Representation

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This post is probably not gonna go in the direction that you think it will mainly because this whole topic is a clusterfuck and I am not about to try and unpick that tangled mess that it is in its entitreity. Or really at all. This is just a thing that is very personal to me and it relates to that lovely little category at the top of this post.

Fitness.

So let me set the scene.

All the way back in November 2016 I was looking for something that was going to be a bit more hardcore then just stretching (I was such a yoga and pilates girl once I phased spinning out of my life) and I decided to do something that was literally called Body by Frame.

I showed up to the class and when it started I discovered that the instructor kinda looked like me.

I had been kind of low key working out for about 8 months at that point and honestly I hardly ever saw anyone who wasn’t white anywhere. But whatever you kind of just get used that anyway, so to be honest as usual I didn’t really think all that much of it.

So it was confusing to me that I was surprised by this development as it always is when I’m confronted by someone who looks like me in a place where I’m just to being the exception and not the rule.

Anyway her class that night kicked my ass and also finally gave me the shake up that I needed. It was pure cardio. It made me move my body in a way that up until that point it hadn’t really done before. It created my love/hate relationship with squats. It planted the seed that is now this monster of a flower (but I love it).

The way her classes challenged me changed the game for me and I finally got the hype around exercise and how it can make you feel really good. I basically just really loved her and found myself drawn to classes which I saw she was teaching. It meant that I tried new things just because I knew that she would deliver a great class.

It may seem like a small thing, but it turns out that it was the thing that I needed because here I am. It became an accidental motivation for me to keep at it

It’s not that I needed to see someone who looked like me in order to keep exercising because at this point I’m used to there not being, but it turned out to be the thing that pushed me out of my comfort zone. And that in turn allowed me to push myself out of my comfort zone in other areas and it means that for the most part when it comes to exercise there aren’t a lot of things that I am not afraid to try at least once (unless it involves a treadmill and then I am all the way out).

It was just one of those things that some part of my brain needed to happen just so that it didn’t feel like it was a completely pointless battle for me (the use of the word battle there is maybe a tad aggressive…)

So yeah, that’s what’s to blame for all of this…

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Summer Plans

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So I reached this weird limbo point if that much wasn’t obvious as I tidy up some loose book review ends and before I embark on my next blog project which shall all be revealed on Thursday. And as such my posts are a tad more random than usual.

This weird limbo point also means that I required some inspiration from somewhere because I can’t just keep breaking glass for emergency tag post. That would annoy me for some reason, there are only so many I can do. And so once I had eliminated that from my arsenal I turned to writing prompts, more specifically I turned to the SITs Girls.

And they gave me this:

What are your plans for summer?

Now I have already been on holiday this year in the ‘Spring’ and I’m maybe due to go somewhere more UK based in October and so therefore there are no ‘summer holiday’ plans. In fact I have a whole load of no plans except a wedding.

So my summer is looking pretty uneventful as it were.

So what are my plans?

Bascially GAINZ

Okay, I kind of hate myself for that whole sentence on some level, but those are honestly my plans.

My barre class updated recently and I am just not feeling it. I’ve kinda been feeling like that since the beginning of the year when I hate to switch my barre and lift class around due to scheduling. By Thursday my legs are kind of already burned out and they don’t really want to then be burned out even further and I feel like I am just not getting the best of it and I’m basically just running the risk of hurting myself or something. And we don’t want that.

And then when I was doing my now usual Sunday Lift class, which I actually don’t hate being on a Sunday as much as I thought I would, I came to the sudden realisation that my chest/bicep weight has not gone up since like October time. Don’t get me wrong, I have tried to push it up to 10kg, but when it comes to bicep curls my arms just die and cannot get through it. They can still barely manage 7.5kg by the end.

And I think it’s because for the most part I only do things that specifically train them once a week while I get everything else almost every time I work out. I mean I am sculpting my arms in some way when I box and there are arm tracks with some light weights in both barre and rebounding, but it’s not quite the same.

And well I’m kind of liking the slight tone and definition that my arms are slowly getting and I want to see more of it. And I also want to actually be able to make it through the whole chest and arms section with 10kg and not feel like my arms are going to fall off and realise in horror that there is still like 15 minutes left of the class and I don’t quite know if I have it in me.

