Letters to Autumn, My Life

Letters to Autumn 6

Dear Autumn,

I was just minding my own business on Monday when I clicked on my little notifications button in the top right corner and was informed that I have had this little space on the internet for 5 years now.

Half a decade.

This blog was borne out of a university society. It was part of the project for that year or something and it was hardly used. There was no real name for it and the posting was sporadic. I was terrified to push publish every single time my cursor hung over the button. I chickened out of it a lot. I’ve hated this blog and I’ve almost abandoned it oh so many times.

But most of all I’ve loved this thing I’ve created.

It’s almost like a journal in some ways, not in that it is always super personal or anything, although I know it can be, but in the way it chronicles who I am as a writer. Or what my interests were at any given point. It’s a bit weird when I think about it like that, because it wasn’t what I intended this place to be.

I don’t really know what I intended it to be, but it wasn’t this. I didn’t think I would care that much about this. I didn’t think I would feel guilty about not posting or that I would start to push myself to do more on here. I didn’t think that I would invest money in it, or that I would spend so much time painstakingly designing a logo, and still not be happy with it. I didn’t even think it would make it out of uni. I just kind of didn’t think about it. It was a uni project that I let fall away really quickly because the time that I started it was not a good time.

But for whatever reason I didn’t let that happen.

And now, here I am a little bit over 5 years later and it’s still going. And I’m falling a little bit more in love with it as time passes on. I’ve come to enjoy posting on here, even when I kind of hate it…

Love,

 

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My Life

Out of the Habit

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When I returned to this blog at the beginning of the month I changed the way I viewed it and took a lot of pressure of myself for the sake of my sanity and to avoid just churning out an old post for the sake of getting something out on a day to day basis.

Turning that switch off in my head has proved to be incredibly beneficial to the way that I view this blog. I stopped looking at it as some kind of chore and that in turn helped to create a more creative view for myself on it. I started to feel more inspired and more inclined to actually write content and it’s great. There is still a little bit of blogger’s guilt when I do miss a day, or in the case of this last week just go days without posting. But I would rather that then getting home for the day and then writing something that I kind of hate the entire that I am typing it and just letting it post. And I have to keep reminding myself of that on the days where my usual posting time passes and nothing comes with it.

Anyway, thinking about this has all come about because come Sunday I am going back to posting every single day. Every day. For the whole 31 days. Something that I haven’t done since Letters to Spring earlier in the year. Which at this point in the year seems like a distant, distant memory. And it felt kind of hard then even though I was in a better habit with this blog then.

I don’t even really know what to expect from next month at this point. On the one hand I’m not all that worried because the beauty of the month is that it is almost like a diary with the way that I approach it. They don’t have to be all that substantial in terms of content, in that in my head I just feel like I can take a little thing that happened on any given day and then just talk through my thought process in some way. In that respect I pretty much treat this project as a way to keep the cobwebs from building up too much on my writing and just get very Virginia Woolf about it all. And that is something that can take as little as half an hour each day. On the other had though I am kind of terrified of having to get back into the habit of posting every day because it’s not something that I used to doing at this point any more. Hasn’t been for months. And I don’t quite know how I am going to react to it.

I mean I have slowly built up to it in some ways with this month, but then I’ve also really not, given my almost near radio silence for the last week.

For one, I am going to have to really nail the whole being organised thing (more on how that is going later on in the week, see I occasionally have things planned…) and secondly I’m going to have to keep reminding myself that it’s okay if they get a bit more stream of consciousness than usual, that’s the beauty of the project that I decided to partake in and kind of make whatever the hell I want.

Oh, and I also need to remind myself not to repeat myself, so I gotta get better of keeping track what I wrote, which I guess links into the whole being organised thing.

And then I need to start worrying about November…which although themed in my head is also going to still (try) and be an everyday-er kind of job. So far, the month has a lot of book reviews scheduled because those have pretty disappeared recently, but I need to get more bookish ideas that are not that over the next few weeks so it’s literally just a case of writing them up, not thinking of ideas and then trying to figure out what the hell to do with them the day before the post is due.

