Letters to Autumn, My Life

Letters to Autumn 11

Dear Autumn,

Sometimes, it turns out, my sporadic nature works for the better without my even realising it.

On Monday night, while I was not scrolling endlessly through Twitter, Tumblr or Instagram I found myself clicking over onto my scheduled posts here on my blog. And well, there are a lot of November posts with titles just waiting to be written because for the most part all the groundwork is there. They are books that I need to review and some other little bookish things that only require the knowledge that is in my head.

And well, I found myself starting to write them.

I didn’t really think much of it at first, I needed something constructive to do with my time and it seemed like it would be more productive than trying to read with my tired eyes (somehow staring at my laptop screen was better for those very eyes once I had switched to night mode) and not take anything in properly.

Then I realised that if I end up with most of the month’s posts written it is one less thing to worry about having to write come the month itself (which isn’t actually as far away as I would like it to be, for a reason that will become apparent shortly). The most I would have to worry about is sharing the posts on the days that they were posted.

And the reason that it is important is because I am crazy enough to think that attempting NaNo this year is a good idea. Now I am a total pantser when it comes to this endeavour. I never really go in with a plan. In fact in the cases of a couple of years I didn’t even really go in with a solid idea. This year feels a bit different in that respect.

For one I’m being a total rebel and working on something that already has a solid almost 16,000 words to it’s name (not that it actually has a name, but you know what I mean) which means that it is something that already has legs with me. Because of that, and secondly, it means that I am just treating November as a way to bolster my word count. If I can bolster it by 50,000 words then great. If I can’t then that’s also fine, I will just be happy that I managed to get it up by at all. Because unlike before this isn’t an idea that I just came up with for the sake of the month and thought it might work and I should try and write 50,000 words on it with no real direction. This is something that has sat with me for a while and that I keep coming back to. And in my head it has a clear direction, I just need to actually get it down onto paper and really flesh out all the details.

Which is what I am using November to do. And I guess to allow myself the best chance of success my brain was like, ‘hey you should really write some of November’s posts up so you don’t have to then’. And so, while I’ve got some time to truly dedicate to that (as well as reading and just enjoying being by the ocean again) I am going to do just that.

Love,

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letters to spring

Letters to Spring 30

Dear Spring,

Somehow we have reached the end of this month and that seems insane because I could have sworn that it had just started. But I guess I feel like that every single time a month comes to an end and I am faced the with realisation that I am going to have to flip my calendar over to a new picture even though it feels like I just got used to the last picture.

This month has been a bit of a strange one on a few levels. For one the weather has been all over the place in a way that I guess that it always is as this on some level a transitional month and it pretty much always does the insane things that it does, but that doesn’t detract from the fact that it’s still very odd to be walking around in a t-shirt one minute and then feeling like you need your reliable winter coat the next.

Secondly, personally I’ve felt a bit all over the place which has been a bit of an experience to have to deal with and has also taken me back to places that I thought I had left behind me. Although I guess that never truly happens and in some capacity you are always going to be affected by things that have happened. But yeah, that’s been a bit of a rollercoaster to deal with, but I think (hope) that it’s coming to an end as we move through into May.

Thirdly writing letters to you Spring was a bit all over the place. It just sort of highlighted to me  how much of a rut I was in when it comes to being creative right now which I had hoped this project would kind of kick start and get me back on track. And it has in some way, but it also hasn’t. It’s occasionally mocked me in a big way, when I’ve just spent ages looking at a blank screen and wondering what the fuck I am going to talk about today. I’ve thought about giving it up sometimes, but then I remember that this isn’t supposed to be a chore and if it is then I should stop doing it anyway. And yeah, some days the post comes easier and sometimes they are kind of almost not worth posting, but every time I did post it I got one step closer to maybe not being stuck in this weird rut of mine.