The plan therefore is to switch up my current routine and up the number of weights sessions I do in a week from 1 to 2. Currently that means dropping Thursday and do Friday because I also noticed that it’s my barbell strength that is shitty. If I have a kettlebell then I am actually fine. I think I’ve got to 12kg with a kettlebell no problem, but with an even distribution of weight on a long metal pole? It caps at being competent at 7.5kg.

It’s a weakness that I am looking to resolve or maybe not resolve but at least work on. Because it’s never going to get anywhere if I just ignore it and keep coasting where I am. Also if I work on getting my arms to lift a bit heavier it might also help me when it come to those pull and push up that I so desperately want to work on.

Basically my plans for the summer are pretty simple. They weirdly revolve around fitness because apparently I am that person now. I mean, I am not really making any huge differences, but I’m hoping this one switch for the next few months will make some kind of change to something. Maybe I’ll find out that the change is all mental and in fact I am actually capable of lifting heavier I just don’t think I am.

Time will tell.

And I’m giving it the summer to let me know.

Parentheses count: 0. See you tomorrow!

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Body Talk 2.0

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I feel like I came back quite heavy somewhat by accident in terms of the content of my posts and I’m kind of not sorry about it to be honest (see yesterday’s post as to why). I’ve mentioned on here before that the line for what I will and won’t talk about on this blog moves all the time and I moved the line in relation to this once (here) and then for whatever reason moved it back to never be crossed again.

But then recently something started to bug me and so the line inched slightly forward and now I’ve either pushed the line so far forward that I can no longer really see it, or just crossed the line and thought fuck it.

So, fuck it.

I’m not really in the habit of weighing myself all that much. There is not a scale in my house, there never really has been. When I was younger and at my Nana’s house for whatever reason she decided to make weighing me into a fun game. I never really understood what the number meant or really paid all that much attention to it when I was younger because I didn’t really think that much of it.

Then my grandparents left the country and so the scales left my life and for some reason that bothered me on some level. Because I just assumed that regularly weighing yourself was something that you had to do and I could no longer do it. Especially when it finally registered with me why you were supposed to pay attention to the number. You know to make sure that you were losing weight or that you were maintaining that ideal weight. Or whatever.

My point is that I no longer had a scale to reflect a number back at me to give me any indication of anything and so I had to do it by sight. I basically started thinking that I could tell whether I was at a ‘good enough’ weight by sight alone.

Here’s the problem with that.

I’m naturally kinda small. I mean I’m 5ft 10, but I am not broad at all. On the rare occasion people hug me they’re kinda horrified by the fact that there just appears to be a lot of bone.

Which for many years was exactly what I wanted. Like I said, I’m tall but I’m also kinda shy and that anxiety thing is no joke, so I wanted to be as small as possible. The only way I could think of to do that was to be as thin as possible. Whilst also not drawing attention to the fact that I was getting thinner to people around me, because that would have caused more problems then I could be bothered to deal with.

So I toed a real thin line and kind of let it all go to shit at weekends and when I was at uni and it was you know all…fine. I am fully aware that it actually really wasn’t, but whatever it’s where I was at. I’m not proud of it, but it was what it was. I lived my life like that. I’m not saying it was happily, but it was what I was doing and I spent a lot of time on my own so who the fuck noticed whether I was happy or not?

Then I decided to join and a gym and honestly I had no idea what I was doing but I just knew that it was something that I probably should be doing and so I was doing it. And the changing rooms at this gym had some scales and for some reason, probably that 8 year old girl in me, I felt compelled to stand on them. I don’t even really know what I was expecting, but I remember being surprised that it was in double digits. It was barely in double digits, but I was surprised by that. I was surprised that I had let it get to that. But that was probably because I was surrounded by a lot more people and they were somehow holding me accountable for something I guess. Plus I wasn’t really actively exercising all that much and therefore it meant that I was gaining weight and was somehow unaware of it.

