My Life


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I was originally gonna do something like write a letter to my past or future self for this particular prompt, but I’ve done both of those things a couple of time before and I when I started really thinking about it I realised that I don’t really have anything else to say about to either of those versions of myself that I haven’t said already and so it therefore meant that I was kind of at a loss.

Those letters that I have written to myself in the past have been hugely helpful for me in processing my own thoughts and feelings about myself and what I felt about myself and it allowed me to see progress in myself that I had never really stopped to think about before and it was then that I finally accepted that there had been progress in this whole messy thing called life. When I realised that there had been progress it felt like a weight had been lifted and I couldn’t take it for granted.

But then I did. I got complacent and thought that if I had already hit a rock bottom of sorts then I wasn’t going to do it again. I was so wrong that it was almost funny. Except for the fact that it wasn’t. It was actually kind of tragic and I didn’t have what turned out to be a advantage that I was at uni. I was at work. I had to be a person 5 days a week. I had to make it through each work day when every single one task I had to do felt like an uphill battle. Looking back at it now a year later I can see that that was actually an advantage in some ways because it meant that I couldn’t wallow. I had to try and be okay and that in some ways saved me a lot this time. I needed the distraction and I became weirdly thankful that it came at a time when I was employed and had such a distraction an also a time when I was confident enough in my ability to actually do my job and get it done properly even though it as a clusterfuck of a nightmare in my head. If had happened at any other time in the two years prior to that then I probably would have lost it completely. But I didn’t and that feels like a win.

It still feels like a win.

Every time I feel myself having a wobble and know that I have gotten through worse before it feels like a win. A win that I never take for granted. Especially when I find myself being reflective which I was when I wrote letters to my past self.

The future ones are always a little bit more interesting just because I can only look at it from a place of hope. Which is nigh on impossible when the one and only time I wrote a letter to my future self I was not necessarily in the best place. I mean it contained a lot of things that I do wish for myself, but they came from a very fake place. They came from a place of what I thought I should want for myself. Full of half truths. Things that I mean with so much more conviction now because I’ve come further along in my own mind and with my sense of self. Things that I cold actually believe in.

That’s why I didn’t write a 2.0 version of a letter to myself for this prompt. I’ve already done one. It was kind of a lie in terms of the place that I wrote it from but the sentiment remains the same and if I were to write it again now it would remain exactly the same, I would just believe it a bit more now.

And to know that would be the case is freeing like you wouldn’t believe and feels like a sign of where I am right now with everything.

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