Hi, Hey, Hello!
New week innit. End of the first week of March. And I have just realised that this month means we are officially reaching the end of the first quarter of the year…hmmmm random thing to realise but that’s how my brain works when I start writing new posts sometimes. Why is the opening of anything so hard (and also the titling thing)? If I could just cut to the middle every time it would be so much easier. I think I have prattled on enough for now and I’m gonna move on now.
So I was a pretty reclusive human being for many a month. Seriously there were days at uni where I wouldn’t see another person at all. I wouldn’t even talk for ages. I was pretty much a hermit and I remained one up until I got a job and couldn’t be one anymore. Funnily enough that doesn’t really work, I made that sound like it was a bad thing or something. It wasn’t. I most definitely needed to not be a recluse anymore.
Anyway the point to that whole paragraph is that I am pretty good at being guarded. I am like queen of making you think you know stuff about me but really it’s not all that much. I tell people things in passing and flippantly and then pretend that I didn’t say them. But here’s the thing that throws me, when people bring them up at a later date.
Despite the fact that I have this wonderful blog and the two forms of social media that I use the most have referenced it many a time I don’t really verbally talk about the fact that I write. I mention occasionally that I was part of Creative Writing Society when I was at uni, but it’s not a thing that I talk about a lot. For no real reason, but it just doesn’t come up in conversation all that much, it’s this thing that while I love it I don’t think I want to talk about it all the time.
In fact the only time it really comes up that it’s a thing that I do is when people ask me what I studied at uni and when I say English the next thing they ask is ‘oh do you write?’ and I can’t say no because that feels weird so I just say ‘yeah a bit’. Which yeah, is a lie, it’s a lot but it means that people don’t ask more questions about it because I am weird about that. I don’t know why but talking about it stresses me out and makes me feel stupid (this is 100% a me thing, if I could talk about it in a care free manner then I would never shut up about it, but I just don’t seem to have that in me at the moment, from people that I actually have to look at face to face). So I mention it quickly and then carry on with my life.
And then that flippant answer got brought up again a few weeks ago because I was talking about the fact that I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop with me and my relationship with sleep and I was asked if a reason for the fact that my brain will not shut the fuck up is because of my writing. And well yeah the answer is sometimes yes, but I was so oddly thrown by it that my answer did not come out all the confidently. It came out like I was confused as hell by what was happening with this line of questioning.
Which I don’t think is all that normal? I think in itself it is a bit odd that I get thrown by having a conversation about my life with people that I spend 30+ hours a week with…
It is right? I know it is. And it taught me something about myself, that I kind of already knew but had gotten really good at ignoring or whatever. That something is that I really need to stop being the queen of making people think they know a lot about me when they actually know shit. I’m not talking a total 180 turnaround with it or anything. I mean I don’t know how I am gonna go about making slight changes at being less of a solitary castle surrounded by barricades (I don’t think that metaphor totally works, but let’s go with it) because the barricades are well built and have pretty solid foundations at this point, with me age 23 (so old I know…). But I should probably be better.
Make baby steps. Get to the point where it is not weird to talk about something that I spend about half of my time doing.
The same also applies to the fact that I read, but that is a whole other issue for a whole other day…in the very distant future.
For now, I am gonna run away because that was a lot to write and actually let this post and see you tomorrow!
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