Anyway, fast forward to just under a year ago now and my anxiety is fucking with me so much that I finally bother to attempt to seek help with it. Which is at a time when I’m finding exercise a sort of release but am keeping it low impact because I’m terrified of so many other things and am not sleeping and I’m still eating because being around people all the time means that they notice if you aren’t eating anymore (gotta be honest, that it a great way to keep things in tact, not ideal, but damn did it force me to regulate my eating habits a bit better) but I’m not really enjoying food all that much. And my mood is just not good for the most part. And everything is very much not okay. And I’m at my GP’s and she asks me to stand on a scale. And in my head I’m like, no I don’t wanna know what it is in case it’s more than it had been the last time I had dared to step on a scale in about October of 2016.

How I thought that was possible I don’t know.

Funnily enough I hadn’t gained weight. I had lost it. Which makes sense given that I was working out more but was not eating any more or less than I had been. But when you can burn 300-600 calories in a workout (with the exception of one which is under 200) then you are going to lose weight. I couldn’t tell you where I’ve lost it from in term of where on my body or anything but I can tell just by looking at myself these days that there needs to be more weight on my body then there currently is.

I’ve known that all year. I knew it before this year started to be honest, but I wasn’t quite willing to address it.

But strength training is really one of my goals this year. I want to get stronger physically and I currently do not feel like I can do that if I continue to lose weight that at this point I just do not have to lose.

Which means that I need to gain weight.

Which is where things get kind of tricky. In that I kind of don’t know who to do it. I haven’t sat down and truly thought it through. I made a start with the groundwork a few weeks ago, but then I got kind of scared of actually implementing anything and so therefore I didn’t. Yet.

But I have had a few conversations about this with a couple of people to try and get some ideas about ways to do it without actually dropping sessions, especially cardio ones.

And now we finally get around to what it was that sparked this whole post.

I was having this conversation with someone and then later someone else came up to me because they had overheard me while I was lamenting the fact that I do in all seriousness need to gain some weight (seriously when person 1 found out what I actually weighed they were damn that’s low, it’s 59kg if you want to know) and immediately decided to start telling me that I was being foolish and I couldn’t possibly want to gain weight when I was already so thin. This came from a person who I have heard talk many a time about the fact that they want to lose weight.

Don’t get me wrong. I am aware that I am thin. I am aware that what I physically look like is considered the ‘ideal’ and therefore I guess I’m lucky in that respect.

But that doesn’t mean that everything is hunky dory with me. Because it’s not.

My relationship with my weight is complicated as hell and kind of always has been and the fact that I’m even looking at it and being like, ‘yeah you need to gain weight’ is a huge step on this hike up a mammoth mountain for me. The fact that I could look at the weight that reflected back at me in May last year and be like ‘shit that is not good‘ (also, let’s ignore that we are now in April (although I wrote this in March) and I’ve only just truly acknowledged this fact for real over the past month or so…) is a big deal for me.

It may seem ridiculous to some people to be trying to go the other way and gain weight instead of losing it, but it’s what I honestly need to do for myself. And I also could not fathom why this person felt the need to comment anyway. I wasn’t having a conversation with them anyway. I have never injected into their conversations about how they want to lose weight. I am very much a you do you person. And then leave me to do me.

Because that’s all this is for. Me. I finally feel somewhat confident in my skin but I know that there is still room for me to feel better. And right now to do that it requires me to no longer be borderline underweight.

I’m breaking it down into small, manageable chunks but the overall aim is to get to 70kg or something. However for now I’m just aiming for 65kg. Which is where the problem kind of kicks in.

Diet.

I’ve made some small changes to my diet, but honestly I eat a lot of food already. Or at least it feels like I do. And I try to make all the food I eat as useful as possible. And it is for the most part, but then I do things like burn 550 calories in 45 minutes on a Wednesday and I’m never gonna make that up with food.

In talking about this with someone we both established that my breakfast could do with being a little bit more. It’s currently toast and peanut butter which is an improvement from the granola that it was before the new year. But it should probably be more. The problem is breakfast and I have never really been very friendly to one another, the only reason I started eating it when I started working was because going from 8:30pm to 1pm the following day with no food stopped being possible and I found myself constantly snacking on junk. I needed the meal in the middle. And I’ve treated that meal as such ever since. Just something to get me through until lunch. Even on weekends, I just eat a protein bar before I work out and then go in on all the food post work out. And I’m probably not going to change that because workouts are the first thing I do on weekends, but on weekdays they aren’t. They’re the last thing I do and so breakfast has gotta change.

