Letters to Autumn, My Life

Letters to Autumn 31

Dear Autumn,

Well I say that, for the final time, although I do feel like when the clocks rolled back winter immediately decided to make itself known. It was a bitterly cold wake up call yesterday and the wind bit at my ears and fingertips and the sun hung low and bright in the crisp blue sky, making the orange and gold carnage that the last few weeks have brought glisten like a mass of jewels.

I told a lie yesterday, I didn’t wash my hair last night. I just sort of fell into being ill and a bit run down and feeling a bit shitty and with that came being sat no my sofa and not really moving once I got home. I mean it allowed me to be a tad productive, maybe not completely in the way that I would like, but in a way.

I’ve rather horrifyingly, but very much necessary, declared this week a rest week. I haven’t taken an extended period of time off from regular exercise for months now with the exception of the two whole holidays that I have taken, but even then the day after I got back I went straight back to it. I used to take 3-4, sometimes 5, days off when Aunt Flo was in town but as time has moved on I have managed to work around that and minimised the amount of time that I have taken off from it. I’ve basically been pretty consistent and only taken time off when I’m like I’ve deserved this.

And I deserve this one as well, running myself down even further is not a good idea, but for some reason it was a bit harder to make that decision without the promise of a holiday. I’m hoping I just need this work week. And because my evenings aren’t being occupied by sweating I didn’t need to wash my hair quite so urgently as it turned out to not be the only free day early on in the week I have. Plus my hair was co-operating yesterday, undoing all that for the sake of washing felt pointless and I was feeling lazy.

The cold has also come the need to just consume all the junk food. Which I’m indulging in a little because well it’s better to just give in sometimes and Jaffa cakes taste so good.

My depleted energy levels might set be back a bit for the next few days in terms of writing and getting shit done, but I guess when I have an extra hour or so at home because I’m not having to work out and then get home and then shower and then eat and the suddenly discover that it’s 9pm and I’m gonna start thinking about going upstairs to my bed. I won’t have that excuse this week and it’s kind of a good thing. Accountability.

I’m gonna spend the next night just getting things down onto paper and all that jazz.

And I’m going to try and shake this cold so I can get back on things so I can feel a little bit more like myself again. I’m probably going to have to dig out my winter coat and will admit that I am quite enjoying that currently I get to wrap myself up in a scarf for an indefinite amount of time whilst indoors because it keeps me insulated and provides me with the illusion of getting better.

Nights are getting darker quicker and temperatures are dropping rapidly and the leaves will soon all be gone leaving stark trees in their wake and I know my time with you is almost done. Which I’m always a little sad about, but also know that it just makes my time with you all the sweeter.

I don’t quite know what to make of you this year though. It’s been a weird month of feeling inspired and also feeling drained. Feeling motivated and then also feeling quite low. Of feeling super confident and then feeling tons of self loathing. Of feeling relaxed and then also feeling super stressed.

It’s been odd.

I somehow feel like it always is as I finally settle back into my element. My element being the cold. Wrapping up in jumpers and knitwear is where I am happiest.

It’s been real Autumn, thanks for stopping by.

Love,

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Letters to Autumn

Letters to Autumn 30

Dear Autumn,

I managed to bullshit and find something yesterday which actually amounted to a full letter. I have now expended that as an option and officially do not know what to say to you today.

It’s a Monday.

It’s a work day.

It’s a rest day.

It’s hair wash day.

More specifically I gotta clarify shampoo my hair. Which means nothing really other than I deviate from my coconut shampoo and use a Bb one. It just really strips my hair and gets rid of all the product build up over the past month. Although I’ve hardly used any this month except leave in conditioner for the most part because I just lob it up into some kind of up do because the wind has been real this autumn and I can’t be bothered to style it just for the wind to ruin it.

Then I get to do my favourite thing which is deep condition. It’s my fave because I just slather that shit into my hair and then wrap it up and leave it for a couple of hours. Then I can do some other things. I do currently only have deep conditioner in my possession which is weird because at one point I had about 6 on the go. It’s a bit weird to be in that situation, but it’s for the best probably.

I’m still playing catch up with getting all of the book reviews that I need to get up written. I’ve still got about half to do so that’s pretty much my main focus. I’m still in planning mode. I’m still trying to not succumb to my urges and just eat alllll the bad food because hormones are a bitch and that seems to be all they want. I’m still putting off clearing out of my wardrobe.

Yeah, I’m still plodding along.

And I’ve only got one more letter to write to you Autumn. I’ll try and make it have some more to say to you then.

Love,

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Letters to Autumn, My Life

Letters to Autumn 29

Dear Autumn,

I don’t really have anything to say to you today that I haven’t already said to you already this month.

The clocks went back, so that was another hour to do something with. Whether I actually did, I do not know. This was written last night whilst I was watching an elimination round of Masterchef Australia and  went in on some pineapple. I watched Strictly‘s Halloween show which is always my favourite show of the season.

