Creative Writing,  My Writing

Ten Duel Commandments

Hi, Hey, Hello!

It’s catch up weekend here on the blog and it starts with this post today. Which to be honest too in a turn that I didn’t expect it to mainly because I changed the quote I was going to use, because the idea for this came while I was brushing my teeth and it would be silly to ignore those kinds of bursts of inspiration. So I didn’t and here it is.

‘Pray that hell or heaven lets you in ‘

I didn’t expect it to be a choice. You either went to heaven or you went to hell. They are the only two options I have ever been presented with. No one ever mentioned you had to choose. Although I guess there’s never been that much opportunity for someone to come back and warn you.

However I wonder if everyone gets this choice. Or does it just happen to the people who lived a somewhat morally ambiguous life. What classifies you as being a person who gets to choose where your eternity is spent? I never committed an out and out crime…Okay that’s a lie, I never committed a serious out and out crime. I didn’t murder anybody, I didn’t hit and run anything bigger than a coyote. I didn’t steal anything worth more than the value of a Kit Kat. Never held someone at gun point or assaulted someone. Never had a sadistic streak that manifested itself as a serial killing addiction.

I was, largely speaking, a somewhat decent person.

I lied. Some little white lies, just like everyone else I’m sure. Lies about where I’d been or who’d I’d been with. About the real time I had got home the night before. I lied and told my family what they wanted to hear,  I needed to appease them and keep them happy, I’m not alone in that. I lied in interviews about why I was passionate about the job I was going out for, when in actual fact the only reason I was there was because ultimately I needed the money. I created quite a web for myself, intricately woven and ever expanding. So I lied a lot and I got caught in my little lies a lot more than I got caught in my big ones.

The big ones were easy to keep track of, but they existed too. In a big way. I lied about my whereabouts when doctor’s appointments started happening a bit too frequently. I lied about why I had been feeling groggy and run down for a weeks. I could keep track of summer flu symptoms, broad, slightly ambiguous, didn’t lead to too many extra questions, way easier than I could the truth of having had an abortion.

Maybe that’s why I’m here. Because of that one decision I made when I was 20. There are many who would believe that what I’d done was murder. I argue that it was going to kill me first and then die quickly after, I was just easing the process and making it painless. It didn’t even have a heartbeat. Maybe that makes me callous and heartless, but at 20 with my whole life ahead of me, I just wanted to survive. 

Or maybe I’m here, looking at this fork in the road because I spent 7 of the 10 years I was in a relationship having affairs with various people. Never the same person for more than a month because that would lead to being caught and I’m not an idiot. A horrible person, probably, but not an idiot. Although I guess he was. I don’t know, but he somehow never actually found out about my adulterous behaviour, never even had an inkling that I was being unfaithful. I guess that just makes me a good liar, skilled at covering my tracks. Better at living a lie than just admitting the truth about how I felt to his face. Felt more at ease sneaking into hotel rooms for a few hours at a time or stumbling out of stranger’s bedrooms in the early hours of the morning than I did with actually discussing my feelings and being honest about everything. It was never his fault, it couldn’t be. That one was always mine. And always the one that I guess I never truly atoned for.

So maybe that’s why I’m stuck here, looking at the two winding paths. One ascending, the other descending. Maybe it’s a test. Someone, somewhere was testing me. Seeing which one I felt I deserved. Maybe it’s a double bluff situation. If I accept that what I had done with my time on Earth was kind of shitty and something that I definitely needed to spend eternity to try to repent and atone for and therefore choose the darker path it will shut to me and then I can only choose the white light. Maybe that small act of choosing will be in itself enough to atone for the life I led. Or maybe it won’t work like that. Maybe I choose the dark path and then make my way  down it only for that to be final. Only for the door to close behind me and leave me to a lifetime of sin and all that other terrible imagery associated with hell. Maybe I could make the step to the light and it won’t let me cross that threshold. Or maybe I could get there and realise that it is not for me, that I lived too horrible a life to thrive or fit in there, but by that point it would be too late. I’d be stuck there.

I’m curious as to whether I even have to choose. Could I just stare at the two paths ahead of me and exist happily where I currently stand. Do I really need to spend the rest of time or whatever in one or the other? I didn’t when I was alive, I lived in a very murky grey area and sure I know I could have been a better person, but I was almost pretty content with it. I had a mix of both and now I had to choose. What if I didn’t want to choose? Is that possible? Or worse, what if neither let me in for some reason? Too bad for the light, too good for the dark.

Was there a win in this decision for me? Was I not done making the big decisions now? Had I not left all that behind when I passed? Apparently not, because here I am.

And I really wish someone had warned me that the biggest decision I would have to make would come in death and not life.

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