I should probably also change my snack game up a bit and finally nail down the lunch thing. I dunno, I feel like I need to get out of the habit of just aimlessly grazing from lunch onwards (there is some focus to it and I do try to keep them as healthy as possible) and then stopping dead at like 9. Or maybe not. I really currently do not know what the hell my approach to this is going to be. That’s partially what I am spending this week really trying to figure out.

I’m not expecting it to exactly be easy either because I am very aware that mentally I am going to find this kind of rough. Even just saying it feels hard. The thought of doing it is  even worse. But it’s necessary.

And anyway this is the final piece of the puzzle anyway. I always knew this piece of it was coming and I’ve put it off for well over a year now. I just need to do it in a way that means I don’t become low key obsessed with food in a different way. So there will be tracking, no restrictions, nothing completely crazy. I’m not eliminating anything from my life that hasn’t already been cut (like, I hardly eat dairy, but I’m not subbing alternative milk into my daily flat whites and I’m not giving up ice cream, or cheese on pizza). In theory there shouldn’t be a huge amount of change. I should just be able to make small changes that means that gradually I can stop being clinically underweight and be an actual normal weight that I feel even more comfortable in.

And there’s my slight rant and intentions when it comes to my weight and where I am at in a general sense with it all. I both need and want to gain weight. And my current goal with it all is 65kg.

Parentheses count: 4. See you tomorrow!

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Comparison

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I’m talking about fitness stuff again, it got its own category this year for a reason.

Anyway, this year I decided that I was going to try and focus wayyyy more on quality of movement then getting more reps in. I will not really compromise on where I get my workout in one because it’s working and two because it makes me work way harder when I have to focus on that 45 minutes (or an hour) and won’t get distracted, so shoutout to Frame for that.

But back to the point, quality over quantity is where I’m at right now. There is no point in doing a shit ton of squats if I’m not doing them properly and if I try to do a lot of reps I just let form go out of the window and that makes it pointless. I have long ass legs, it takes a while for me to get into a proper squat and then push back up, I can’t do that quickly. And so I’ve stopped doing that. And it has made a difference. Same goes for my lunges, I mean come through two 90 degree angles in my legs and glute engagement on the way back up. All this means that in a class environment where people are keeping up with the instructor and I’m doing one squat/lunge for everyone else’s two it makes it really easy to get in my own head and start comparing myself to everyone around me and how I must not be working hard enough.

Except that’s bullshit. I’m 5ft 10 and like I said I’ve got long legs (37 inches) they do not move as quickly as everyone else who are all what would be considered a relatively average height for a woman, and so the best I can do is what works best for me and moving slowly but properly is what works best for me. And it’s something that I am slowly trying to become more content with, moving at my own pace while everyone around me seems to be going a lot quicker.

But I’m not there yet and there is something in my head that is always looking around at the other people in the class wondering what they are doing (and in some cases wondering if they are feeling as much of a burn as I am, I went to barre on Thursday night and for the first time in the year that I have been doing barre my legs reached a shaky point where I almost physically could not hold it up behind me and pulse. The shake was real. As was the burn. I was not alone. Thankfully) and then comparing what I am doing to them.

But I am getting better at ignoring that voice in my head that is basically telling me that I’m shit and that I should quit will I’m so clearly behind. The realisation of this truly became apparent a few weeks back when I was finally getting my ass to a Lift class because my body felt like it was finally up for it again.

And in said class there was a pregnant woman. Who was lifting wayyyyy heavier than me. And there was a part of my brain that was like, ‘well why are you even trying?’ but for the most part I cold shut it up and just be like, ‘well that’s where she’s at with this, and this is where you’re at.’ I had weight trained properly once (maybe twice, I can’t actually remember) this year at that point. I had also not done it for a while over Christmas and all that. I was effectively starting from square one again (I mean not quite, because my weights stayed the same as they were prior to my little break and they felt fine (I talked about here) and overall I knew that I had to be kind to myself.