I came back from rebounding (A fancy way of saying that I bounced on a mini trampoline for 45 minutes, you may laugh at the notion, but the workout is real. You are pretty much always in a crunch position pushing back into your heels. My core, hip flexors and the back of my legs both hate and love me for it.) and once I was showered I just sat around on my sofa wearing shorts and a jumper as one does.

I also bought a new scarf because it came to my attention that I only own one and it’s leopard print, which while it is my fave and my winter staple, it’s weird that I only have the one and it’s not black. So I remedied that. It’s soft and fluffy and it finally feels like the weather is taking the kind of turn where wrapping up will become a requirement for the whole day and not just the earlier hours of the day.

I collected half of my Glossier package, because the sorting office only gave me one box and so today I have had to go back and try and get the second half. I’m mildly annoyed about that fact, but I do have half of it. And it’s the skin care half, which is only annoying because the other half has the sunscreen that I ordered and I ran out of that yesterday morning. Luckily I have a primer that has some SPF in it, so I’ve bunged that on for today for my trek into the outside world. From what I have so far of that though, the packaging is hella cute and nice and it seems like it won’t be too terrifying a change from my beloved Lush. My Boy Brow is also in this second package, so I’ll maybe get an idea as too what the hype is around that. And around Glossier in general. I’ll probably talk about it a bit more a give a little review of sorts in December when I’ve come out of the other side of my plans for November.

That’s something I’m gearing up for. Still plodding away with the write up of book reviews and also trying to fill out the 9/10 gaps that I still have for the month. Whilst trying to figure out this plan for this bloody new idea for next month and then also try to pull together a personal statement, because yeah that is a thing that is going to happen. Maybe. I feel like all of a sudden I have a lot of words to write. And I don’t know what to do about it. Other than write them.

For now though, toady I’m going to try and source that second package, run a few errands, do cardio barre. And then probably some more writing. Got get some shit caught up before the month starts so that I don’t go totally insane with all the words that I have to write…

Turns out I did have some things to say to you today. Gotta go make use of that extra hour.

Love,

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Letters to Autumn, My Life

Letters to Autumn 28

Dear Autumn,

Remember that fucking story that I kept talking about and kept saying how I wanted to work on it next month for NaNo?

Yeah, I do too.

And yet at some point on Thursday morning I got hit with this new idea. One that seemed to hum away and not leave me alone for the whole day. It wasn’t one of those ideas that I had, thought might have been a good idea and then let it slip into the mess that is my thoughts. No it was one of those ideas that stuck.

That decided that it might maybe have some legs to run with. And it is completely different to the original thing that I am STILL working on…

Where is has come from, I honestly could not tell you. Well, maybe I could, but I didn’t think it would get the mental momentum that it did. And I find myself trying to just push it to the back burner because I have whole other thing that I want to focus on, but it’s just there.

Niggling away at me to the point where I am now apparently going to spend my weekend planning it out. And I mean starting from the bulbs that need planting in order to see some roots grow and flowers bloom kind of planning out. There are no real characters here bar the one who started this whole mess.

I don’t know where or when it’s set. I have a vague idea of what the fucking plot is. But it’s super vague. It’s not even a backbone. It’s like one femur (is that the one in you leg… or your arm. I could Google it. I should Google it) and then one of those tiny bones in your foot or ear. It’s almost nothing. I don’t know who any of the characters there are. Or how many there are. I don’t even know how old these people are.

It’s mildly terrifying that I seem to be itching to do this.

But then I’m also kind of excited about it…I’ve gone mad.

Love,

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Letters to Autumn, My Life

Letters to Autumn 27

Dear Autumn,

Anger’s a weird one.

I mean emotions in general are kind weird if you really think about them, but there is something about anger.

I feel like for the most part you can deal with the origin for some other emotions. And they make sense that you would feel them. And I get feeling angry, but like angry that you stubbed your toe. Or angry that your team’s defence is so shit right now (seriously Liverpool, sort it out).

But pure unadultered rage that you don’t really know what to do with and will not pass unless you shout, cry or punch something.

That shit is fucking weird.

It just seems to come out of nowhere and then sits with you.

I bring this up because last week I spend most of the day seething with rage. Like it seeped out of all my pores and most people kept a fair distance from me for that very reason. I just felt a level of anger that I haven’t felt in a very long time, or maybe ever. It was weird.

I mean I know what triggered it, but it something that has happened before multiple times and other than annoying me slightly I am kind of over at this point. But on this day, I just felt uncontrollable anger.

That I could not get rid of.

So it hit me at like 9am and then it just sat with me all day. And I could not get rid of it for the whole work day. I didn’t really talk to anyone unless it was necessary. I took a deep breath every time I had to answer the phone and tried to mask the anger out of my voice. I kept just getting up and moving away from my desk every hour and taking a couple of breaths so that I didn’t actually go insane.

I will be honest, it felt like I kind of broke a little bit.