So it’s been a bit all over the place and I’ve felt a bit out of my element with it all and writing to you Spring has just reminded me of that. It was an interesting exercise for me to take, when I have written to your other transitional counterpart in the past I have felt like I was settling back into…something and that doesn’t happen with you Spring I’ve learned this month. It might have something to do with the residual terrors in the back of my mind about this time always coinciding with exams and me always being super stressed about them. I hope that leaves me at some point, but something was definitely off kilter this month.

I can’t decide if I’m glad that I have a record of that or not. Either way it’s time to say goodbye to Spring (on here at least) and just be proud that I managed to stick to yet another batch of letters.

Love,

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Letters to Spring 29

Dear Spring,

Fuck I ache right now. It’s a good kind of ache. It’s an ache that follows the burn of knowing that you are hitting the right muscles while you exercise. It’s an ache that you know come tomorrow is probably going to be much worse and is going to make sitting down and laughing very difficult and slightly painful. It’s an ache that I’ve recently kind of become very used to and on some level might even…like? (I spent a whole day at Be:Fit London today, which even a year ago when I started this thing I never would have even considered doing.)

I mean it’s something that I keep doing and I also work through the ache when come Thursday my glutes feel like dead weight but they still manage to surprise even me. I even so far as to do two 40 minute cardio workouts (the second one I did, Girl Gains, had a banging playlist which when you’re dipping into yet another squat or side plank is really what you need to be honest, give me all the Destiny’s Child songs to work out to please) within the space of an hour that worked pretty much all the same muscle groups and a part of my brain was like ‘you’re being fucking mental’ but then the rest of me was like ‘no this is fine you can do this, your body is stronger than your mind, it will burn but it will be fine’.

And it did burn and it was borderline awful (not in a legit way, just in a this has got to have been longer than 40 seconds why are you still counting down from 20 kind of way)  but it was also kind of invigorating and made me feel powerful and strong. In fact the last couple of workouts that I’ve done this week I’ve noticed that I’m stronger. I can hold a plank better and achieve variations of it with greater ease, there’s way less hip movement involved. I can get into stretches a bit deeper and can touch the floor with straight legs!

I’ve also got a taste for Barry’s Bootcamp today and it was hell (seriously it burned my core in a serious kind of way) but it was also only a condensed version of a class and now I wanna know what the whole thing would feel like…I used to work near one and would see people at lunchtime leaving covered in sweat and clutching protein shakes and I’ve heard things about them and I can understand them, but I also wanna know…this is the kind of person that I am right now.

I’m also slowly making changes to my diet still so it’s not a total shock to the system (not that I’m ever going to do something totally drastic with it or anything), but for now I’m eating pizza and salted caramel ice cream and I’m not going to move from my sofa tomorrow and then I’m gonna feel the burn all over again on (bank holiday) Monday with barre…

Love,

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letters to spring

Letters to Spring 28

Dear Spring,

This is my 650th post. Which is ridiculous when you think about. Or at least it is to me, just because it means that I have stuck with something for an extensive period of time and I just tend to procrastinate my way out of doing things. But not this. Somehow this keeps going, even though there are definitely times when I have just thought that it might be better for my sanity (I am being hyperbolic here) if I just sort of slipped away quietly from here.

But I haven’t because I have to keep reminding myself that this blog is my creative outlet and even if I don’t venture into other creative ventures as often as I would like I am still maintaining this and I am still putting words onto a page (screen) every day and yeah sometimes they aren’t all that great and sometimes I don’t spend as much time as I would like and it’s a bit all over the place (and I really need to get better at proof reading and not days/weeks/months after the thing has been posted). But I do it. And there’s still a lot of procrastinating and a lot of blogger’s guilt but there I still do it.

Somehow I still do it, and I have done it almost every day for 18 months or something. And yeah I have been feeling kind of unmotivated recently but I’m still doing it because not doing it would make it worse I feel.

So this is my 650th post and today I drank some coffee, ate some food, caught up on some shows and started season 6 of Masterchef USA because there is a lack of cooking shows in my life (seriously, I only watch one and it’s coming to an end soon) and I love me a season of Masterchef (and also I needed a tonic to Big Little Lies, which the family also started this week to fill the Michael Portillo void and while I love it, it’s quite intense).