The revelation that I could actively stop myself from comparing myself to others in that moment felt monumental. I had really shitty mental health year last year where I spent more time beating myself up about almost everything then I did giving myself credit for the things that I managed to deal with quite well. And there is still remnants of that in existence in my brain but because it adapted to everything else to the point where it has now become second nature it’s now apparently decided that it wants to turn on me in other ways.

And well, it hadn’t turned on me when it came to exercise and body image yet (well it had, but again I’ve already been there and done that, I guess with exercise entering the equation I’ve changed the game) and so it is slowly starting to do that.

But here’s the great thing about exercise for me. It’s my time to just fully disconnect and sweat it out. And feel really fucking good about it. I work out for me and all the rest of it is just a bonus (like the muscles, hello baby biceps and abs) and it’s really freeing to go into it with that attitude and to not worry so much about what other people are doing. This is about them. It’s about me.

So it’s really freeing to know that that element of comparison is slowly leaving my life and I’m becoming much more comfortable and confident with who I am as a person.

Parentheses count: 6. See you tomorrow!

 

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The Diet

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This way lies fitness chat of sorts.

This week I decided to track what I ate during the day for the whole week just to get an idea of it all. Not because I was looking to start counting calories or because I was looking to get restrictive and super controlled with my eating, but mainly just out of curiosity.

I have learnt one thing so far that for some reason I didn’t really ever take note of. My eating habits are really damn repetitive. With the exception of dinner and the fact that I had something sweet after dinner on Monday (strawberries), I have eaten the exact same thing all week. For three whole days. There is no variation in my day to day (actually I tell a small lie, Tuesday and Wednesday I added a protein shake). It changes with dinner and even then I’ve had rice and chicken 2 out of 3 days just dressed up a bit differently.

This week has also given me a vague idea of my macros. My protein is fine and considered to be within range, but I need to switch my fats and carbs around. The balance between those two is only marginally out, which I didn’t know and well apparently that is useful to know for me.

The reason that I’ve done this this week is because all the exercise in the world isn’t going to fix a poor diet. Now mine isn’t awful, but there are definitely areas that I know I could improve with it. Like the fruit and veg part of it, I still hover at 2/3 a day and sometimes it’s really bad and I only have one (and that one is an avocado because I am nothing if not basic) and so putting it down onto paper (an app) really highlights the weak points.

I’ve also done it because I’m gonna be real, I have no more weight to lose if I want to be a healthy weight for my height. I’ve stripped it down to the lowest it could possibly be without it getting it super dangerous (again). I’ve also done all this unintentionally. Although I don’t really know what else I expected given that I upped the exercise I do with no real changes to my diet. I imagine for a while I was in a MASSIVE calorie deficit. I’m still in one now. And I need to not be in one.

I’m trying to build muscle now, that’s a shift that I’ve had in my mindset when it comes to this healthy lifestyle of mine this past couple of weeks. And for that to happen I need to not be in a deficit. I’m not here to cut. I’ve accidentally done that already and now I need to put some weight back on. And get lean and toned and there are ways that I can achieve that through exercise, but at this point the key to this change is going to be diet.

This little exercise has also proven one how far I’ve come within myself regarding my attitude to my diet and weight etc and also just how easy I would find it to fall back into some really bad habits. I’ve tracked my food before and it made me feel worse about myself and that way lay madness that I just sort of fell into with little to no regard. I didn’t try to make any changes and it got worse and then it all went tits up until I came out the other side (of not being in uni or unemployed anymore, turns out spending time with people who will actually notice whether to not you do or don’t eat sort of makes you try a bit more).

But this time I don’t look at it and think shit I’ve eaten so much I need to restrict or shit I’ve not eaten enough I need to binge to get some energy into me. I just look at it and think, okay this is where we’re at. I need more carbs, more protein and slightly less fat (I think the balance of that is mostly healthy fats by the way, so even then it’s not super catastrophic). Currently I have no idea how I’m going to do that, but that’s one of the reasons why I embarked on this exercise. To figure it out.

I can’t get anywhere with this aspect of things without actually knowing what the reality of it is. And the reality isn’t awful. I knew it wouldn’t be awful. But there is still a part of me that spent months/years borderline obsession over this and so looking at it again kind of scared me. But the best part about the way that regular exercise has changed my mindset is that if I’m burning so many damn calories/energy then I am going to need to fuel that and food does that. And I fucking love food.

