My Life


Hi, Hey, Hello!

We’re back with Day 2 of this challenge. I kind of realised that most of these are just one word prompts which means for the most part you can kind of just say what you want in response to them. I love that kind of shit, we all know that. And so here we go with this one.

I am my own worst obstacle. I am truly atrocious.

And the worst part is that for the most part I can feel myself being the obstacle. I feel myself being the thing that is keeping me from doing something and for some reason, for the most part I just let myself get away with it. Because I feel like my brain must be doing for some reason to keep me safe. But it means that I am always well within the realms of my comfort zone. I don’t really like being out it.

Which is problematic because how the hell am I going to grow as a person if I insist remaining in my comfort zone.

Here’s the real crazy thing, currently the only way that I push myself out of my comfort zone is through exercise. I was terrified of weights but I still went and did them anyway and now I cannot really live without those sessions. My body craves them now. In a really weird way similar to the way that it just craves the sweat that comes with a really good workout. Currently that is how I push myself. And it feels kind of crazy

I didn’t push myself anywhere near as much as I could have done during uni which was honestly the perfect time to do that, but I cannot be bothered to live with that regret and so I’m not. But what I really need to do is get better at pushing myself again.

I need to say yes more because let’s be real for the most part my anxiety is not going to get much better than it already is. I’ve managed that as much as I can. Or at least I like to think I have. But I cannot keep using it as an excuse to not do something. It means that I will basically always just live my life on my sofa. And on Netflix. And all that jazz.

I don’t even really know what saying yes would actually entail, it’s not like I’m saying no to all that much. Although maybe that is in and of itself the problem. I can’t tell anymore.

I do know that I frequently get in my own way just by my very way of thinking. As I’m writing this on this very day I had a mini panic attack because it dawned me that I am aiming for around 80,000 words on the first draft of The Thing and I was currently only around 4,000 and I had no idea where the the fuck I was pulling 70k from. By the end of the month I am trying to get to 30,000 words and honestly for some reason I have underestimated just how many words that truly is. And it caused me to panic slightly and get a little sweat on.

And then I started thinking about how basically maybe it wasn’t worth even trying because where the fuck do I think I’m getting 80,000 words minimum from? And this is what I mean. I did genuinely almost convince myself that not even trying was the best bet. And I had to then convince my own brain against itself that that is bullshit and you miss 100% of the chances that you don’t take. So I have to take it.

And I have to keep actively ignoring the voice in my head that is going to tell me that I am not good enough. Somehow as I have gotten older I have both gotten better at ignoring this voice and worse. I don’t really know how that is possible, but it is. It’s like the more confidence I have in myself the more my brain is like ‘hmmmm do you though?’ and the more I am like ‘maybe I don’t’. And the more I have to ignore it with every fibre of my being and just move on.

I know I can ignore it. I ignore it every time it tells me that I can’t hold a plank for a minute at the end of a 45 minute class. I ignore it every time it tells me that I can’t go up in weight and then do it anyway. I ignore it every time I send an email to someone. I ignore it every time the phone rings and I have to pick it up and be a professional. I ignore it every time I walk into a place on my own to eat/watch a film/grab a coffee. I am good at ignoring it because it comes up almost every day. But that’s for all the small stuff. When it comes to the big stuff I am less good at ignoring it. Which is largely annoying and something that I am working on.

So yeah, I am my own worst obstacle and a lot of the time I have no real idea how the hell I’m gonna be better at it, but I really need to be.

Parentheses count: 0. See you tomorrow!


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