I sweat it all out later that afternoon after work in the end. I just channelled it all into donkey kicks, squats and ab roll outs. It was 45 minutes when the only thing that I let myself focus on was the fucking burn in my glutes and abs. And it helped. I sweat it all out, got home, hugged my dog and then slept relatively well that night. It did me the world of good.

Turns out this letter was basically another ode to exercise but I got there in a roundabout way.

One I never really want to feel that kind of anger again, but two, it’s good to know that I have a healthy outlet to channel it into now.

Love,

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Letters to Autumn, My Life

Letters to Autumn 26

Dear Autumn,

You remember that diary that I bought some time over the summer?

Yeah, to be honest I almost forgot about it too. I schlepped the thing all the way to bloody Filey with me and it never even left the bag that I put it in. I’ve been doing that a lot with it. Just taking it places and then forgetting about it.

I keep having good intentions with it. It’s my great bid to become more organised after all. But then I kind of lose those intentions somewhere along the way. I don’t even really know where it goes, it just goes missing momentarily.

And then on Sunday I got hit with another wave of motivation to get to this thing and became the kind of person that plans the minutiae of her life. Okay, that might be a slight exaggeration, but I did write down all the little tasks that I wanted to get done over the course of week and assigned them to a day. I then tried to hold myself accountable for that.

The majority of the things that I wanted to get done were and are writing related. I have a lot of book reviews to write for next month and I want to be as on top of it as I can be so that I only have one focus for next month for the most part. I’ve been doing relatively well with this so far, mainly because I have a reason to be trying to be as productive as possible this last full week of October (what the fuck by the way?). Also ideally I want to spend the last two days of this month getting some prep done for the next 30 days. You know like actually have a plan of some sort and not go in totally blind like I have done for 16,000 words so far.

My aim is to get to 70,000 words with this thing by year’s end. And I can’t do that without a plan.

So the diary is back and I’ve started writing down all the things that I actually need to do because putting down onto paper means that I can see it practically and it doesn’t just bounce around in my head as a vague idea to maybe actually do. The task is written down and it has a date. I’m being held accountable for it.

And for the most part, so far it seems like this diary is proving practical and useful.

Result.

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Letters to Autumn, My Life

Letters to Autumn 25

Dear Autumn,

Let me give you some context first. 6 years ago I moved away from home and went all the way to Liverpool for the first time for uni.

In doing this I left my old bedroom free for the taking. Which my brother did within about an hour of me leaving the house.

He then kept that room for 5 years, up until the point where he moved out. And since then it’s slowly become a place where I just dump all the shit that I just cannot fit in my own room, but it has pretty much been unoccupied for the past 14 months.

Until last weekend where on a whim I decided to just call it and the move fuck back in. So I moved my duvet and pillow from my current bed and I put them in my old room and something finally clicked in my head.

Once that small move had taken place there was no stopping me. I won a light box last summer which has basically just been sitting in it’s box since it arrived into the house that I finally had a place to put in. I got a free reed diffuser in March when I bought my mum’s birthday present that could finally open and make use of. The smell is delightful, a slightly musky scent that is right up my street.

And then I really went a bit crazy. I bought a new lamp and a desk chair, because I realised that I could really go all out here and set this space up as something that is going to be actually useful and just give me a place to go in my house that I haven’t really had in the 3 years that I’ve been back home. I mean I had my room but it was always too small to really want to spend any really extended period of time in.

In less than a week I have now created a space that I can work and relax in and am very quickly making it my own. And will continue to do so, enjoying every aspect of being able to do that again.

I gotta be honest a lot of the reason that I haven’t done it sooner is because I am incredibly lazy and to be honest I did only use my room to sleep in. But then I spent a whole week living completely on my own and I had all this space and could just be that I finally realised just how much I missed not having to be an actual person who had to pretend to want to be social and all that jazz. I got all Virginia Woolf and a room of one’s own about it basically.

I still have a lot to work to do with it all though. For example I am finally, finally, going to sort my room out properly. Go through my wardrobe and decide which clothes I actually want to get rid of (or maybe sell, depending on the state of them). I need to figure out what the fuck I am going to do with all the books that I have just shoved under my bed and not thought about for years, even though I know there are loads under there. I really don’t know where they are going to go, but hey, let’s cross that bridge later. And, again I need to figure out what to do with them, because there may be some that I really don’t need. But I’m not thinking about that yet. I’m gonna focus on the clothes first.

And also on the ways that I can make this room even further my own. It currently already has some early NaNo inspiration/prep above the desk, but there is so much scope to do so much more with it that I am excited about. It’s starting to feel like my space again, which it was 6 years ago, very much so. Only funnily enough, given that I am 6 years older, the things that I want to hang out in my space are very different to what they used to be.

But before I deal with the mammoth task that is the wardrobe clear out, I shall first look into other things to make the room seem more comfortable. Like candles, or some shit. More cushions. I dunno. The internet will probably provide though.

Love,

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