To not be mildly terrified (and also act like I’m fine with it which can get kind of exhausting) of food is surprisingly really fucking good.

The various pieces of the puzzle that is the healthy lifestyle are slowly starting to fit together and I am feeling pretty damn good for it.

Side note, I am in no way restricting any part of my diet because that is long and naattt good and also cake exists and why would I want to do that? And also for the most part I’m not tracking this beyond Sunday, but that may change (I kind of doubt that know if I know myself the way I know I do…)

Parentheses count: 9. See you tomorrow!

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Changed for the Better?

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I got home the other night from the gym and whilst I was still slightly sticky with sweat and dressed in my leggings and sports bra, with my well worn (not too well worn) trainers on I realised something I ordered on a Sunday had arrived (this was on a Tuesday night).

I opened it excitedly and realised that I had two parents watching me wondering what the hell had got me so excited.

The package was from Free Soul. It was primarily bought for protein powder (vegan obviously, I’m serious about trying new ones beyond my reliable Neat Nutrition) but there was some other stuff in there as well. Other health stuff. Think Wake and Sleepy teas and Vitamins. And a steel shaker, which was also a pull when I chose to buy a bundle and not just the protein powder because it’s so slick that I fell a little bit in love with it.

Anyway, I opened the package (removed the free t-shirt) and then started brandishing my new long handled pink scoop with joy and when asked what was in it I replied ‘just protein powder and stuff’ and my mum said ‘that’s why you’re so excited, what’s happened to you?’ I didn’t say anything and just studied the contents of the vitamins in there to see if it would mess with what I already take and also because sarcasm would be the only way that I would respond.

But it got me thinking about change.

And how people accept or don’t accept change I guess.

It’s not the first time she’s made a comment like that this year as I delved into a quinoa, feta and avocado salad, only in that case she tacked on ‘although you did it a whole thing of chocolate fingers last night so I know my daughter is still here somewhere’ and I let that slide too. Because I don’t know how to respond to it.

It seems counter productive to something.

I don’t know to what, but on some level it just does.

It feels like I’m being held to a version of myself that was ultimately not necessarily 100% dealing with things very well and who had a really bad sweet tooth.

Yes, I ate a whole packet of chocolate fingers, but I felt like shit afterwards and kind of wished I hadn’t and eating the quinoa salad after some solid cardio felt good. I’ve been making small changes to my diet here and there and when I was on that low sugar thing it changed the way that my body reacted to it. I no longer have it in me to eat a whole back of to share M&Ms or a pack of chocolate digestives. I had a huge stack of pancakes yesterday and the sugar rush was real, it honestly almost made me feel sick (but worth it) and I felt kind of off for a little bit and then crashed in a way that I’ve kind of forgotten could actually happen to a person. And I’m not mad about it.

I’ve recently had to almost force, that’s a strong word, but it kind of goes against a large part of my mindset, myself to eat a bit more because with my increased level of exercise it meant that I was in a calorie deficit which I cannot afford to be in because I have no weight to lose on me. And I kind of also want to build muscle, and with that comes more food. And so basically I think about when I’m gonna eat next a lot right now. And it’s making a difference. It’s making me think more about the food that I am actually eating and the way that it’s gonna either fuel my workout or is gonna fuel me afterwards.

And a part of that is to do with protein powder. I currently work out 4 times a week (because that fifth one is a weight session and my wrists are taking it turn to be a bitch) and within half an hour I’ve necked a protein shake. So yeah, I’m gonna get excited when I’ve found a new one to try because I drink the thing so damn much and well it’s nice for it to be somewhat decent tasting.

And I’m not going to apologise for making the kind of changes in my life where I start to give a shit about protein powder. And I’m going to go back to the low sugar thing. And I’m going to get into a proper foam rolling routine because my legs are so heavy all the damn time these days. And I’m going to finally get back into Pilates because seriously I dropped into a crouch and the release in my hips was insane, plus I love me the stretch part at the end of each class and that’s kind of what Pilates is (also, it’s really not, that shit hurts and the burn is real).

