Letters to Autumn 4
Letters to Autumn,  My Life

Letters to Autumn 4

Dear Autumn,

It is very easy for me to forget sometimes that I am a creature of habit.

Don’t get me wrong a lot of the time I am very aware of it. You can swear by my food order in a lot of places (seriously, this one place that I go to lunch a lot at work I don’t even have to say anything. I just make small talk and pay while my lunch is already in the motion of being made), but there are some ways where I forget just how habitual I am.

I say this because I’m currently not at work. I’m not even out of London yet. I’m just at home. And as such everything is kind of off kilter.

My weekdays (and even my weekends to some degree) have a surprising amount of routine to them. I wake up the same time, catch the same train each morning, eat at the same times during the day. I do the same workouts at the same time on 3 of those days. I get home on Mondays and I wash my hair. I exfoliate and shave on Tuesdays nights during my post-workout shower. I do almost nothing on Thursday evenings. Sometimes I get a life, mostly I don’t. And my evenings (and again, weekends) are just spent writing stuff up or watching something. Or binge watching it. (I don’t know whether to be proud of horrified that I watched all 5 seasons of The Fosters in 3 weeks…) Then I’m in bed by 11:30 most of the time.

The point is, I have a routine and my body and mind are a tad confused by all this time they now have free.

It just gets all confused and then there is a part of me that feels like I’m then just wasting all this extra time that I’ve freed up by not having to go into work. Which leads to guilt and then the whole thing just becomes bizarrely un-relaxing which is kind of the point of taking time off.

There’s a small part of my brain that just drops me back to being unemployed when I would jut have hours and hours and days and weeks of nothingness in front of me and I felt like shit for the whole year and so any time I have off and am not actually going anywhere I feel a little shit.

And so I’m trying to ignore that part of me feeling guilty about somehow taking an hour to do something that typically I can do in about a minute (like get out the front door). I’m going to enjoy the fact that I can take my doing things, like my hair. And sleeping.

I really need this time off. I’ve run quite close to just burning out recently and so this time has come at just the right now. I’ve had quite a pampering week so far all things considered. And I’m finally getting a massage at the end of the week before I get out of London for a bit at the weekend which is something that I always need to do every now and then.

I’m also gonna ignore the fact when I do go back to work I’m doing 8 out of 10 days for some bizarre reason…


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