Love,

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letters to spring

Letters to Spring 27

Dear Spring,

Today was my Friday and I kept forgetting it. I even agreed to do something tomorrow at work (a small task that I could easily do today) before remembering that I wasn’t going to be there. And then other people kept reminding me that they would see me next week and I kept thinking what?

It means that I’ve bagged myself a further string of 4 day weeks because Monday is a bank holiday and well there are always a good thing to be honest. Something about not having to deal with a full 5 days is quite…nice. In fact I’ve hit a nice streak of four day weeks just because that’s the way bank holidays and Easter worked.

I don’t even know what I’m going to do with this extra day off. Firstly because I am a terrible planner and also because I don’t think I really want to do anything with it other than just not have to be mostly sat at my desk for 8 hours of the day in an office that is soooo hot and is only going to get worse as the (supposedly) warmer months start rolling in. I mean I’m probably just going to lie on my sofa and catch up on some stuff that I’ve not been keeping on top of on the TV. Do some eating, drink some coffee, do some other life admin things. Basically just rest up because I have quite the busy Saturday. Oh and also maybe do some reading just because I need these books done with and I’m trying to stick to reading a book a week (even though the books keep getting longer…).

So that’s where I’m at. Feeling a little bit better than yesterday and really now looking forward to the fact that I have a 4 day weekend. The joy about having one has just hit me. Work week done. Weekend started.

Love,

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Letters to Spring 26

Dear Spring,

I am going to be honest, my motivation is at an all time low. I don’t even really know what it is, all I know is that it just doesn’t appear to be around right now.

Maybe it’s because the insomnia seems to be slowly creeping back into my life and so I’m not sleeping very well at the moment. Then there’s the whole just general sluggishness because it’s that time of the month and that has somehow caught me off guard despite falling at around the same time each and every single month. Then there’s the fact that for some reason my mind just won’t shut up and I keep worrying about every single little thing right now. Then there’s the fact that a part of me keeps beating myself up about the fact that I’m being unproductive and just sort hanging around on my sofa wasting hours on YouTube and rewatching things on Netflix.

So maybe I do know what’s wrong. Or maybe I do kind of know the source for the lack of motivation. I don’t know what I’m going to do about it at the moment other than just sort of ride the wave out, although that might be a bad idea because I don’t know how big the wave is. I’m basically just going to let myself feel like this for a bit because it’s more annoying to try and ignore it, and then I’m gonna reassess the situation.

Love,

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Letters to Spring 25

Dear Spring,

I’m craving the beach right now like never before. Or more specifically the ocean.

It has been too long since I last just got lost staring at blue-green water ebbing and flowing in a foam of white against deep yellow sand and apparently I miss it something terrible.

I think this is also just coinciding with the fact that I really need a holiday of some description. I have had a pocket of long weekends over the last 20 months and two Christmas’ but that is pretty much it. I’m notoriously bad at taken holiday. It’s a thing. I talked about actually going on a holiday in an abstract sense to a couple of people at work and they basically just said that they would be believe it when they see it (or don’t see me I guess).

The thing is I don’t have anywhere to go and so taking longer than like a day or two for holiday to just sit around and do what I did for that year that I was unemployed just doesn’t sound all that fun. It kind of feels like it’s a regression in some kind of way, which I’m very aware is kind of ridiculous because unlike then I actually have a job and I’m competent at it. I’m in a totally different headspace now then I was for that year, but the thoughts of it still hang quite heavily over me whenever I am sitting around in my house watching daytime quiz shows and just being idle. It’s not a place that I particularly going back to and so my holiday just sort of sits there being unused because for the most part.

But right now more than ever I am just really craving the ocean. And a beach. And a pool. And swimwear and the ability to actually wear some of my clothes in a warmer context.

And I should maybe stop looking at Instagram so often because that is just fuelling this desire right now and giving me a serious case of FOMO.

But seriously, can I be on a beach sipping at cocktails soon please (fully aware that I am the one who controls whether I do that or not…)

Love,

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