And yeah I’m going to keep on changing. Because what the fuck is wrong with that? Me now is waayyyyyyy happier than I was 18 months ago even though my anxiety has also never been worse. It’s a balancing act. But whatever, it is what it is.

Parentheses count: 4. See you tomorrow!

 

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Here’s The Thing

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Honestly, there are two half written posts in the Notes section of my phone that I can’t quite finish because the words won’t do what I want them to and so this one came to me on a bit of whim as I sat on my sofa on Sunday afternoon watching The Little Mermaid and feeling a little bit bleurgh and a lot achey.

I feel achey because I finally got back into a Lift class after two weeks away which means it’s been 3 weeks since I did any weight training. And it somehow without me really knowing it taught me something. And something that I hear an awful lot but kind of never really truly think is actually the case. In fact that’s been the case of the whole week.

My body is actually way more capable of doing things than my mind gives it credit for.

It started on Thursday (it actually kind of started with some planks on both Tuesday and Wednesday but they are always a minefield and I know I can hold one for 60 seconds at most, that gets me through them at all times) in barre when we moved on to doing single leg stuff with a weight on the left ankle. The right side had already been done and it burned but that weight remained around my ankle. When it came to the left side after about 10 reps by right glute had all but given up and then the instructor was like take the weight off if it already hurts. And my brain was like ‘yes do that, it will make everything easier’. Except for one part of it which was like ‘ummmmm no, that is not going to be a good balance, keep the damn weight on’. And well I did. And I got through it and then enjoyed my blessed rest day on Friday.

The same thing then happened yesterday.

I knew I hadn’t lifted in a few weeks (I had thought about just not going again a little out of fear, but feel the fear and do it anyway and all that jazz) and I was feeling kind of tired and I’d heard rumours about the new release for this class being savage, which was confirmed when while we set up the instructor (her name is Alice, she ruined me twice last week and I kind of love her for it) was like ‘yeah, it’s killer. It came with a couple of things that I hadn’t done before and well my mind was like ‘you’re insane to think that you can lift where you were 3 weeks ago.’

I ignored that voice, realised that my body still knew how to do a deadlift properly and could figure out the single deadlift with little issue. My knees didn’t give up on me. And look, my clean and presses felt stronger yesterday then they have for a while because my technique for them has come a really long way (on a different note, I found out on Saturday that the instructor for that class (who I love) also thinks that I’m decent enough to be used as a point of reference if need be for a class…which is a little mind blowing).

Yeah, it was hard and there were things that I didn’t quite nail because my shoulders just aren’t that mobile (I’ve mentioned that before I think, about my tight shoulders that I didn’t know I had until I started working out) so there was some things that really burned and they will not do shit while I’m at a 45 degree angle. Yet. I also really need to work on my lunges and try and get my one legged balance back (although that shit is not consistent, sometimes my left leg can’t take the balance, sometimes it’s my right, yesterday it was my right) and I’m trying to get my squats lower, but I find squats hard when they’re not weighted, adding 13kg (not quite I realised the other day) makes them harder funnily enough.

I also need to work a little bit on the placement of that damn barbell on my neck/shoulders, it’s fine for the most part but I have a really fucking bony spine and so if it’s off even slightly then things aren’t ideal. I may need to invest in some kind of padding for the barbell and see what that does.

But this week in general I have decided that I am going to focus waaayyyyy more on quality of movement and try to get that all nailed.

And then when I go back to this class I am going to try and add an overhead press in the final track from a certain move, because I’m not going up in weight (yet) and I can’t see my squats getting any deeper when it’s my 5th workout of the week and my legs have been worked. Although that will be my next mission once I’ve got the overhead press thing under control. And then I’ll deal with the going up on weight thing.

I was weirdly more nervous to get back to this class now then I was when I first went into it for reasons that I do not know. I think just because I had got it to a point where I could kind of manage it and then I had to take some time away from it and there is kind of some weird worry that you’ve forgotten how to do it and will undo all the work that you had done. That’s obviously not the case.

And I left the class shaking but ultimately feeling great. Which is all you can ask for from a workout sometimes.

Parentheses count: 8. See you tomorrow!

 

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