My Life

Small Steps

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I’ve mentioned this in a post earlier this year, but last year my anxiety manifested itself in the form of me becoming obsessed with my health and various aspects of it.

This in turn manifested itself in me only doing certain types of exercises. I didn’t want to give it up completely because that felt like I was giving my anxiety too much power and I didn’t want that for myself so I changed what I was doing completely. I kept it low impact. I did a lot of yoga and pilates. I did nothing that was gonna give me that much cardio.

I managed to convince myself that everything was largely fine because I was still getting a workout in and that was what was important. Eventually I tried to convince myself to do at least one session a week that was explicitly cardio, but I kind of never really enjoyed them all that much because there was that part of me that was just waiting for me to feel all panicky and for shit to go wrong so I was more in my head then I was before I went into the session.

And then everything did seem to be largely fine and I felt like I was in a place to maybe not fearfully do one cardio session a week and so it went up to two. But there was still that part of me that was sort of worried about it all and there was a part of my brain that was still kind of worried about it. But I had to keep doing the thing because otherwise it would rule me and that is the one thing that you kind of can’t let it beat you like that.

Anyway, the point of this is that as I write this I am in the middle of being on Annual Leave and I’m just bumming around London trying to use that time to get a lot of writing done and also to try and shake up my workout routine after a week away. And in that week almost every single one of my workouts was heavy on the cardio. And it didn’t even phase me. I didn’t even really think about it.

And that felt like a huge thing for me. It was kind of a small one, but it was a huge one for me to not care. For me to just move through the workout and push myself to do all that I could within those 45 minutes. And I felt good about it. Which is all you can really ask for from a workout.

And it proved something to myself that I hadn’t even really known I had needed.

Parentheses count: 0. See you tomorrow!

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