I’m feeling good about the next couple of months though. So good in fact that I am, yet again, considering taking part in Nano in November. I might cheat juuustttt a little and work on an already existing manuscript,  but if I can get 50,000 words added to that it will be all the closer to actually being a finished thing and that kind of blows my mind. I mean there are a lot of other hurdles to jump over before it gets to that, but I’m doing the damn thing.

But before that I gotta do the damn thing of Letters to Autumn, and also make a modification to my sign off…

Parentheses count: 2. See you next time!

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My Life

More About Me

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I find that when all else fails the easiest thing to do when you’re a bit stuck is to just talk about yourself. I like to think that myself is a topic I am good at talking about…(I’m not, I actually avoid it all costs).

I was just doing a bit of blog reading last night (finally) and came across this and well I also love an open invitation because it gives me an idea! And I am really running out of those right now…So I’m talking about myself kind of, what I’m actually doing is responding to 11 questions in my usual rambling fashion.

1) When was the last time you laughed? What at?

I am currently listening to My Dad Wrote a Porno as I am writing this post up, so that was the last thing I laughed at.

2) What’s the weather like where you are? How does it affect you?

It’s really fucking hot I cannot lie. My office is stuffy as hell and then going outside is somehow like sweet relief even though it’s 30 degrees or some shit. And then trains are a nightmare to deal with because there is almost no ventilation on them and I travel in rush hour. And dressing for this weather, ugh that’s nigh on impossible because the heat makes me want to wear as little as possible, but I work in an office and that’s not appropriate so…I mean on the one hand I like it because it’s summer but on the other I miss my black skinny jeans…

3) What thoughts keep you awake at night?

What doesn’t keep me awake at night?? I mean work, what I have to do, trying to remember if I’m going to the gym the next day and have to source some work out wear, sometimes I have some other ideas for things and then I start wondering if I can be bothered to reach for my phone and type them down, then I start wondering how long it’s going to take to fall asleep. The list goes on, my mind goes into total overdrive as I get into bed.

4) What conversations do you avoid?

Conversations about myself and things that involve feelings and the such.

5) If you were invisible for a week, what would you do?

Fucking nothing. I would just hide somewhere and be. Which is a really boring answer, but what else can you really do without being incredibly creepy? Also I live in London so going anywhere when invisible is a terrible idea, it’s better to be seen.

6) What’s the oddest thing you’ve ever seen? (Things on the internet don’t count)

I work in East London, I see a lot of weird shit. But obviously I cannot think of a single odd thing that I’ve seen, but there’s been some odd stuff.

7) If you could live the life of any character in a novel, who would it be?

I read so many damn books how can I only pick one??? At the moment I’ll go Elizabeth Bennett, but the Elizabeth Bennett that gets Colin Firth’s Mr Darcy…

8) When do you feel most alive?

When I start a new book and have no idea what is about to be unveiled to me. And eating a really good burger.

9) You can have a penfriend from any time in history, who would it be? What kind of letters would you write?

It would be Oscar Wilde and honestly I don’t even know what I would write about, but I feel like his would be full of all kinds of flowery imagery and language and I am here for it.

10) Do you ever feel like you haven’t a clue what you’re doing and you’re about to be found out? What makes you feel like that?

Errr, my job makes me feel like that. I feel someone is gonna be like, ‘um excuse me you are way too young to be holding that much responsibility, what do you think you’re doing?’

11) Would you like your home country to introduce basic income (everybody gets paid enough to live on whether they work or not)? How would it change your life?

I think yeah a basic level income would be good, but not necessarily for people who don’t work…I mean the State here is pretty decent from what I know of it, but I don’t have much interaction with that part of it. Either way, I currently have a full time job so it wouldn’t change my life that much. But yeah, a wage with which you could actually live on seems to be a thing that everyone should have access to.

And that’s me just rambling on about some random shit…

Parentheses count: 2. See you tomorrow!

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My Life

What is currently on your mind?

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So I may have told a small untruth, in that in actual fact I hit a wall with what I was going to post again and decided to change the idea again so it’s still in a half finished state and I’m working on it. I’m not gonna give a date that it might actually show up because I don’t have one it would appear given how often I keep changing the damn idea.

