinner and the fact that I had something sweet after dinner on Monday (strawberries), I have eaten the exact same thing all week. For three whole days. There is no variation in my day to day (actually I tell a small lie, Tuesday and Wednesday I added a protein shake). It changes with dinner and even then I’ve had rice and chicken 2 out of 3 days just dressed up a bit differently.

This week has also given me a vague idea of my macros. My protein is fine and considered to be within range, but I need to switch my fats and carbs around. The balance between those two is only marginally out, which I didn’t know and well apparently that is useful to know for me.

The reason that I’ve done this this week is because all the exercise in the world isn’t going to fix a poor diet. Now mine isn’t awful, but there are definitely areas that I know I could improve with it. Like the fruit and veg part of it, I still hover at 2/3 a day and sometimes it’s really bad and I only have one (and that one is an avocado because I am nothing if not basic) and so putting it down onto paper (an app) really highlights the weak points.

I’ve also done it because I’m gonna be real, I have no more weight to lose if I want to be a healthy weight for my height. I’ve stripped it down to the lowest it could possibly be without it getting it super dangerous (again). I’ve also done all this unintentionally. Although I don’t really know what else I expected given that I upped the exercise I do with no real changes to my diet. I imagine for a while I was in a MASSIVE calorie deficit. I’m still in one now. And I need to not be in one.

I’m trying to build muscle now, that’s a shift that I’ve had in my mindset when it comes to this healthy lifestyle of mine this past couple of weeks. And for that to happen I need to not be in a deficit. I’m not here to cut. I’ve accidentally done that already and now I need to put some weight back on. And get lean and toned and there are ways that I can achieve that through exercise, but at this point the key to this change is going to be diet.

This little exercise has also proven one how far I’ve come within myself regarding my attitude to my diet and weight etc and also just how easy I would find it to fall back into some really bad habits. I’ve tracked my food before and it made me feel worse about myself and that way lay madness that I just sort of fell into with little to no regard. I didn’t try to make any changes and it got worse and then it all went tits up until I came out the other side (of not being in uni or unemployed anymore, turns out spending time with people who will actually notice whether to not you do or don’t eat sort of makes you try a bit more).

But this time I don’t look at it and think shit I’ve eaten so much I need to restrict or shit I’ve not eaten enough I need to binge to get some energy into me. I just look at it and think, okay this is where we’re at. I need more carbs, more protein and slightly less fat (I think the balance of that is mostly healthy fats by the way, so even then it’s not super catastrophic). Currently I have no idea how I’m going to do that, but that’s one of the reasons why I embarked on this exercise. To figure it out.

I can’t get anywhere with this aspect of things without actually knowing what the reality of it is. And the reality isn’t awful. I knew it wouldn’t be awful. But there is still a part of me that spent months/years borderline obsession over this and so looking at it again kind of scared me. But the best part about the way that regular exercise has changed my mindset is that if I’m burning so many damn calories/energy then I am going to need to fuel that and food does that. And I fucking love food.

To not be mildly terrified (and also act like I’m fine with it which can get kind of exhausting) of food is surprisingly really fucking good.

The various pieces of the puzzle that is the healthy lifestyle are slowly starting to fit together and I am feeling pretty damn good for it.

Side note, I am in no way restricting any part of my diet because that is long and naattt good and also cake exists and why would I want to do that? And also for the most part I’m not tracking this beyond Sunday, but that may change (I kind of doubt that know if I know myself the way I know I do…)

Parentheses count: 9. See you tomorrow!

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