Letters to Autumn 20
Letters to Autumn

Letters to Autumn: The 2016 Edition 20

Dear Autumn,

I am a habitual spot picker.

It’s one of my worst habits (I also pop my gum like it’s going out of fashion and there is a part of me that thinks someone one day is going to go Cell Block Tango on me…can’t seem to quit it though) and the one that I can’t seem to be able to break.

I stopped biting my nails just fine and in theory it seems like the same principals can be applied. Except for the fact that they cannot. And in actual fact, I stopped biting my nails and now instead just tear them off every few weeks, let them grow and then repeat the process. I just sort of substituted one bad thing for another and pretended that it was fine.

But I digress. Kind of.

The point is, I am a spot picker and as such I am covered in scars that could largely have been avoided and while it is definitely no where near as bad as it used to be, it’s gotten worse recently. It seems that whenever one spot disappears another one shows up right next to the old one seconds later. I find new spots about 3 times a day (and maybe I should stop touching my face so much) and I wonder how the hell they got there and why. Always why. I have a good skin care routine, I’ve tried as much as I can to adapt to the fact that my skin type has changed and that’s been mildly annoying, but whatever, I always take my make up off and try to let my skin breathe and all that jazz. And yet, day on day right now a new spot seems to appear and once I have gotten over it’s presence, they then seem to act like a siren call to me.

I don’t even realise that I’m doing it sometimes. But I eventually just start picking away. Not in a serious way at first, just judging the size of it. And then I notice that it could probably do with being taken down a peg or two and then off I go. And I’ve realised this week that I do it most when I’m bored, anxious or stressed. I am mainly impressed that it has taken until this week to discover that because I spend about 80% of my time anxious or stressed. But yeah, when I’m just sat there minding my own business I discover all of a sudden that I’ve made a small section of my face actually bleed and then I have a whole other issue on my hands.

And I repeat that, all the time. And I know I shouldn’t. And I try to stop myself from doing it, but unless someone is physically telling me to stop (or in some cases actually removing my hand from my face) I can’t seem to be able to nip the habit in the bud.

And I really need to. Because I stopped once and my skin stopped being a tapestry of scars and on a really shallow level it felt great and I noticed this morning that the tapestry is making a comeback (that analogy doesn’t really work I’ve just realised) and even now while I am writing this post I keep pausing and I zone back in to realise that I’m doing it again (as well as watching an old episode of Bake Off). It’s like a weird subconscious thing I do that I really need to become mindful of.

Basically I need to break the habit. And once I’ve got that one down I can work on the one that just leaves the words ‘into his head’ ringing around in my thoughts.

Was this any better than yesterday, it’s hard to tell? Well, there’s always tomorrow.


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