But anyway, the post today is pretty self explanatory.

What is currently on your mind?

Well I am currently writing this while watching the One Love Manchester concert and it is making me feel some kind of way. On some level for that reason the last couple of weeks have been a tad intense for a multitude of reasons and on some level there is just anger bubbling away under the surface.

Underneath that there is also this never ending cycle of anxiety that seems to be just plaguing me right now and just when I think it has passed it hits me all over again and I’m in this weird doomsville with it all which is started to get really frustrating. And then that frustration in and of itself makes it worse and I would just very much like to not be in my own head for a little while. Alas, I am taking comfort in meditation and exercise to just try and keep things a little bit more settled.

Then there is the part of me that is prepping for the work week ahead. Which is what it is. Work has finally stopped draining me so much because my mindset has finally improved a bit which felt like it took a decade, but that was related to the earlier thing. But it’s still draining. Mainly because as the weather warms up the office becomes some kind of sauna and that kind of heat just makes a person feel tired anyway.

Other than that, I am currently sleeping kind of well, which a part of me is suspicious about because well I’m me. And I’m also sort of looking ahead to the rest of the week and all the various things I need to do on different days of the week (and figure out at what point of the day I am actually going to go to a polling station on Thursday). And I’m also wondering just how long I’ve had a face mask on my face because it’s flaking off and I feel like that’s a sign that it’s been on too long…

Parentheses count: 1. See you tomorrow!

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Summary Saturday

Summary Saturday

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So, I was a no show yesterday, I know. That’s because I strained a muscle in my wrist or something and had limited usage of my right hand, so typing a thing that I had to even think of just wasn’t going to happen.

But before that happened, this week on the blog:

Fitness

When do you feel most creative?

Questions to Ponder pt 5

Questions to Ponder pt 4

Questions to Ponder pt 3

And that’s the week!

Parentheses count: 0. See you tomorrow!

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My Life

Questions to Ponder Pt 5

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And so we have reached the final part.

41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

My brother.

42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

No.

43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

Your attitude.

44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

When you keep coming back to the same thing/answer. It’s a gut feeling, and generally they are always right.

45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

Because making a mistake links to failure and a lot of people are scared of failing.

46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

Drop the filter (but also never cross over to being a dick).

47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

The other day when I almost had a panic attack…

48. What do you love?

At this moment in time the only thing I can think of is food and musicals.

49. Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

I got really passionate about some potatoes that my dad made the other day that were sooooo good and I’ve watched Sutton Foster do Anything Goes (the tap dancing break in particular) so many times recently and I fell into this trap of finding out how much tickets to An American in Paris would cost…I may or may not revisit that trap.

50. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that? Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

This is wayyy more than one question. But, going through them as listed: uhhh I might remember parts of yesterday (I’m writing this on Sunday after a Saturday where I actually did something), but no I probably won’t remember the two days prior to that, I had two shit days in a row so it would be best if I didn’t dwell on them even now. And finally, I’m currently in a combination of the two.

And that’s all 50 questions done!

Parentheses count: 3. See you tomorrow!

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My Life

Questions to Ponder Pt 4

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Happy Monday! Let’s carry on shall we?

31. What makes it so special?

I’m thinking that this is a continuation from the last of yesterday’s questions and well I didn’t really give a specific answer to it. But the whole holiday was one of my faves.

32. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

This wasn’t even all that recent now that I think about it , but there was a point when I was standing at the top of the Empire State Building for the second time that day at night time and I was looking at the city all lit up in the dark that something just kind of clicked. I don’t know what but something did.

33. If not now, then when? If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

I don’t have anything to lose, but I am my own worse enemy.

34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

Yes.

35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

Because people do stupid things and choose to interpret words in the way that they seem fit and only in that way.

36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

Never.

37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

Probably, I guess.

38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

More work that I actually enjoy doing.

39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

Yeah, kinda sad, but yeah.

40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

I’m doing it now…

Parentheses count: 1. See you tomorrow!

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