Hi, Hey, Hello!
It’s catch up weekend here on the blog and it starts with this post today. Which to be honest too in a turn that I didn’t expect it to mainly because I changed the quote I was going to use, because the idea for this came while I was brushing my teeth and it would be silly to ignore those kinds of bursts of inspiration. So I didn’t and here it is.
‘Pray that hell or heaven lets you in ‘
I didn’t expect it to be a choice. You either went to heaven or you went to hell. They are the only two options I have ever been presented with. No one ever mentioned you had to choose. Although I guess there’s never been that much opportunity for someone to come back and warn you.
However I wonder if everyone gets this choice. Or does it just happen to the people who lived a somewhat morally ambiguous life. What classifies you as being a person who gets to choose where your eternity is spent? I never committed an out and out crime…Okay that’s a lie, I never committed a serious out and out crime. I didn’t murder anybody, I didn’t hit and run anything bigger than a coyote. I didn’t steal anything worth more than the value of a Kit Kat. Never held someone at gun point or assaulted someone. Never had a sadistic streak that manifested itself as a serial killing addiction.
I was, largely speaking, a somewhat decent person.
I lied. Some little white lies, just like everyone else I’m sure. Lies about where I’d been or who’d I’d been with. About the real time I had got home the night before. I lied and told my family what they wanted to hear, I needed to appease them and keep them happy, I’m not alone in that. I lied in interviews about why I was passionate about the job I was going out for, when in actual fact the only reason I was there was because ultimately I needed the money. I created quite a web for myself, intricately woven and ever expanding. So I lied a lot and I got caught in my little lies a lot more than I got caught in my big ones.
The big ones were easy to keep track of, but they existed too. In a big way. I lied about my whereabouts when doctor’s appointments started happening a bit too frequently. I lied about why I had been feeling groggy and run down for a weeks. I could keep track of summer flu symptoms, broad, slightly ambiguous, didn’t lead to too many extra questions, way easier than I could the truth of having had an abortion.
Maybe that’s why I’m here. Because of that one decision I made when I was 20. There are many who would believe that what I’d done was murder. I argue that it was going to kill me first and then die quickly after, I was just easing the process and making it painless. It didn’t even have a heartbeat. Maybe that makes me callous and heartless, but at 20 with my whole life ahead of me, I just wanted to survive.
Or maybe I’m here, looking at this fork in the road because I spent 7 of the 10 years I was in a relationship having affairs with various people. Never the same person for more than a month because that would lead to being caught and I’m not an idiot. A horrible person, probably, but not an idiot. Although I guess he was. I don’t know, but he somehow never actually found out about my adulterous behaviour, never even had an inkling that I was being unfaithful. I guess that just makes me a good liar, skilled at covering my tracks. Better at living a lie than just admitting the truth about how I felt to his face. Felt more at ease sneaking into hotel rooms for a few hours at a time or stumbling out of stranger’s bedrooms in the early hours of the morning than I did with actually discussing my feelings and being honest about everything. It was never his fault, it couldn’t be. That one was always mine. And always the one that I guess I never truly atoned for.
So maybe that’s why I’m stuck here, looking at the two winding paths. One ascending, the other descending. Maybe it’s a test. Someone, somewhere was testing me. Seeing which one I felt I deserved. Maybe it’s a double bluff situation. If I accept that what I had done with my time on Earth was kind of shitty and something that I definitely needed to spend eternity to try to repent and atone for and therefore choose the darker path it will shut to me and then I can only choose the white light. Maybe that small act of choosing will be in itself enough to atone for the life I led. Or maybe it won’t work like that. Maybe I choose the dark path and then make my way down it only for that to be final. Only for the door to close behind me and leave me to a lifetime of sin and all that other terrible imagery associated with hell. Maybe I could make the step to the light and it won’t let me cross that threshold. Or maybe I could get there and realise that it is not for me, that I lived too horrible a life to thrive or fit in there, but by that point it would be too late. I’d be stuck there.
I’m curious as to whether I even have to choose. Could I just stare at the two paths ahead of me and exist happily where I currently stand. Do I really need to spend the rest of time or whatever in one or the other? I didn’t when I was alive, I lived in a very murky grey area and sure I know I could have been a better person, but I was almost pretty content with it. I had a mix of both and now I had to choose. What if I didn’t want to choose? Is that possible? Or worse, what if neither let me in for some reason? Too bad for the light, too good for the dark.
Was there a win in this decision for me? Was I not done making the big decisions now? Had I not left all that behind when I passed? Apparently not, because here I am.
And I really wish someone had warned me that the biggest decision I would have to make would come in death and not life.
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